https://qr.ae/prvABO

False memory

 I've always thought that my sister left our house when I was quite young. It really bugs me that, she did actually lived with us for quite some time.

I had a long chat with my mother, and I realized a lot of things. We lived at the 21st floor when I was in secondary school. It seem like I had completely forgotten that my sister had live with us even during those times. We each had our own room. Why had I completely forgotten about this? I seem to have always thought that she never lived with us.

It wasn't until my mom mentioned this, that triggered some memory of her room. Then.. I started recalling some other memories of her... which I think.. isn't worth mentioning. But I wondered for a moment just now, I imagined myself telling her, how would you feel, if I did that to Kaelyn, your daughter. Would you then think it was nothing?

My mom scoff and smirk, with a roll up paper pointing at me and standing over me. " all those words meant nothing, why did you take it seriously" 

"why did you have such thoughts when you are so young? Something is wrong with you!"

It's really my own fault, for thinking a second that she could acknowledge ANYTHING. I blame Michael for that, saying some stupid things about taking ownership.

I guess I shouldn't blame him. I should have known better. Imagine being stupid enough to think that I can actually have a slim hope that she would for once spare a thought or considered my feelings. How naïve.

No one will ever comprehend these hell that I have been through. I had a persistent headache the whole day.

To be honest, I was so confused when my mom told me that our sister had lived with us, and I even questioned her. She started telling me some tells that made me realized she DID lived with us. I was utterly confused and a little weirded out, seriously. I guess I had just forgotten..

I was also quite horrified.. to know about my family history.. talk about craziness.

I really find it too hard to process all this, or to live on and struggle through. I guess given my family history, it would actually make sense to have died by suicide.

I went up to the 20th floor again, hopping that it would calm me or help ease my headache. I listened to some youtube music for headache relief. well, it didn't work. Beside the life was a set of grill railings and I lean against it for awhile.

We could really feel the height because there's no wall so it felt like we were leaning against a transparent glass. It feels pretty crazy, imagining myself falling from such a high height.

Michael said that I am broken and had a lot of hurt, and it is true. I'm not sure how to fix myself, and it feels easier to just not do it anymore.

Maybe we should at least have our last Christmas. 

30 Nov 2022 Journal

 I think I'm literally going crazy. I just can't do it anymore. If anything, this job is giving me anxiety and depression due to having nothing to do at all.

Jos and I got into an argument last week and it was not good. There is no private room in this new office space. The colleagues heard our whole conversation and probably heard Jos yelling, I'm done! He yelled twice that he is done with me.

Of course it was very upsetting for me, he complained and picked on things that are so fucking minor that I have problems keeping up with him. It was simply a matter of preference and his need to have control of everything, which is the complete opposite of how I do my work. I am used to working independently, maybe I just couldn't adapt, and the slow pace of this work just drives me nuts. My adhd brain honestly don't give a shit and feel this work to be extremely boring and meaningless.

I wanted to try to at least finish December. I felt that I was so miserable on Sunday was partly because of knowing that I need to go to work the next day and just go through the same lifeless routine. Everything just starts adding up and I started to overwhelm myself .

I was going to stop all my appointments with Michael, and cancel all my appointment with imh on Monday and decided to just kill myself by this week. That was impulsive thinking.

I finally tendered my resignation. That's a nice way to put it. My last day is on 20 Jan 2023. I hope I die soon, so that I don't have to actually work until January.

On my way home, I kept tearing because it was miserable. We wanted to take the lift up again but I  walked away and bought lunch instead. I was still carrying my laptop.

Do people kill themselves impulsively? or did they do a lot of planning? Did they regret during the moments just before death? How will we ever know?

It has to be by falling, cutting and bleeding out wont work.

My head hurts.

28 Nov 2022 Journal

 I left work at 2pm, it's really good that I get to wfh in the afternoon due to the ongoing renovation in our new office. Honestly, my asthma was triggered just now with the chemicals that might have come from the painting jobs. I had to drink a lot of hot water to (try) open up my airway and I stepped out of office.

I stepped out 10mins before 11am to wait for the call from imh. I waited 5 mins. 1105. I waited some more 1115. At 1130 I got upset, and called my case manager, but his line was busy...

I went back to the office. It infuriates me because I felt extremely abandoned because 2 of my doctors abandoned me. I understand that I felt this way because of how I was brought up, but I haven't learn to change. Don't know how to. I really needed this call this morning because of last night.

I found a place that is 20 stories high. I didn't want to take the lift up. I stood at the crossroad and willed myself to walk away, but I couldn't. Last night I was overly emotional. I felt helpless and I wanted to give up and I started tearing a lot. I kept distracting myself the whole night, until I couldn't anymore. I knew that if I cut myself, I would hurt myself badly. So, I stepped out. I was shaky and upset.

It was like I couldn't control myself. We walked to the lift, and contemplated on which number to push. We felt that 14 is high enough to fall to death. It was breezy, and we looked down. We noticed a lot of things. The end of the corridor that has a unit at the corner. Along the other side of the lift, there was a unit with cctv and a Christmas wreath. The railings are filled with plants. The corridor wall, was not as high as we thought. There was a small stool outside one of the units. That would be helpful. We wondered briefly how bad they would feel, if they realized that the person who jumped has used their stool. We spent sometime looking around, looking down, for a good amount of time.

We took the lift up to the 20th floor. We calmed down a lot. We stared far, there was a quick streak of lighting. It looked nice. We looked at the opposite buildings, wondering if anyone would see us and call the police. Probably not. We were not sitting or climbing the corridors ledge. Just some one standing around strangely. We looked down again, at the hard concrete floor below us. Wondering what it feels like while falling to death. We imagined it to be 3-5 seconds. 

Just seconds and everything will be over. Would our leg land first and crushed the rest of our body? or will we splatter our brains out if we land head first? Would we feel every bones crushing or would we just snapped out and die once we hit the floor?

Should we do it now? I thought as I looked again and consider climbing onto the corridor wall ledge? We didn't want people staring at us if we climbed up and sat there. We didn't want the police to catch us if we didn't jump. We wondered how desperate someone is, to have been able to let themselves fall to death, what were their last thoughts, did they do it impulsively? Or did they calmly decide that they don't want to live anymore and just fall to death?

The twirling lights of what we thought might be an ambulance alarmed us, we had been looking out just in case, if there were any police cars. We definitely didn't want to be caught and thrown into imh ward again. We quickly turned and took the lift down.

We brought food and went home. Maybe next time. 

The case manager called me back, at the end of the day, dr g  finally called me. I really thought he was not going to even call us back.

I felt relief, being able to tell him what happened. I appreciate that he asked me how I felt when he didn't called that morning. It was a relief to be able to tell him that I was angry, and he apologised properly again. It felt like this was how normal emotions should be discussed, expressed and processed.

When we get angry, hurt, and neglected, we don't have to bury this emotions or get scared of what might happened if we say how we felt.

24 Nov 2022

 I thought about dying when the family is on the holiday. I was surprise that the session went quite well with Michael.

The one thing, that I like about Michael is that he has always been able to acknowledge my suicidality, and not just brush it off, or say things like "there's a lot to live for" because obviously I feel that there is nothing to live off.

I wondered if I put him on a hard spot by asking him this question, why shouldn't I just die. I wondered if he had had a lot of clients asked him this before. I liked how he answered, it made me pause a little bit.

He said some words that really triggered me, and I tensed internally. It was just, I can't say. It made me angry and upset. I unintentionally started spacing out, his voice faded a little, but I caught on, on what's happening to me, and I tried to pull myself back. I didn't want him to know, and start bringing it up again.

I feel very angry and miserable when I think about it. So angry. So miserable.

23 Nov 2022 Journal

 I lay on my bed for over an hour, but we couldn't fall asleep. Some intrusive memory slips in and we quickly think about other stuff. and then we got up. the idea of cutting ourselves again looms over us.

The cuts are still hurting. We saw dr ej just now. glad it was him. We haven't seen him for awhile and its good to see him again. not so good when.. we had to show him the cuts. He saw, and said, poor thing. He had always been a caring doctor. He also gave me a friendly rub on the shoulder to comfort me when I said it was because of depression. He was really nice.

I left saying, thank you and that it was good to see him. he waved his hand a little.

The celebration wasn't great, my sister came late and that made my mom very unhappy. She was complaining and grumbling to me while I was at the kitchen stealing food here and there. We usually have our dinner around 5.30-6pm. It was already 7pm. My mom got mad and said tell them I went to bed. and slam her door shut.

When they finally arrive, my mom went on to grumble and my sister look awkward. I felt bad for her. I felt that I shouldn't have texted her to remind her of mom's birthday. It's my fault?

The tension eased, I quickly finished my dinner and washed my own bowl, intending to run back into my room to hide. but I felt bad for the huge pile of dishes that needs to be washed. I didn't want my mom to do it, and it didn't feel right for my sister to do them too. so I volunteered and helped to wash the huge piles of dishes.

I finally went back into my room, closed the door firmly and locked it as I usually did. I wasn't feeling great and didn't want to interact with anyone. It felt exhausting. The kids kept knocking on my door, they wanted to play games on my pc again. I pretended that I needed to work and open up my laptop, wishing that they would go away. Kaelyn had good sense and automatically left, Kaen followed shortly.

After a while, Kaen came back and started knocking on my door again. Kaelyn came back in too. I sighed inwardly, asking them if they want to watch anything on YouTube. It's just so hard to keep them away. It's really so strange why they like to stick with me.

Kaen wanted to play game, but I didn't let them. Kaelyn is really so hyped over Genshin and I could tell she really wanted me to play it too. Every single time she sees me she kept asking if I had updated the game, I think she already asked like 10 times. I had the game but mobile games bore me easily.

I've been so moody, maybe because I didn't go to work again. Just the usual feeling of being a failure... Which make me think about just killing myself again. The family is going to be away for 4 days.

