What is play time?

What is shame?

A broken toy?

A broken child?

Is she a thing?

Is she tame?

Is she something that can be claimed?

An unchanging stone, a gun with blanks

A chilling cold that eats the bone. a raging storm beneath the sea

A tuneless melody plays through the trees.

A silent scream of pain and shame

A broken anger left untame,

Kept in a box to keep her safe.

Maybe one day all this will end, 

with only the remains of her bloodstains.

We couldn't catch our breath,

under the feather pillow

We tried to laugh, as we play 

Ignoring the panics of breathless gasp.

Then we became frozen

our little minds screamed

Then we became frozen

our little minds stays blank

Then we remain frozen

so that we couldn't understand

because we didn't understand

so that we didn't understand.

 

Anger storms and screams

Yet she can't be free

the cycle of sun rise and sun set

The beauty and the ugly.

 one slit, two slits, 3 slits

one slash and a spill

How deep, is too deep?

NIGHTMARE 2

I remembered most of my dream barely. When they are random and things that I picked up from when I was awake, I forget about them quickly, since they bare no significant meaning.

Then there are nightmares that are so vivid and terrifying that makes it hard to forget them.

It actually makes no sense to suddenly dream of x. I haven't thought about him for the last 2 months ( I think).

I was having anxiety with a date, I fall asleep and had a nightmare. so vivid.

I dreamt that x propose, and then betrayed me 1 week later, married to someone else. He wouldn't talk to me, or give me an explanation.  I called him and refused to talk to me,  was put on the line with his friend and his then wife.

I couldn't believe it.  I had so much pain and disbelief. I tried so hard to text him. I couldn't type properly. My fingers hurt, my hands shake. I kept trying and trying to type a message.

I woke up feeling bizarre.

Maybe the date later gave me a lot of anxiety.

 https://youtube.com/shorts/lqSavjw_zqI?feature=share

NO PLAYING ALLOWED

I feel constantly annoyed, and I had to keep brushing that feeling off. It's weird. Anger is afraid to disappear, she doesn't want to disappear. Is he trying to erase her?

Whatever that I am feeling? try to shift it? what do you mean? That's anger, why is he disregarding her, or trying to make her go away. She's not a bad person. (well except for the occasional time when we try to kill ourselves)

It's not her fault. She shouldn't disappear.

6/6 2023, Journal

 Just saying, would have been great if my mom had told me that the sister had cancelled. Really would have saved us a lot of anxiety and panicked on saturday night.

I knew I would be lazy to get out of the house if the sister visits on sunday, it would be especially harder to do that if I  slept only in the morning. As the time keeps ticking down, the Anger inside me kept panicking at me. As if screaming at me to make sure that I get out of the house.

Because if I stayed, I don't know how to deal with the sister. And I would probably pretend that everything is okay, and that would make Anger very emotional and upset, and I really don't know how to deal with it afterwards. Anger keeps thinking and thinking about how she treated us and kept getting angry every time she does that.

So there was a lot of anxiety and panicked. and I grab on ice cubes like what dr geoffrey suggested.

I did it twice. The first time I did it, I was surprised that grabbing on ice cubes was actually painful. So it helped to reset my system. I switched the ice cubes between both hands, and them rub my icy cold hands on my face. That was helpful.

The anxiety comes back and becomes worse everytime we look at the clock. I couldn't focus. So I grabbed at ice cubes again. I just held onto to it, thinking that it was less painful, we held it on one hand until it melted into nothing.

I went back to the drama show and painting.

Next day, I woke up after noon. I open my room door with a lot of anxiety, I could not describe the huge relief that washed over me when I realized she's not coming.

I was really annoyed that my mother knew and didn't say anything. Well I guess she didn't think there was anything to say.

Just saying this vacuum charging has a really loud buzzing white noise. it's there and i wonder if it bothers me, actually i think it does. why is it so annoying.

It's really really annoying to talk about her. I'm like: what's there to talk about, and the therapist replied with, well there's plenty to talk about.

That's so ironically funny , and i don't even know why.

1June 2023, Journal

 My brain is riling from all the things that I want to do in mind. They are scattered here and there and I try to keep up with them. Oh right, I was suppose to call imh regarding medifund, I got lost doing this and that and this and then forgot about it.

My thoughts raced from doing a to do list for work, then for things to do at home, to the invoice that I should have issued 2 days ago, and it's still not done until now. I took my personal files of receipts and mc from the cupboard and then now I seem to forgot what I wanted to do with them. I think I wanted to file it with my imh receipt and other personal receipts and bring them home so that it will be kept private. Right.

In the midst of all that, I top up the papers for the printer, boiled water for office and tidy up the scattered boxes and papers on the office desk. Enough about all this.

Of course I wanted to write about my last session. I waited 15mins for my turn. I was slightly early and Dr Geoffrey was slightly late. That 10 mins of waiting, makes me anxious, and I was angry when I finally walked into the therapy room.

I was flustered but tried not to show it, there was a hint of feeling extremely unhappy and a bit angry because we felt like we were not important to him. Not me. Anger. okay, it was her.

Of course I don't want to talk about That to my therapist. Imagined feeling so petty just because we waited for 10mins. God, so childish and embarrassing, and Dr Geoffrey wonders why we don't like Anger. I know this anger doesn't make sense in that moment, so I don't react or act on it. That makes sense to me.

Anger had a lot of fun last session, because Dr Geoffrey kept validating the Anger. Which kind of makes me want to roll my eyes during mid session. That glee and impression of "told you so" wouldn't leave my mind.

He kept asking about Mae, and it's so annoying. I constantly kept feeling like floating away, but I tried so hard not to. That feeling to just tap out felt so easy.

We shouldn't talk about him, or her. some things cant even be written here.

some things should be buried, no matter what Dr Geoffey says.

Now I feel bad, because he spent such a long time, talking about he who should not be name or the monsters under the bed.

And the first instinctive reaction is still about keeping them buried. He must feel disappointed.

Anger feels torn because she doesn't want to make him feel disappointed, but she also can't talk about the terror. Finally something that we agree on! not ever talking about it!

I have no qualms about the therapist feelings, I'm sure he is professional and patient enough.

I think I realized what dr geoffrey was talking about when he said a neighbors, I said a family member! what an idiot.

But because of what he said, Now I remember other things, and I'm so sick of it!