21 Nov 2022 Journal

 Today is my mom's birthday, since she didn't appreciate flowers and prefer money. That's what we gave her. I was planning to highlight my hair, but I think I probably shouldn't since my cash flow is really low these days.

The medical bills are really taking a toll on my already limited salary. Sigh. Simple is enough, and be contented. Appreciate and remember what I have, and be thankful for them.

I am okay with not being rich, just enough to survive. If only... she wouldn't keep talking about it like I'm a failure for not giving more.

Day in day out, she compare how much more other people earn, day in day out, she keeps naming all the prices and how unhappy she is, lamenting on how hard her life is...

Well. Let's just stop here...

The family are going for cruise on the 28. I just can't help thinking, maybe that's a good time to die. Ironically, there's a call scheduled with imh on 28.

Even though it is what it is, it doesn't change what I have become, and I can't change myself in this short period of time. 

We wonder daily, what is there to live for. Since we have established that we don't matter, what's the point in struggling on.

Our life has very little value, so it's easy to think about death. The question is just simple, should we really just do it. I feel that I probably won't act on it. We just entertain the idea.

20 Nov 2022 Journal

 I slept quite well again. It might just be another 12 hours of sleep. I had some dreams, nightmare and more dreams. It still felt good to have rested well.

It makes me feel quite happy. At least now, I think I could sleep later and actually make it to work tomorrow. I have been missing work on almost every Monday. 

I feel quit confident that I could make it to work tomorrow. That makes me feel really good. I was suppose to go watch my niece in a competition today. but I didn't last minute.

I'll let my mom enjoy the family time with my sister. This weekend is a quiet one. It's my mom's birthday tomorrow. I probably will just give her some angbao or maybe I'll shop a gift for her tomorrow afternoon.

I wanted to do my hair today. I think this month, I won't be able to do any savings. 

19 Nov 2022 Journal

 Dr G called me yesterday. I appreciate that he still calls me when he is on leave. We spoke briefly and he was concern about what happened to me. I think it was just a check up on how I was doing, and pretty much also just telling me that the appointment can't be moved to an earlier slot.

It's still nice that he called.

The fifth cut is really weird. It's like there is this gap that wouldn't close. It's weird that it took so many days but the wound is still some what open but it's dry. Was is so deep that it took longer then the other wound to heal? I really didn't know that I had cut deeper then usual.

It did felt like I was in a dazed when I was cutting myself, and when I finally come back to my sense it was disturbing to see all the layers of tissue with a lot of blood, lying all around the desk.

Except for the 5th cut, all the other wound is almost healed. The idea of cutting myself again keeps looming over me.

I took the blade and rest it on my wrist, just before I cut myself, I changed my mind at the last second and quickly slide the blade backwards and put it away. I then walked to the kitchen and made myself a cup of coffee.

I felt a small sense of victory when I didn't cut myself on Friday night. Even so, I still feel like doing it sometimes. 

The struggle between wanting to cut myself, and stopping myself... is so strange.

I actually slept for maybe 12 hours? It felt good to sleep more hours, god knows I sleep too little on many occasion. I had a lot of random dreams which I don't remember now, I'm glad there wasn't a nightmare. Nightmare usually wakes me up in a fright and the thought of them would terrify me for a couple of days.

I could still remember my last nightmare, I still remember it because it was too disturbing. It's funny that the only person that I told about this nightmare was to a sos crisis hotline person. I'm afraid that I had made her feel considerably disturbed by telling her about it. I think she felt bad for me to be having this nightmare.

I binge watched a Korea drama and finished 16 episodes in 2 days, of course i cheated a little by skipping some pointless scene. I really love watching this actor because well, he's so handsome and cute lol.

I usually don't really like romance much, but sometimes it's nice to see these heartwarming moments in dramas that we could not find in real life. They take us away into this fantasy land of pure love and selfless human nature, and these are rare to find in real life. Probably why we humans like to entertain ourselves with all this tv shows. They are fantasies that we indulge in.

I feel quite bored on this Saturday. I finished the Korean drama and feel bored to start another one. I cleaned and tidied up my room while briefly wondering what I should do next. I thought about why I had lost interest in gaming and briefly wonder if I should start a random no rank match of dota2. I did used to enjoy playing it so much. Then I also wonder if I should do felting, or maybe sims 4.

I ended up writing a little. So now, I wonder what I should do next. My eye glanced over to the penknife for awhile. I just realized that I haven't cut myself for a week, mainly because the cut was quite bad. wait, it's been 7 days but the 5th cut still looks like a hole that wouldn't close. Well but it does seems like the cut is slowly closing up. When I apply cream over it, it look like cement filling up a hole.

I actually really feel like cutting myself, but I want to try not cutting myself for this weekend. This anti depressant sure makes me jittery, my hands are shaking now.

Maybe I should stepped out of the house for awhile, and treat myself to some sushi. For the past week, I declined going lunch with my colleagues at the new office area, saying that the food are expensive and that I would go home for lunch and work from home. but I had actually been buying sushi for lunch and that was of course not cheap. lol. It still feels nice to treat myself and feel good about it.

Of course my salary is running out soon. and I probably have to dip into my very limited savings account. I really don't know why my hands are shaking so badly, was it caffeine? Would … cutting myself make it stop?  I should step out soon.

16 Nov 2022

I really hope I can stop missing work. I always feel so terrible and the suicidal thoughts are worse every time I didn't go to work. 

Weekends are so exhausting for me. Which is kinda funny considering how people usually look forward to weekends and enjoy their free time.

I am suppose to increase my dosage today, but I really don't feel like spiraling down into the suicidal ideations again. It really feels off when I took a lift to the highest floor and just stood over and imagine myself falling to death. That is just not right, isnt it？

I know Michael has been telling me to get a 2nd opinion many times. But I'm honestly too tired to bother.

My cuts still hurt. They are pretty much still expose even though I am wearing long sleeve. The condition in office is pretty bad with all the on-going renovations going on around us. I really wanted to get something to cover the cuts.

Lunch with colleague was okay I guess. We had to walk really far for lunch. Even though the sun was hot, I did enjoy walking down the road. I noticed the plants, the shapes of them, the leaves and how their branch curve. I love how they look. I looked up and gaze at the blue sky, the clouds forming and moving. I closed my eyes briefly and simply enjoyed the walked, how the sun felt on my face, and absorb everything else around me.

I almost felt okay, but I still shake a little, as if I am nervous, because I am feeling good.

I wonder if my counselor really guessed what happened to me. 

Maybe it's actually not even a big deal.

I took a peak, and I regretted, because the hate only intensified ever since.  

I really thought I had gotten over it, but all I ever did was, pretend it never happened and buried it so deep that I have never spoken or had any emotions about it.

I really wonder why it's bothering me so much now. I wish I could have continue to bury it and not constantly have these intrusive memories come back and haunt me.

TOO DIFFICULT

 We want to cut ourselves again. But our wrist is still hurting, the cuts haven't even close, and it's quite deep. I don't want it to get worse.

But we can't sleep, and the intrusive memory keeps coming back. There's a strong urge to cut ourselves, we should go out for a walk. but its 2.30am and I'm wearing my sleeping dress.

So maybe this time, we will write about this pain, instead of cutting.

I had to delete the words, because we hate them.

We really don't like ourselves. It feels like we are broken and there is just something wrong with us because we can't let go of some stupid incident. We feel very useless and not worthy of being alive.

No one will miss us after we die. We would become less of a burden and the mother could rent out this room and get more money from it.

Even if she is sad, she would probably get over it after some time. There's really no need to feel sad for her after all the hell that she has put us through through the years.

We didn't try to victimized ourselves like what the test says. We were a victim, but since the incident had past, maybe now we are just a victim of ourselves. I am the one abusing us.

How should we write a thought journal when it's usually just self harm and suicide ideation thoughts.

Jos seems to be holding my life by not letting me resign. As long as I have a job, it doesn't feel like I have hit rock bottom. We wanted to resign, and I thought that if I am finally jobless, I would be really be ready to die, because it's just prove that I'm really useless to the point where I cant hold on to jobs long enough, but we are still clinging on.

We are still clinging on by going for counseling sessions. Is tenth story really high enough to die? It really doesn't seem high. It would be really awkward to survive and be crippled for the rest of our live.

15 Nov 2022

 Our wrist still hurts. The cut was quite deep even though it's superficial cutting. It's really quite disturbing to see the deep cut and the flesh inside. 

I constantly wonder why we want to hurt ourselves, even though we did, did it to stop the thoughts. but at some point, it was getting quite addictive. Anyway the cut really hurt so we went to the clinic, and that cost another almost $100. 

After removing the sticker on our wounds, the cuts are still exposed, but I really dont want to spend money to dress it in the clinic again.

It's really getting harder to hide this from the parents. I hope we will stop cutting ourselves. Michael ask us, if we want to stop doing it or we still want to continue cutting ourselves. I want to stop of course, but secretly, a small part of us wanted to hurt me.

Which is stupid of course.

The mmpi says we over exaggerate things. and victimized ourselves. If I didn't have depression why would I have been in this state. The mmpi also says I have no empathy, which is so funny, because sometimes I feel so much for other people, that I forgot about myself. I'm not saying the mmpi is not accurate, its just ,  it won't be if the person while answering the question don't even know what the question means and just randomly answer some of them.

Then, it won't be accurate isn't it. but I would say it's about 70% accurate for me. but I have never once lied about what she did to us. Maybe because we are sensitive, so things seems magnified for us. but, it's true that she had constantly hurt us, we can't deny that. It is not okay to simply dismiss it and say it's because I over exaggerate things. Making us kneel on the floor, calling us a slut and criticising us constantly with never a single kind word. that's a fact.

Michael keeps bringing up about why we are cutting, and ask about the thoughts. It's really annoying because we don't want to talk about it. We don't want to keep feeling trapped. but he says he wants to let me know how to cope when these thoughts comes back to hunt us. which makes sense I guess.

The most funny thing is that we know they are just thoughts, and that we should know we can't be harm now. but. it's the emotions and memory of it that overwhelms us. ya it shouldn't. so im just over exaggerating again and should just let it go and never speak of it again.

14 Nov 2022 Journal

 I wondered if I over did it. Our wrist hurt a lot more then usual. The pain radiated to the our lower arm. The cuts area seems swollen but not very red, so I don't think it's infected. but the insides of the arm feels very tender and painful when I press it.

We usually cut on the same spot, we only had 4 lines. but over the weekend, it was too much to keep cutting on the same spot, so we added one more line.

It was constantly hurting, when I was sleeping, or when my sleeve brushed against the cuts. I wonder if I should cover the wounds properly, but I don't know how to do it. Plasters won't work. Should I see a doctor?

It would be really hard to see the doctor for this, since we know the doctor for many years. This would be so embarrassing and difficult to explain. I guess we don't have to explain, but.. 

We do it, to stop the memories. When we recall, we cut ourselves. but we also hate what we are doing to us. It's disturbing that we cut deeper, and there's more blood. The pain usually comes after. We really don't know if this is considered deep. Some times, we see the spot on the wrist that is pulsing, and we thought about it.

Pretty sure that the past weeks suicidal thoughts was due to the increase in dosage. The suicidal thoughts has more or less taper off now. but we are suppose to increase the dosage every 2 weeks. I really don't know if we should.

Shouldn't we be feeling better by now? Why are we not feeling better? 

10 Nov 2022 Journal

I really need to go to the stationary stall to buy some stuff for office. some stupid stickers for the keys. I put it off just now, feeling that I don't want to carry my heavy bag with my laptop inside walking all around trying to find some stickers.

I guess I should go now. I impulsively scheduled another session, hopping that that will keep my mind off trying to kill myself over the weekend. Should I do it, or not.

Why is my life worth so little for me to think about death so easily. Well. I guess that's the problem. Feeling like my life doesn't matter and has 0 value in this world.

I'm not sure what's the point in scheduling the session. I understand that a lot of work needs to be done by myself. I just really don't know what to do or how to stop feeling this way. 

I was feeling better, and then worse. and now I just feel too discourage. I'm just upset over the random intrusive suicidal thoughts. Maybe it IS the meds that are giving me trouble.

I know that the side effects affected me a lot. But like what should I do. I'm just so sick of all of this already.

What should I even say in session when I feel like I've already gone through almost everything about my past abuse with my mother. What do we even do in session if I have nothing to share.

Idle chats? Ask about him? lol..

He casually threw in some words last session. Which made me gripped internally, but, I don't think I showed any expression, I hoped. Actually I don't even remember clearly what he said, just the intense need to run away. What did he say actually? That it was too complicated and that's why he doesn't do trauma? Then why should I tell him anyway if it is too complicated for him.

We just cant talk about it. Literally, physically, unable to speak about it.

9 Nov 2022

 I was late for session, time blindness. I shouldn't have been late. Session didn't go so well. I wasn't feeling really good anyway these past week. I guess we should have talked about it rather than go into cbt/dbt.

I felt very discourage when I see them. Hearing that I was resistant made me felt more discourage too, even though I was unaware of it. He's right that I kept justifying what she did. It's not that I don't recognized the abuse, I guess I just felt bad that I have been saying so many bad things about her.

I just ... I don't know. Her birthday is coming soon. I used to buy her flowers and cakes. I didn't last year. This month I'm kinda broke with all the medical bills from counselling and imh, and my room light just had to suddenly stopped working, meaning I have to spend money to replace them.

The cuts on my wrist really hurts. The scare are getting ugly and I hate them.

The suicidal thoughts were quite persistent for the past few days. I was looking up where to cut, how deep to cut, overdosing on pills since I have a bunch of them now.

When the session started with Michael asking me How I've been, I felt bad because I have backtracked to my suicidal thoughts. I shouldn't have felt bad about it, and should have tried talking about it. but instead we went right into cbt/dbt. I think I didn't have enough time to adjust myself into starting to talk about what I've been feeling.

I really felt like zoning out just now, but he seems uncertain on what to say. Which made me feel bad, so I tried to look okay so that he wouldn't feel so bad. He always knows when I starts getting emotionally overwhelm, so instead of zoning out, I tried to bring back my focus. 

The session was ending anyway. How could I say I was not okay, that I feel like just giving up and killing myself. I think that would be a bit overstepping on his boundaries and time limit.

He said he would send me the test and the dbt details later when he reached home. I wish he would keep to what he said. but he didn't. Like the imh doctor who asked for my report book and then forgot about it.

Like my mom or sister who never really cared about me since I was a kid. Like my father, who cared about me, but was simply always not around or sleeping because he was tired from work. He used to work 2 jobs.

Sometimes I really wished for the simplest thing. for someone to give a damn about how I felt or to care a little bit about me. but no one did. When I finally grew up and when someone finally did cared for me, I just threw it away because I was messed up. Why is this kind of life worth living?

I know, maybe the depression is talking. but i did seek help and I didn't get better. go through another round of seeking help from nuh? why? how? I feel too exhausted already. I just want to give up.

We just don't feel like doing it anymore. We really hate that we are still struggling to live while also hopping to die. Maybe we should really just do it and get it over with. Maybe weekends we can try again, instead of cutting, falling to death has a higher success rate.

 Just now I took a lift to the highest floor on another block. I was surprise that the wall corridor wasn't as high as I thought. I could easily climb over them. I was also surprise that the highest floor was tenth and when I looked down, it didn't feel really high. I wondered if I would really die if I fall from tenth story.

I looked down for some time, just imagining myself falling to death.

7 November 2022 Journal

 The kids took turn playing with my pc. My sister told me to fix the wire cable that suddenly came lose and was a tripping hazard. 

My mom purposely asked me to sort out the wire loudly in front of my sister and started pitifully complaining to my sis about how dangerous it was.

I was not surprise when she came into my room and told me to do something about it. As if I would purposely leave it lying loosely around to trip our parents and make them fall.

The only difference between that day and last time was that she was less harsh and was using a normal non aggressive tone. How nice. I guess knowing that I was depressive and was admitted into imh has it's benefits. 

It still didn't stop the anger and resentment building up. As she tried to be "helpful" and asked about how to trunk the wires to the data point, I automatically started tuning out. 

After she left our room, we started tearing silently behind the kids, having some thoughts of just walking out to take a lift and jumping to death.

I'm not excited to write journals anymore. It's really not very fun to write about my thoughts, which are constantly about self harm and suicide.

My suicidal thoughts are getting worse. I was holding the penknife and briefly thought of just plunging it into my neck. As I was cutting myself on my wrist, I had the crazy thought of stabbing it through my wrist.

Some times I don't feel very real. Like I'm on auto pilot. I looked at the mirror and didn't know who she is, and asked her "who are you"

I took the train, and kept missing my stop in the intersection at City hall. I probably cross over and changed side about 6 times. Who would believe that is possible? Maybe my mom, because she has always said that there is some thing WRONG with me.

I thought about what happens after I died of suicide, I thought about my sister reaction. Would she feel bad? guilty? would she remember that she strangled my neck when I was a kid? Would she remember how she had always been so critical and judgmental of me? would she remember how she had never shown concern for me or how harsh she has always been to me? well I guess the exception would be only recently when she realized I was warded.

The irony is that, even with my death, I would probably STILL be blame for choosing to kill myself. For choosing to be selfish and for hurting my parents.

Maybe the increase in dosage for Sertraline had worsen my suicidal thoughts, who the fuck knows.

4 Nov 2022 Journal

I have been feeling quite tired of everything. It feels like I have seek help for my depression but it has only gotten worse. I feel like I've tried, but there's too much to work on.

It feels really hard and hopeless. Why bother. I have been on meds for so many weeks but I don't feel any significant improvement. 

The imh doctor felt that I am stable now since I have seek private counselling and decided that our next appointment is 10 weeks away. The report book from primary school was in my bag but I never showed it to him, even though he was the one who asked for it and forgot.

It felt like a child eagerly holding on to the report card wanting to show the parents her result, but they never bothered. The child was excited with her results, and then was disappointed and hurt that they forgot or just never bothered with how well she did. She could only put it away and pretend that she never bothered too so that it wouldn't seem so painful.

I wished that I could have told someone what happen. but even when I am alone, I couldn't even say what happened to me to myself because I was in a lot of denial. I kept avoiding it.

I think I finally realized why I lost so many friends. All my friends are related to her and every time her name comes up I felt so uncomfortable and so much unease. I must have slowly started cutting off all my friends because she was part of the group. Maybe?

I remember now. When we meet up and when I see her, I would always feel quite unwell. I don't think I even realized at that point of time. If I met up A and B and they brought up S, I would be so uncomfortable and resentful but I kept smiling and pretended. The funniest part is that she was one of my best friend, and so people would constantly start talking about her or even ask me about her. I got sick of everything and decided not to be part of the group anymore.

Every time I see her, I got reminded of what happened. I wanted to avoid her and everything related to her so that I could forget what had happened.

I could still constantly see the image, she and I were in the toilet. 

The moment when I froze, the moment when I felt betrayed. The moment when I thought of telling her and changed my mind. The moment when I realized I have lost a friend. The moment when I realized I could never tell anyone. I really don't remember very clearly what we said, but those feelings was what I felt. Someone else was a better friend then her. I really wished I could remember better.

There were also words that could never be forgotten, even though I absolutely loathe remembering them. I really feel like dying every time I recall. I really really really really hated what happened.

I resented her, but the other one person that I resented and hated most, was myself.

It doesn't make sense. 

3 Nov 2022 Journal

 Maybe I can just bury it all over again and stop thinking of getting it resolved. Surely, if it stays buried and I stopped everything that would remind me of it, it would stop coming back to haunt me.

Pretend that everything is back to normal, that I am not broken or depressed anymore. Would that help.

imagine looking for trauma therapy, and then just siting in session not being able to talk about what happened. how stupid would that be.

1 November 2022 Journal

 Oh no oh no, All this decisions that I need to make, is so hard for me. my god, I'm so undecisive. 

First is the interview tomorrow, I guess I just have to go right? Since the agent actually put so much effort to coordinate this interview, I would feel really bad if I cancel on them. I should probably go and find out more on the work.

2nd is my sessions with Michael, should I continue with weekly session or just once every 2 weeks?

hmmmmm. I should probably find someone with more experience in trauma and dissociation disorder?

But I don't want to change counselor though. and I  probably shouldn't bother, since I can't talk about it.

$320 or $640 🤔 Should I flip a coin?

But, what should we do when we struggle with the memory, get too overwhelm and start cutting ourselves again.

I think it really hurts us when we see what we do to ourselves and watch ourselves bleed.

Conversation with mom just now:

ME: Mommy~ did you see my black beaded bracelet?

MOM: what do u mean?  You're always disorganized and losing you stuff why are you asking me? Your room is dirty and messy, I don't even touch your stuff! 

ME: You just re organized my desk yesterday, what do you mean you don't touch my stuff.

MOM: smiles cheekily and quietly walks away.

ME: ROLL EYES

1 Nov 2022 Journal

 I was really struggling in session just now. I was quite silent and I thought Michael look quite bored at some point, and I pointed it out. I felt bad for laughing, but I really needed to get the tension off me. I really wished he could have done more to pull me out of the state. He told me to take deep breaths, but he didn't follow through with it and then I got stuck in the state again. I wonder if he is familiar with dissociation. If he is, why didn't he pull me out, I was drowning just now, and he just sat there mumbling some words.

I don't think we should ever speak of it again in session.

I think he was quite tired, I felt his attention drifted away for only a little bit. I shouldn't have pushed for earlier time slot, and should have given him more time to recollect/rest himself.

Instead of throwing those angry post into drafts, I decided to post it because I don't want to hide them. I just feel that it's quite weird. I told Michael to read them because I wanted to know what he thought about it, but I forgot to ask him?

I just don't know how to say that those anger are like another part of me, but still me I guess? it's confusing.

When I reached home just now, my mother, once again, moved our stuff around. and reorganized our desk base on what she thinks is better. I was honestly too fucking tired to even react. Just a slight annoyance and them too tired to give a damn. I probably just don't even need to bother reacting and creating drama about it.

My interview with nuh is tomorrow. Am I really even considering to change job? If not, why do I still bother to go? They have really fixed and longer work hours, and of course not as flexible as the current one. I am just so scared that I will screw it up because I cant function normally. I really hate myself for this.

TOLD YOU SO

 We struggled a lot today. The anger slipped in when she tries to barge into our room and started shouting and making sarcastic remarks. The sudden burst of emotions creeped in, the angry frustration.

It was so maddening, we were determined that we don't want to continue this kind of life anymore. That we would rather die than to continue on like this. but we seek help, and now we have to live.

We wanted to scream at her. but we held it in because speaking to her is useless. After trying to force her out of our room, we still had to go to the kitchen and have breakfast with her. It felt so tiring!

It is what it is, but how, why, do we have to go on living like this. How do we regulate this feeling. We couldn't sleep, and we struggle with work, but yet, we still have to struggle with a terrible morning with this women. As we eat our breakfast, everything around us is filled with bitterness and anger because she was angry.

Why do we suffer because of someone else. You thought we were getting better, but we already knew. We told you, that it's hopeless but you stubbornly refuses to die.

Why is she screaming at us! What has she done for us anyway!? what right does she have to scream at us!! just shut up when you have never even done anything for us! 

It's so hard today. we could barely function.

31 Oct 2022 Journal

 We get a little angry when we can't sleep. So the suicidal thoughts comes back and we do some planning. But we won't act on them because I'm trying. We just entertain the idea of it.

We cut 4 lines again, because , well, anger. I guess we will just go to work without sleeping, again.

How, how can we change job when we can barely function like a normal working adult. This is what makes us mad.

Maybe we are too broken to be fixed. We lie on the bed for hours, unable to fall asleep. Our thoughts wouldn't rest. Then the bad memory slips in and we cut ourselves. we go back to bed and still can't sleep.

This is hopeless.

28 Oct 2022 Journal

 I think I was feeling better so I spent more time talking to my mother, which was a mistake. I was also struggling with my food, I didn't have appetite but I was afraid that she would start scolding me if I didn't finish my food, so I force myself to finish them.

I feel quite unwell and nauseous,  like I can't breath properly. I struggled to keep out the memory. My head hurts I couldn't deal with it. so I cut 4 lines. I really don't wish to add more lines to my wrist.

This weekend is going to be fucking great. 

28 Oct 2022 Journal

 Dinner yesterday was quite tiring because my mom wouldn't stop complaining about something that I don't even remember what was it about. I was able to just pretend to nod my head and agree with whatever that she was saying while not really listening and just focusing on my dinner.

It feels like the suicidal part has really calm down a lot. Last time I would start to get agitated and think of going out to kill myself. Which was what happen last month even though I failed.

I'm no longer actively suicidal. I'm not sure what to feel about this. The angry part doesn't start to overwhelm me. She's so mellow now. I wonder how long will this last. If  I have acknowledge all this years of abuse and what I had been missing from my life while growing up, I wonder what's next?

I always feel like there is no constructive plan in our therapy session. I think my counselor did mention it, I probably forgot. 

Last night I noticed that my cuts are healing. I briefly thought of hurting myself again. I played videos and pulled my mind out of it, then went to bed. Every time the memory slips it, I try to pull myself away. It's only hard when I can't stop replaying the memory of it. Only then, I clutch my fist or head in misery. I don't cry, just hate and misery. 

I honestly don't know why I told Michael so much. I wonder if he is experience in trauma therapy. Is what I am experiencing a kind of trauma? I think he is always attentive and listens well. I really appreciate when he was able to recall some details that I told him, even though he did get 1 small detail wrong. but I could tell he really listened and remembered. Which I feel quite grateful. When I noticed that he doesn't seem to take notes, I always wondered if he even remember anything that I told him.

I think I had been wondering if I should mentioned that our mother used to hit us. So eventually I did told him. I was concern with my self harm because I felt that it was getting out of hand, I just shouldn't have mentioned what caused it. Maybe I did wanted to tell him at some point so that we can heal. I just didn't expect to suddenly say it last session. Actually I'm not sure if I would really had told him since I honestly don't feel like I could tell anyone about it.

It really threw me off when we mentioned that incident. Why even bother saying it if I'm not going to talk about it.   o.o||

 I wonder if he will ask or prompt me about it. He has always been so relax. Always just waiting for me to say what I feel comfortable saying. But. we. will. not. speak. of. it. I think.

Work is super boring today, I got absolutely nothing to do. 😒

27 Oct 2022 Journal

 I go to work feeling quite brain dead. I think I am just tired from not getting enough sleep. As I was on the train to work, I cant help feeling this overly emotional range of feelings. Like I'm just really tired of living. I guess it's an improvement that my suicidal thoughts have become rather passive and not active?

The session yesterday did help a lot. At least I didn't cut myself again. I think I am hurt badly enough. I couldn't even wear my bracelets because it hurts too much. I didn't dare show my counselor the cuts. I actually mentioned the incident 20 years ago. Maybe I shouldn't have, maybe I did the right thing. But how, how could I ever talk about it. I could not. I probably shouldn't have said anything. But the thing with Michael though is that, he always makes me feel like it's okay to tell him things. 

I never wanted to mentioned what my mom did. Never really wanted to admit it. but the subconscious part of me that made me type out the words really bothered me. The truth is we don't actually remember a lot of it, just bits and pieces. So, we just told him. Maybe it will help us heal. We couldn't say that she used her hands, or what we saw was a little worse than it is. I guess the graphics don't matter. We could still see it in our head, the gasping, crying, choking sound, how she roughly shake the tiny child. The frightening series of hits on the small bodies. We were really young then.

It's funny how these images stayed in our heads. Maybe they are all made up and lies. untruths.

I think I zone out a little bit when we mentioned that incident. I can't talk about the emotions, but.. it was really hard. Michael started talking about some random stuff, which I honestly don't even remember what it was. I was really grateful that he tried to distract us. I should probably use proper personal pronouns. But this is an honest space for my thoughts. I just write what I feel. I really don't think he has time to read anyway, don't think it matters.

The angry part of me has really calmed down a lot. Michael said that I was chirpy. This morning a guy sitting beside me started talking to me after we exchanged a few smiles previously. He said he is happy to see me, which made me really surprise and I ask him curiously why. I think, maybe some part of me has this really friendly, cheerful and approachable outlook. It's actually funny. I did feel better after exchanging a few smiles with people in the office. I got so bored yesterday that I started to chat with the recept guy, I think I am socialising quite well these days. hahaha. My counselor should be proud of me. heh.

26 Oct 2022 Journal

 Another day of feeling dazed. Like there's a fog that wouldn't clear. Well I did barely slept last night and that was terrible. I slept from 8pm-10pm than 7am-9am. Can I just add them up and declare that I slept for at least 4 hours?

I didn't need to wear the bracelets yesterday, my sleeve didn't fall back easily. Today I had to wear them, and that fucking hurts. 

I hope the counselor leads the session later. I think I have already run out of things to say about my mom. Like haven't we already gone through all the details of how I was neglected or emotionally abuse? Do we have to go through every single detail? I feel like its so pointless though, it all adds up to the same emotions isn't it. which caused me to be suicidal. and we talked about it.

I'm glad we have a session later, because honestly I think I would have gone home and hurt myself again.

I think I have a legit problem that I am starting to turn it into a habit. The worst part would be if I start to recall the memory while doing it, than my anger caused me to cut deeper, which by the way is fucking stupid. Well the memory is constantly at the back of my mind which annoys the fuck out of me.

I really shouldn't have fucking done it.

25 Oct 2022 Journal

 Finally, did my work and submitted my forms to the agent. I guess I just really need to feel the pressure to start working on them. It feels good to be busy.

It was raining and I used my hand to cover my head. While on the traffic light, I saw this cleaner uncle from office. We were always friendly to each other, we would smile and make small talks. Sometimes when leaving office, I would even smile happily at the recept people and say "byebye!" and wave at them.

So the cleaner uncle, sadly I don't know his name, we were waiting at the traffic. He had an umbrella. I impulsively ran to him and he happily offered to share his umbrella. I grinned and talk to him jokingly saying that he actually pretended not to see me so that he doesn't need to share his umbrella with me.

We laughed and took the train together because, well we happened to be on the same line. I actually wanted to walk slower and I was taking a call, smiling and waving at him to go ahead and leave first. but. he kinda just waited for me. =x 

So I was stuck with making small talks with him through the journey. Well I guess I'm hitting the quota of being sociable. Of course it wasn't that I didn't like people or anything like that. I was just honestly quite tired. But it was nice to hear him chat a little about his story.

He used to be a "bad" guy and did bad things, and later he found Christ and that lead him to change to a better person. That was really good for him and we chatted a little on this subject. We were saying that it's just important to just be good at heart and not have guilty conscious. Last time, he used to be afraid of seeing the police I guess cause he always looks guilty. but now he feels upright and able to look at people straight into their eyes. I am happy for him. 

Then he said that I am also such person, cheerful and good and look straight at people's eye. I really didn't know how to react. Maybe I'm just too good at acting. This afternoon was so bad that I couldn't keep up with my act, but by the end of the day I felt a little better after doing some work and pretended to cheerily wave at the recept people again.

No one sees the horrible cuts on my wrist. No one knows the despair that I feel that drives me to want to die. well except my counselor and imh doctor I guess. lol.

The imh case manager called again to check on me. While it was great that someone was checking on me, I realized that he was just really doing his job and probably didn't want to hear that I am not okay. What else could I say? He would just say, go to a and e or call the crisis hotline. I honestly just want to roll my eyes every time someone says that to me. 

25 Oct 2022 Journal

 Cant function today in office, brain is fuzzy and can't focus at all. I need to place 3 orders. What the hell is wrong with my brain?? Pretty sure I got 6 hours of sleep yesterday and that is considered pretty good. 

I was going to take leave tomorrow, but I cancelled my leave. I realized that I had to calculate salary and expenses tomorrow so I won't be able to take leave for the interview.

I really wish I could go back to kms. Why do I just feel that I can't do anything? 

It's just a loop, feeling good 1 day, and feeling depressed the rest of the week. My cut is bad, I think I would nick the vein if I do it again. Maybe I almost did. Not really, it's just a scratch, I should cut deeper, No, I shouldn't.

Should I leave my house to do it, but what if I don't die and got warded again. Should I just fall, to make sure I would really die?

These meds really doesn't do shit, I am still as depressed as ever.

SADNESS

 We were really sad today. We shouldn't have done it. The cuts kept bleeding, and it wouldn't stop. Even now,  tiny bits of blood still seep through. Maybe we should just let it dry. It really hurt.

It's really painful. We shouldn't have, it made us worse. We made a mistake. Now it's hard. 

24 Oct 2022 Journal

 Well, there goes the plan of feeling good. The suicidal thought decrease, but the self harm thought increase. Every time I recall it, I just hurt myself. It's really funny how the pain only comes afterwards. What I hate most is how I don't understand why I cant just let it go or get over it after all these years. 

Like WHY.

Maybe it's really better to just die. this struggle is too much and not worth it.

23 Oct 2022 Journal

 I am actually shocked that I slept for so many hours. maybe 12 hours? like what? But it was a kinda good sleep and rest. It wasn't like the previous times when I just slept to try and escape my depressive thoughts. I was honestly feeling better and just had a really restful sleep.

That felt really good. Where did the constant anger and misery go? I have not felt the constant suicidal thoughts for maybe 2 days. That's pretty good. Maybe the therapy session does help?

hehe. Finally I can enjoy my weekends! Feels such a relief that my spare times are not filled with the misery thoughts of wanting to kill myself. I think, I have my anger, pretty well under control.

Maybe acknowledging what I didn't have in childhood helps. I talked about cz last session, didn't  know that I would suddenly start tearing. But yes, I had felt a lot of anger and resent, feeling that maybe, the way I grew up had made me sabotaged my r/s with him. I remembered when I saw that he had married, I had felt such a big lost in me. Like I really lost someone important to me. I don't think he will ever know how much I cared for him, or how much I had really wanted to be with him at that time. But I just couldn't.

That was when the anger and resentment started piling up. I kept feeling this anger and resent every time I see my mother, or every time she did something selfish or started shouting. I couldn't hate her, so I hated myself, since my existence was a mistake and since I'm so useless to her, why not just die. Since my life is basically just filled with misery and I am so worthless and a burden, why not just die.

My mom had been pretty nice to me these days. I meekly asked her one morning, if she could make the bread and egg breakfast for me. She complained a bit, but she did. Dinner time, she scooped rice and put a lot of vegs on the bowl and had it prepared and sitting on the table for me when I came out to the kitchen.

22 Oct 2022 Journal

 So today was funny. Knowing that my sister is coming over gives me the motivation to step out of my house and exercise.

I started with some stretching exercise and slowly got my heart rate up. I closed my eyes and simply just be aware of the moment. How my feet was hitting the ground, breathing in and out, feeling the cool breeze on my face, being aware of the trees rustling and the birds chirping.

With no triggers, I started feeling the emotions trying to creep in again. The anger and misery that is part of me, as if asking me, " what are you trying to do" The part of me that is getting upset because, I was trying. 

I let the anger take over me as I continue to run, feeling the misery in me, and then I asked," what are you going to do about it? what are you going to do about all this anger? what can you do about it? Feel the breeze on the face, isn't it nice." I ran with the anger in me, wondering why I had to suddenly feel this way. I wanted to tell her that, it's okay to let go of the anger. The anger grudgingly left, and I slow down, acutely aware of how my muscles were aching. 

The tingling upset feeling still lingers as I walked slowly back to my house. My sister was on my pc and I lay on the floor beside her. I had this burning question that I wanted to ask her for awhile but I never did. So I plucked up the courage and asked, what did the imh staff told you when you were informed to pick me up.

Apparently, nothing more than what was discussed with the doctors. I didn't want them to tell her about my suicide attempt, but they could tell her I was admitted due to depression. I'm think she guessed because of what I told her after she tried to asked me some questions.

Seems like I lost my Jet stone bracelet, which really upsets me. All my other pieces of bracelets are still around, just missing that one. Which is funny considering how I always just remove or wear them together in a group.

Luckily I don't seem to have the intense thoughts of dying anymore. only, occasionally. but every time I  see my cuts healing, I wonder why I had this feeling of wanting to cut myself again.

Every time I recall the memory, I just hate it and feel like hurting myself. I wish it would stop.

21 October 2022

 Ironically, I had an interview scheduled with NUH next week. I was suppose to get a referral to nuh for a 2nd opinion.

The office is so cold today. 

I know. That the other part of me just wants to die. I really don't want to get admitted into the wards again if I failed at dying. Am I going to get hurt again during the weekends..

The reality is just that, a professional therapist, setting his boundaries clear. He did in fact, done nothing wrong. But yes, we still wished for the little bit of compassion, empathy, or just something a little more gentle would be better than than a cold slap of professional email.

Why would a busy senior psychotherapist who teaches and have a lot of client have time to bother with a small potato like me. I am just one of the many clients with probably the same issue.

Let's say that he does care, but with his limited bandwidth of 1 hour. That's it. I don't think I was unreasonable, no reply, no follow up, just one email to show he gives a damn. was that unreasonable?  was voicing out my feelings unreasonable?

I thought that most therapist would understand and support you. Then again, that's where the perspective of two people comes in, neither is wrong. It's just what is.

Like the family that I had, I wanted more, but there isn't. She has her limits and I am hurt constantly because of her. I understand it. Then what? Nothing would change. I guess I had to acknowledge and accept it? Let's say I does that, then we still go on, this cycle of struggle. why can't I just quit. I've acknowledge that I didn't have what I need to grow up with the right mind, then what? What am I not acknowledging?

Acknowledge all the pain I had, the love and care that I didn't have, then what? move on? know that it's not my fault? because it is just what it is, and I just find better coping skills to deal with life now?

There is still not a lot to live for though, like why bother? 

Still so depressive. I think this batch of meds is lousy.

20 Oct 2022

 Well, this is awkward. I had to yet again, throw another post into the draft area because.. it was too fucking weird.

Like how? how does a typo becomes 7 words that were typed out and I had no clue when it happened, I was definitely not going to say that, but it was just typed out and the next moment when I read it again I was just shocked with the words. It was typed out subconsciously by me I guess?

So I guess, that's a big reaction for considering to want to acknowledge the emotions and situation. The other part of me doesn't want to heal and just wants to sulk in misery. - roll eyes-

Why is this so confusing. It's so hard when I feel anger, when did I started to hate myself so much?

She hates that life is so unfair, that she had to suffer so much

She hates the person who call herself our mother, but yet constantly hurts us

She is so angry and resentful that she grew up without anyone caring about her.

All they did was to constantly harm her and hurt her feelings. Saying that she is useless and a shame to the family. Why didn't she matter to them, why didn't someone care about her?

What am I suppose to do with all this feelings. I want to tell her to just grow up and deal with it, because life is unfair and you still have to live life the best way you can. But she doesn't want to. She is sick of life and doesn't want to keep trying anymore, she doesn't believe in hope and doesn't trust a lot of people. She just thinks that dying is better.

Well, that is the suicidal part of me I guess. I really don't know what to do. 

Diamond

 Finally it's your turn. We had to. 

When we had no one, when we were crying, when we had no comfort. We had Diamond.

As we sat crying alone in the room and feeling miserable, Diamond would come to us and and tried to get into our laps, lick us and comfort us. Diamond wanted to hug us and tell us that it was okay.

We would hug her, feeling that small sense of comfort from her, no judgement from her, no criticism from her. She is just there, pure and loving with us.

We regretted not being by her side when she passed on from old age. Really regretted. Miss her terribly.

Even after years and years after you left, we still miss you and it felt just not so long ago that you were still with us. 

Had you been gone for so long already? The most special one.

 

20 Oct 2022 Journal

 Finally! I got to have maybe 6-8 hours of sleep. Omg. well obviously that's because I didn't sleep the whole night yesterday and went to work. Lol. Felt dizzy, light headed. Didn't take break fast, and ate too little for lunch, I don't think that's a bad thing. Unfortunately, my mom cooked rice AND potato. I just hate this combination the most and told her nicely multiple times, but guess what, she doesn't give a damn.

I was really getting more and more angry just now before I slept and the angry part is given a time out, no writing for her because she is too childish. Your post can only be kept in draft mode.

After switching to 1 tab of sertraline yesterday, the suicidal side effects were intense. Like my god, they actually exist, and affected me so much. But they wore off soon, I think luckily the doctor started me with half tab for a week. I think I can actually tell if they are caused by my own thoughts or are the side effects of the meds. They just feel different from my own suicidal thoughts. I think.

I was dreading work yesterday, just waiting for my boss to tell me nicely that my attendance is too poor. Anticipated it. but nope. I struggled between wanting to talk to him to say I'll resign, or just waiting it out.

Nothing happened, he spoke to a few other colleagues but me. After lunch he was already gone. Damn it.

I cut myself yesterday morning, and that was bad. I just got angrier when I did it, and ops. It was still surface bleeding, but I had to press on it a little longer to stop the bleeding. I thought of doing it again just now when I was angry, but I didn't. I don't want it to become a habit.

I usually had my black beads group with the other bracelets together every time I wear or remove it, they are always together. and I wear it to cover my scars. But for the life of me, I don't know why I can't find it, and I really love that beads. It's a Jet stone bracelet. I think it must have fallen off somewhere in my room.

I wonder if I should email my counselor to remind him of our session. He didn't even bother to send a short reply or just acknowledge my email. 7 days. I'm sure he was busy, maybe on a holiday, yes, he shouldn't have to check his email if he was on a holiday. but I really expected him to at least reply when he returned. but noppe. He had completely forgetter about me. Probably didn't even read my blog, I guess I shouldn't have expected him to. I just know I'm gong to get annoyed if he says he cares, but done noting to show it except showing up in our session and talking. What does he even know about me? How will he help me when he doesn't know anything about me? Does he even have any plans or goals for our session? We never talked about any of it. Maybe I am too impatient.

I am really annoyed with how much I told him, I don't even remember very clearly what I said, which bugs the hell out of me. I know that I started tearing at some point, and I kept trying to recall what I was saying, I think, it was about.. how I returned home with all my stuff and my mom was just yelling at me. I think it  was about that? "wishing for just one moment in her life that she could have considered my feelings" I think it was about this incident. I don't remember what else I said, except my mom giving us bad food, and...  counselor started asking some short questions, and that's about it I think.

I feel nervous about the session later. maybe.  

Incapacitated

17 Oct Journal 5.36am

 I guess I could go to work again without sleeping, since I have done it before, or I could skip work and go and kill myself.

Despair sets in when my thoughts wouldn't rest and race through the details of this pathetic life that I have.

How do I distract myself that this is me? That I can't run away from who I am?

The scary part is that I seriously want to consider doing it. Go to my quiet place and make sure that I really cut myself deep enough that I can bleed to death before someone finds me, but since it's raining heavily outside now and I cant go to that place, I could take a lift up and just fall to death.

Why not? I had thought of the last words that I wanted to say to my doctor. It felt like he really cared to some degree.

Maybe this change of meds, is not working. I guess it gets a little worse before it gets better? I think the doctor mentioned that. I took 1 tab of clonazepam though, why doesn't it work.

I casually slit two lines across my wrist again. I begin to wonder what is a scratch and what is considered deep. 

What is a scratch and what is deep,

as I slit two thin lines that bleeds.

I guess we are just weak

because everything looks really bleak.

we just hope that it will all be quick.

I wonder where is my counselor?

my emails says he's not contactable

and where is my doctor?

He is 3 weeks away, says the calendar.

The other part of me grins like the devil

telling me that I am just laughable.

15 Oct Journal

 6.15pm started exercise, I told myself that I would do cardio until 6.35 then I said why not just pushed it just 5 more mins. That 1 min felt really long. Just when it hit 6.40, I turned on my favorite BTS motivational music, and decided that I could run around for another10mins. I jog slowly home and my nephew saw that I was exercising, and said he needed to exercise too.

I spent another 10mins playing songs and jumping around with him. That was really fun, he kept trying to talk about this game that he was playing while moving around slowly. I said," faster Kaen, FASTER" and laughed. He picked up speed and ran faster. It felt really funny that I was motivating someone else.

When was the last time I really laughed and smiled?

After dinner, the kids and I squeezed into the 2 seater sofa to play some Netflix show. I could feel Kaelyn right beside me, I felt some comfort from her closeness.

I know that they like to hang out around me, so did I. I always find it strange how Kaelyn likes to stick with me when she was younger.

They argued, didn't want to leave. play rock paper scissors. bla bla bla. Kaelyn stayed a little longer, Kaen sulk and pouted. It was all rather endearing.

When they were a lot younger, I constantly distance myself from them since I didn't like their mother. I always feel bad when they were disappointed that I didn't turn up in some events. I would declined to join when they want to go for walks, for me it was because my sister was there.

Eventually, I just couldn't keep disappointing them, and decided to fully engage with them. They shouldn't feel rejected just because I didn't like my sister. That was unfair to them. In some ways, they did a lot of good for me too.

So, was exercising suppose to help? I know now that it helps at the moment, but it doesn't drive away the flashbacks. I couldn't stop it. It almost felt like I was going through it again and it drives me crazy. I feel like hurting myself again when that happens. I felt the same emotions again, and again.

I just HATE IT when that memory keeps coming back. I feel like my head is splitting when the flashbacks gets longer. I really can't stand it.

14 Oct Journal

 I felt like I wanted to sink and talk about a lot of stuff. But they were too dark. I recall the counselor words, find something exciting and even added in a smiley face.

Just go out for walks, go for runs, just snap out of it? Is it so simple?????

I still feel obligated to at least do or write some things that are not negative or at least neutral, something that shows that I am trying (trying what?)

 (honestly there is really nothing exciting to write, so I could not do that)

2 things, that I was constantly being told/reminded to do. Friends and activities.

I texted some of my dear colleagues from kms, just asking how they have been, getting in touch with people. and also ask if there are any class/activities that they are attending or that I could join.

I also texted this guy from cnb, that I have ghosted many times lol. He's a nice guy, I apologize for ghosting him constantly and told him honestly that it was because I was dealing with depression. Well, to be honest, I just threw that in, half expecting him to run the other way. But he didn't. Talk to me a lot and was quite encouraging. That was interesting.

We were kinda encouraging each other, talking about stuff, and I mentioned that I thought of starting to clock in some exercise too. I just received a text from him, asking me to show proof with a wink smiley face. I smiled a couple of times when we were chatting.

I tidy up and clean my desk. Burn some sages to clear this stifling air. It all felt pretty good.

I was trying to look to for my primary school report book since the imh doctor requested for it, I couldn't find it. I do remember some words written by the teachers then. 'xxx is a shy and soft spoken girl. something like that. later it progress to something along on 'frequent careless mistake and need to take my study more seriously' I think this was in secondary school.

Anyway, instead of finding my report book, I found a lot of other stuffs that... was quite upsetting maybe.

First is the cert for my engagement ring. I think it cost around $4k+. I've thought a few times if I should sell it, but I just couldn't.

Next thing I found.. is, a lot a lot of books.. Many of them are all Buddhism related books. It really hurt, because I was so fond of studying them. When I was passively suicidal, it had never crossed my mind to really kill myself, because all life form is precious, and life as a human is even more precious. That's why even when I had thoughts, it never seem like it was an option. I still just kept struggling on.

Yet, I had fallen so far. It's just so hard to comprehend this drastic change. It hurts that I have forgotten all the teachings, all the misery and suffering, I should understand it. I just let myself sunk, until I just couldn't make sense of anything else but the pain.

Well, there goes the plan to write something positive. Couldn't even do that. -roll eyes-

I'll go clock my 30mins of exercise now. :-]

14 Oct Journal

 This is so awkward. There's no order coming in, literally have nothing to do in office. It's a shared office, so there's nothing much to work on.

Yesterday afternoon, when I was in office, I suddenly felt incredibly tired and emotional. I could feel all the negative emotions creeping in and was shaky, couldn't focus. Probably due to change of meds, so I took half clonazepam. It's really weird when I'm so out of it. 

I was angry and wrote a short post yesterday, after reading it, I felt that I just couldn't post it. I don't think I write very well when I'm angry. Sometimes this other side of me just wants to take over and vent everything out. She is quite childish.

Usually I don't have reservations on my writings, but the post is too confusing, I'm just afraid how my counselor would judge me.

I don't know what my boss wants, he wants salary adjustment, I bluntly told him we should find someone to replace me. Then he says let's discuss again. What is there to discuss?

Half the time, he doesn't know what he wants and he wants me to come up with something. I really don't have a clear direction at all. Honestly, I can't stand this "free time" in office, I'd much rather be busy with work and keeping myself occupied.

Few weeks ago, some company came across my cv and would like to invite me down to interview, but I rejected them 😖They offer higher salary but, it was longer working hours. God, I got too spoiled in this company. 

20 days AL 1000 Medical claims per year no restrictions. work hours 10 am - 5pm. 

Boss leaves by 2pm. I feel really trapped. I'm afraid to change job and worried that I can't work properly if I can't even cope with myself. My boss said to just stay and improve on my attendance.

*screams* why don't you just find someone to replace me. I should really appreciate his kindness.

I really felt like changing job, something more hectic. That will keep me busy, yet I am just so unsure if I could keep up, if I could even function normally.

Even though I wanted to change job, I just really don't know how much I can deal with these days.

It's Friday. Weekends are coming.

Sometimes. I just clutch my fist, wishing that. wishing for..  things that cant be said. 

My sister text me yesterday,  I think that might be what have triggered me to be upset. At some point, I have decided that I will never trust her. There's a reason why I had to come to this decision.

It was also proven, when her first reaction was to yell at me when I was in imh. I honestly wanted to die at that time, the pain in me was too familiar, but there was no way for me to die since I was in the ward (lol) I very rashly thought of smashing the mirror to get a glass to slash myself, but lets be honest, I wouldn't have manage to die with all the nurse and doctors around. So, no point trying. I took so much effort to 'look' alright, so that I can be discharge soon, can't say the same for the other patients.

Don't fall for it and get hurt again. No one in my family can be trusted, I could never ever rely on them.

(except for dad. we love him)

 

NO CRYING

When we were in school, a kid fell and they started crying. It felt funny to see that. We were usually taught not to cry. 

The more we cry, the more we got hit.

No crying allowed.

We still do, we just do it secretly.

One time, we said something wrong and she was mad.

She dragged us around, to the living room and threw us down. She made us kneel on the floor for hours.

Tears slipped, no wailing or any sound, that was okay.  Our tiny legs hurt. We don't really know what happened, we just said the wrongs things and that made her angry.

Sometimes a lot of bad things happened, and it's always our fault. 

We made them mad, we didn't do good enough,  we were bad.

12 Oct Journal

 Decided to impulsively apply for a flat at HDB. Not really impulsive without the consideration of financial planning, more on booking base on which will be completed the soonest, without consideration on the location.. lol. But I would probably not be able to book successfully due to high que number.

I was out today for quite a bit. I think a lot of brisk walk, maybe around 20mins. Went to imh for my appointment after 2 months, and guess what? The doctor is on mc!

Imagine how resentful I felt. I waited grudgingly for my turn because the appointment will be video call base, having half the mind to be quite un participative and resistant.

It was not even a psychotherapy session, just a doctor appointment that will be around 30-40 mins. Did I miss out something, apparently when they did a triage call with me, I didn't fit in with the criteria for therapy session. huh?

The call eventually turn out to be more than an hour long, I was sure that there was another patient right after me, but I think she got deferred to another doctor? My resentment quickly disappear, because the doctor really sounded sick, constantly coughing and blowing nose. He was genuinely quite concern with what has been happening around me and wanted to know a lot of details related to childhood. I felt bad for being resentful earlier. Honestly don't remember any details at all around primary school, which I wonder if it's normal. I think I just have a very bad memory. So embarrassing. Guess what, he recommended dynamic therapy, whatever that means. who knows how many months away that will be.

SOO, I think I'm going to quit my current job and informed my boss tomorrow. !! 

I'm excited because, time to look for new job..! (sarcasm intended)

and Holy f.ck, this really got me excited. Heart race, not the good looks, but the music and dance and energy, all SO impactful. 3:59 this song is the best. Jung Kook has such intense gaze. His energy is absolutely amazing. Love this!

I feel really scared and uncertain, when this feeling of hope, creeps in. I was not able to find hope , didn't want to, but I still follow the motions of what I should do. So now, people tells me what to do to find that hope again, I listen and I try.. What if I fail again, what if I still can't. what if this weekend, I got drown , and couldn't step out of my misery again.

SOMETIMES

Sometimes, we wonder. We come back home and she's angry. Slamming things around. We quickly think back, did we forgot to throw the trash out, we didn't forget. Did we left a cupboard slightly ajar and didn't close it fully, no. Did we left some stuff and forgot to put it back at the same spot, no? What else?? Quickly think. Maybe we didn't do anything. Should we hide? Should we speak to her gently?

Sometimes we see some things that are really scary. We were scared, we wanted to do something or say something, but we were scared.

Once it happened to us, we hid in the toilet through the day. How many hours? We don't really remember. Miserable, just waiting for dad to come home, then we peek, and ran to him and hide behind him.

Sometimes we wish they would stop, constantly fighting, shouting. Slamming doors. We got frightened. Then we pretend that we are okay, so that they would stop fighting. Make everyone happier. 

Sometimes they blame us, sometimes it's our fault.

Sometimes she just bangs the door and yell for us, and it gave us a fright. Constantly.

It becomes a habit, we responded with fear. Then we realized oh, it's okay.

It's like walking on egg shells constantly. In this house.

Sometimes we took the lift to the highest floor and look down, and wonder if we could jump down.

But we were only 15.

Sometimes, we wonder.. is this normal?

One time, it was too much, they hated us, and we hated them. 

So we left. 

We hid in a safe space, and we watched them with glee.

 We couldn't hear them, and they couldn't hear us.

It didn't matter what they said, didn't matter what they screamed.

They simply faded away

We held on to each other, no one can reach us here 

11 Oct Journal

I washed my face vigorously. For a short moment, I wondered if I accidentally smacked my nose or some water got in. It kinda hurt. 

I always panicked a little while showering, I could almost hear the cries of my hair as they terminate themselves and fall off.

Towel dry hair carefully

Apply Bloom cream on face!

Plugs and blow dry hair

Stops and quickly put hair serum

Put argan oil

Spray some pink mist

Continue to dry hair.

Stops and quickly play BTS Motivational songs

Continue to dry hair. Put on clothes.

Music is really good, wants to dance to it, but since I didn't sleep the whole night. I probably shouldn't.

Put this, apply that, wake my mom up to steal her eyebrow pencil to use. Luckily, she just looks at me with a big frown, but didn't start complaining/shouting. Big win there.

Finishes and looks at mirror. I like my earrings. I look nice. 

Every action has it's meaning. What it meant to dry my hair, what it meant to try and look nice, what it meant to take care of my hair. how it felt, to listen to music while preparing for work. All this has it's own meaning when you are struggling between being alive or being dead. I just wanted to be aware of what it feels like.

I don't really like wearing the beads and bracelet. It pinches into my cuts sometimes and that hurts. The hairband is too tight sometimes and that hurts me too.

Goal for today: act like a normal functional human being.

Counselor said to get out and be around a lot of people, that helps. I don't know how to tell him that I did that, but yet it felt like they were in another world. or I was just outside, looking in, Does that makes sense? Sometimes it feels like they are in a blur, and I am just still alone. All the noises are like white noise buzzing and I was just not involved. I remembered I walked into mc donalds, it was so crowded, my eyes just glazed over like they were a movie or gif picture It actually felt more lonely when I was in a place full of people, so not sure about that.

I am acutely aware that I am too critical of myself. Just not sure what to do with it. Anyway, weekend accidentally extended by 1 day into Monday. So that was horrifying, and apparently I had been writing my journal wrong. 

Last 2 days were so bad. For future references, better to just die than call imh. Big mistake there. 

I just want to childishly sulk for a week because my counselor abandon me and is not available this week. I know the connection I feel with him is only one sided, because it was a one sided sharing session (lol). I think I will absolutely cringe with embarrassment if he reads this, but lets be honest, too many post too many words, I just bet 100% he wont see this.

I 'think' my boss saw my cuts on the wrist, which make me just want to crawl into a hole and hide. I saw him glance at it, but I wasn't sure if my sleeve was covering it. I notice that it fell a bit and its possible that he saw it, lets just pretend he didn't see it.

I feel such a huge relief that, I seem functional today. Counselor says to write things that I could feel excited about, and added a smiley face behind.

How should I say it, it's like someone is so miserable that they wanted to die, and someone just stands in front and says lets get excited about something!   ?

 I was incapacitated today, I didn't take lunch or breakfast. I did finally get up to cook dinner for my dad and myself. I slept away my day, hopping to sleep away my stupid thoughts.

I think my counselor seems too busy to bother with me. I don't think he wants to have a session with me before he go away. So, I really can't find it in me to bother him.

I wished I could tell someone that I really feel like dying today. I really want to leave my house and try to kill myself again. If I made enough attempts, I should succeed one of this day isn't it?

It feels so heavy, sometimes I want to scream why am I not getting better, why am I still suffering when I had taken my meds dutifully everyday. Why did old memories haunt me now, WHY can't  I let it go. I really hate that I still can't get over it because it's SO stupid to still feel pain after 20 years. Just Incredibly Stupid.

I think I am just really weak, and useless, and many other things that, lets just not bother to say anymore.

 I gave in to my thoughts and did a small cut. I wanted to make sure that I could still overcome the fear, if I wanted to. I did wanted to make a deeper cut, but I didn't give in to that impulse. I still feel like doing it again, but I think I will just go and rest on my bed and hope I fall asleep.

I still prefer to bury that incident, and not think of it again. Constantly having that flashback will not make me write what happen. So I hope it will start to go away.

I felt the vein when I was cutting, and I wonder how much will I bleed if I just slice into it. I think I should focus on that next time.. when I'm not at home.

I seriously considered leaving my house just now, and I let that moment pass.

I think I failed my impulse check, because I cut twice more. I don't think it matters. I feel satisfied with the 3rd cut. So I stopped.

I think I couldn't deal with the flashback, so I make some calls to ask about it. It makes me mad that it's another thing that I need to deal with. But I wont. I don't want to deal with it. I will continue to bury it until it doesn't surface again. Mad, yes. but also so much more.. that could not be said.

I feel a lot worse this few days. I just really don't understand why it keeps coming back to haunt me now. I wish I could continue to forget about it.

I definitely need to stop writing, and hope that it will go away.

Flashback

Does writing this journal daily makes me keep having flashback of a bad memory? Ever since I started this journal I keep recalling something that I have buried, and I don't understand it. Sure, I can handle it when it happen only occasionally through the years. Now I keep recalling it constantly..

I won't write about it. 

I think I should stop this journaling. My counselor had forgotten and abandon me. 

08 Oct pm Road to nowhere

 My sister, brother in law, niece and nephew came to visit today. I recently became aware that I felt resentment and anger after their visits. There was a bitter feeling to it. I remember last time after they left, I was very upset and agitated, and I used up a lot of will power to not walk out of my house and kill myself.

I can see that Kaen and Kaelyn are very lucky to have parents who loves them, affirms positive action and encourages them a lot. They were taught gently. I could see it every time they came to visit.

My counselor was right, it could be because that my sister got out early and now she's a good mother to her kids. She has always been strong, and active. I personally of course, thought she was overbearing and "another mother" to me. She was non existent in my life. There were times before she married when she came home to visit, and all she had for me were criticism, anger, and disappointment. That's what I am, a constant disappointment in my family. Someone that didn't matter, useless and a burden.

I didn't dislike them, I enjoy the kids, they are cute and adorable. Kaelyn is especially a very sweet girl. There were a few times when she had done things that were really sweet and sensitive. She has s special kind of intuition. 

I find it annoying that my sister suddenly seems to start caring about me now. It's like now she felt obligated to pay attention to me since the time when she had to pick me up at imh. I went out with her to buy dinner back home for everyone. She started to make conversations with me. I am just acutely aware of what she is doing because she knows that I was in imh recently. 

I'm glad that she is doing well now. I think even though we had never been close, but we could now still maintain a much healthier conversation with respect for each other at least.

When my counselor wanted me to start a journal, I felt happy to do it because it was what I like to do. Writing. I just never expected that my constant thought has always been these issues, or why did something that happen so long ago still pop out in my head. I know that sometimes, I have constant flashback of some events there were quite triggering, that were somehow always at the back of my mind. I just never expected the outcomes of writing about it plainly in text to be read. It felt.. so unsettling.

I think I feel quite angry with this counselor. He wanted me to write journals and so I did. I hop into the rabbits hole and came back up with a lot of buried skeleton bones. Then he is not available to support me through this. What am I suppose to do with them? They feel heavy and suffocating. So, he wanted me to acknowledge my feelings, then why is he not available to help me through this? They are written so plainly in text that I cant ignore them, I don't know what to do with them.

08 October Journal

I woke up and made my own brunch. My mom did say that she's not cooking today. She mentioned that she wanted to go out today by herself I think cause she gets bored being stuck at home. I feel nervous that she would want me to go out with her. Which I don't think she will.

I was lying on my bed just now and thinking through what I had blog so far. I had two realization.

I think since my 1st session with secret keeper, I had to begin to really admit that my mom was affecting me in a huge way. I still wished to say that my depression might have make it seems worse, and I really don't wish to think that my mom is the one causing me to be suicidal. I know that, there were moments when I got really distressed and wanted to die and it seems like my mom was causing it, but it could also be that depression was the main culprit and my mom was just the side effect, like I couldn't do it anymore. So that's depression talking.

Since I already knew that there was a lot of emotional abuse, and I had constantly been very resistant to that. I wondered what could have been the effect on me, and that's when the first realization came in.

Maybe I had grown up, without really know what its like to have a real relationship with a mother. I read a post yesterday about how a mother lost her child, she was devastated. She really love her child and had a happy, wonderful relationship with her. I thought that I never had that feeling. I don't remember my mom ever having any kind words to me. When I was 7 years old, I went to school alone, and walk back home myself. I saw kids at my age, had their parents or mom picked them up and bring them home. I was always alone. There were a lot of times when I would go home to an empty house because she was out playing mahjong with her friends.

When I got in trouble in school, and the teachers wanted to see my parents, my dad would be working, and my mom would refused because she said that I was an embarrassment and it cause her shame to go down and let people know that I was her child. So, my parents never ever had time to bother with me. I begin to feel more connections with my friends, who are the ones that I start to spend more time with after school. I was really happy to have friends, and that made me feel a lot of positive feelings that I never had with my family.

The realization was that I had needed to feel the intense need for validation that people cared for me when I started to have a relationship. Needless to say, I was extremely possessive and unreasonable. I pushed my partner to the limit just to see how much he cared. Break up with them for no reason, just to see their reaction, how much they really love or care for me, if they would want me back. I remember hating myself for what I was doing. Of course I didn't know what I was doing then. I begin to realize that I was too obsessives and insecure, and I tried to change later on, but never really understanding why I behaved in such a way in the first place.

The second realization … is that I had intentionally distance from my friends. I was searching for the right word to use and the word disassociation popped out. It's really interesting to find out all this terms that has happen to me and explains a lot.

I. I know that I shouldn't write this, because I don't want my counselor to ask me about it. But I still want to keep this space as what it is, a place for my honest thoughts. I don't want to feel that I can't write openly anymore.

My depression might just focus on the worst memory, so I started to recall this. I usually just forget about this incident and blocks it away. That really hurt a lot. This friend, may not know, but I had really treasured our friendship and all the time that we spent together. (sneaking out from her room window, to meet up with other friends) It had always felt very adventurous and fun. I felt very betrayed. Luckily, I didn't even tell her the whole truth of what happened. I saw her reaction, and I just couldn't say anymore. She was skeptical.. so, I just couldn't say anymore. I couldn't tell anyone. It was so hard. I really could not tell a single soul. I pretended that everything was fine, and I never bothered with this friend anymore. Our friends are all connected so sometimes I would still see her, and smile and pretend. Soon, she didn't bothered with me, and I didn't bothered with her too. I just left.

I begin to stop connecting with friends. I felt that I was safer alone.

07 Oct pm Road to nowhere

 For some reasons, I actually don't feel as suffocated as I thought I would be. The night progress and I went to play my game, which my god, I had neglected so much. I barely played this week and I really missed out on a lot of things. There's a new pull available which I guess I won't be spending money on to get it, because I spent most of my money on therapy session. lol. I think that's a good thing.

I had been thinking about this for awhile now and thought I should at least jot it down. One time I was replying an email to this secret keeper, and I felt like I wrote in a lot of details which I didn't really had the intention to initially. I just habitually start writing out my thoughts and I guess it felt like I could share it with him so I sent out the messaged. Actually, 5mins later, I immediately regret and panicked. I actually tried to recall the email, but then apparently, gmail doesn't let you recall sent email that has passed 30 seconds. So I guess I had to live with it.

I seems to forget that I had only met him once, and then I also gave him access to my blog. I feel quite anxious that he would be able to read my dark thoughts. it's unnerving because these are so private and I have never ever revealed so much stuff to anyone before. But I also really didn't want to be uncommunicative. I thought that it should probably be ok right? To share more info would be helpful I think? It's just unsettling to feel that someone I only met once knows so much about me now. or maybe not if he doesn't read them.

The strange thing is that, at least I am able to talk to him about a lot of things that I have never spoke of.

I had two session with Tee, and I never even came close to telling her half of what I had told M in one session. I felt that I could not open up to T, I don't know why. I had the impression that she was not very open to talk about my suicidality, and I had a problem with that. It was something that was affecting me and bothering me a lot, I really don't know why though that I cant seem to tell her. Maybe I felt like she didn't really care or like she never addressed to some of the things that I had told her in email. She never ask about it or come close to bringing up the topic. Her main concern was always just the safety plan, and safety plan again in the 2nd session.

Secret keeper was refreshing, I think because it was the first time that someone told me it was "understandable"

After my 2nd attempt during Sept, Tee knows about it but never asked, or want to see my wound, even if just to show some concern. It really felt like she didn't bother that much. I know that she was really hard on me because of that 2nd attempt, but that ultimately pushed me away. Maybe it was simply a matter of wrong approach. One thing I really love about her though is how she would follow up with me on email and explore how I felt about the session, and she would call me occasionally to check on me. It felt really comforting to know someone was checking in on me.

I was really surprise that secret keeper wanted to see my cuts on my wrist. I felt like at least he seem to have read my email and care enough to ask about it. I wondered why he wanted to see it though. I feel bad that I actually don't really recall what I had shared with him in the session, but I remember that I spoke quite a bit about my mother and how she was affecting me. I also teared a bit while talking about my mother, and that never happened with T. I feel bad that I had given him a bad impression of my mother.

I don't really know what to do with my complicated r/s with my mom. I want to think that, my depression just make everything really worse than it is, that maybe when I feel better, I could deal with her.

I don't trust this feeling that I have now. Like I am making progress, like I am improving. Because this was exactly what I felt on the same day I tried to kill myself. I felt positive and thought that I could enjoy the day doing things that I used to like to do, but 6 hours later, I walked to my quiet place, refused to call sos hotline and cut a lot deeper than I ever did. The progression that I thought I felt, flew out of the window, and it really messed me up.

Still I think, I should go with the flow. I think I want to go out later and maybe visit kms temple. I really missed that part of my life. I feel really unsure of these small steps to get better, because I didn't want to do it anymore. I didn't want to feel better and to deal with life. I wanted to let myself sink and just die.

I feel quite okay now, without the intense thought of wanting to kill myself, I just wonder how long it will last.