Journal, 22 December 2023

 Despite my high blood pressure. I am really quite happy with my adhd meds. At least I don't find the boredom excruciating painful now, like I could just do the SOP without too much pain involve or finding it so extremely boring and pointless.

I use to really drag and hate the sop because it seem so useless. Surprisingly, I simply just did what I needed to do, gave it a lot of thought and did it step by step even asking my colleagues for some opinions.

It's not like I feel some kind of super power or anything, but it's just not as hard to accomplish some task, not as dreadful or difficult. hmm.

Now if only this meds can actually help me to wake up in the morning. Maybe I will start trying the method. 

Last night, we had a realization. Actually our dad had already left us. He is no longer himself.

He throws tantrum sometimes, and on occasion he is just downright rude and horrible and give attitude problem when we don't let him do what he wants to do.

telling all the details, is also just pointless and tiring. we noticed that it's the 22nd now. We have not given our stuff away or think about what to do with our parrots.

and dr geonffrey doesnt care because he didn't even bother to call or let us know about the possiblity of zoom meeting which was what he mentioned previously.

if he had really cared, maybe he would have remember how hard it was for me last christmas.

I had already bought all the christmas present for everyone. but now i cant give them anymore. why should i give it to my sister. why is it okay to ignore how she had treated me last time.

why is it my fault for everything? why? i feel like this is a trauma respond.

SELF-DESTRUCT

 I was still quite upset just now. Thoughts of what happen recently with my sis, her hilarious way of calculations upsets me and makes us mad.

When we are mad, we cut ourselves. We haven't cut ourselves for awhile.

Dr Geoffrey would ask why do I cut myself when I'm mad.

Even if he doesn't ask, I still question myself. Why do we hurt ourselves when we are mad.

I spend a while thinking, I'm not sure if I was thinking cause I mimick the look of someone deep in thought and stare blank but I'm not sure what is going on in my brain.

Like, maybe after thinking I'm still not sure why. The therapist asked, if it was to gain back self control and I'm not too sure about that.

I know that It's always related to anger going crazy and feeling a lot of madness and anger and so we hurt ourself. Mainly to stop feeling that rage and pain, it calms us down.

Anger thinks I deserved it. Anger mocks at me, because we should have died. instead I was not dead.

since the 2 therapist is too busy to have any session with us, we felt like we had been abandoned, again. Always. We are often forgotten, dismissed, unimportant. like it would not matter if we are dead or not dead. which was something I felt so tempted to say to the sister, but I held myself back. Because of Fear and maybe other things. but still, i think i said a lot more then i usually would.

We were reminded of how much we should stay angry at her, and that we should hate her. Nothing had changed.

Nothing changed. I felt better for a little while, but then it's gone. Everything resets, and we are back at the same spot.

Always a fool. I think I really hate myself for believing for half a second that she was anything.

My adhd meds kicked in, i felt drowsy and a little more calm, but the fog has been lifted off my brain! It's so nice to feel that wow, once the meds take effect, it's like my eyes are properly open and I dont feel so much dead weight or being bored until i keep rolling my eyes and my eyes permanently stays up and so im bored to death. Now it's so much better.

I still cant stop thinking that I am just better off dead. Maybe it's really just the truth and that truth is too hard for mr nice guy to accept.

I thought about methods of killing myself. injecting a air bubble into my vein, or hanging myself but then seems like it would take too long, or just falling to death. I find it rather amusing that I am concern for the people who would need to clean up my body. like if i try to kill myself by cutting and bleeding to death imagine how much blood that would be.

I also worry about my poor poor parrots. imagine the abuse they would suffer if they are left at the house. 

At first I was quite upset and annoyed with Dr Geoffrey because he cancelled and can't even be bothered to call me to inform me that he will be gone for the WHOLE of December. Which = to he cares very little about me.

And so I thought, well I would do just fine without any therapy session. Then my mom starts getting on my nerve, and my dad also decided to on occasional just tell me off for random stuff or saying hurtful things to me which upsets me. and my sister decided to show up after her japan holiday casually, like everything is fucking perfectly fine and start judging me and making assumptions about everything.

like excuse me. does she even know anything AT ALL. why is it that jsut because i can afford things MEANS that she can casually go back on her words. 

WHY DO I NEED TO FEEL GUILTY FOR SPENDING MY OWN MONEY. I ALREADY FEEL BAD ENOUGH WITHOUT YOU FUCKING SHITHEADS BUTTING YOUR HEAD INTO MY LIFE.

OPS my bad. I let anger got a little carried away.

I thought that I would give my self 1 year of therapy and if nothing works then I can still kill myself right? but did i feel better somewhere through the past year of therapy?

should I just try to die on Christmas? I need to give some stuff away, and think about what to do with my pets.  

hyper focus

 I haven't fully understood what is going on. Ever since the day our father came home. The reality hit us quite badly when we saw how bad his condition was.

We almost laughed, and I tried very hard not to. As if the whole situation was hilarious.

It reminded me of when George died. and his friends were laughing at his funeral.

Everything is fine, we do what we need to do. make calls, check on him, pack his medication, check this check that, discharge him. Requested for glucose tester. nurse spent an hour long, teaching me about balancing his sugar level. check for grants, apply for helper, look for agency. etc etc. everyday it's all about him. The sister is less involved now.

Every now and then we break down and cry, when no one is looking. After that, everything is fine again.

We felt a sense of panicked on the way to ttsh again, just not long after his discharge. We have never sat at the front sit of the ambulance before.

Our thoughts raced as we were sitting in the ambulance car.countless voices repeated, he's going to die, he's going to die soon, he's really going to die soon. We kept tearing as if he was dead. There was a sense of helplessness thinking that now we are really alone, when he dies only the monsters remain in our life. and we thought we should just disappear too, when he's gone.

I know I wanted needed my weekly therapy. Sometime it doesn't feel real. I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is real. I couldn't sleep on Tuesday night. I was pretty sure I didn't sleep walk. but i still did wake up and I was standing. Which freaks me out a bit. Pretty sure I was trying to take something, and I just fell asleep maybe?

I felt torn, like some part of me just didn't want me to go.

Nowadays, I selfishly thought that maybe it's okay to die now. There's a helper for my dad now anyway. but I also know that, those thoughts are pretty weak.

MAGICAL PLACE 2

 The rain patter steadily, on top of the tin roof.

The thunder rolls, low on the clouds. Slow but suddenly gone

The cosy cafe warms our toes. A pleasant need that filled our soul.

The steady flow of people's chatter, grows on our cold woes.

They shake and salt the food, stir and cling the cups.

Our heart warms within this hut.

a familiar urge need to play this part.

18 September, 2023

 I wanted to quit, but I overspent again.

We impulsively spoil ourselves because we were upset that we didn't get our house.

we sat here all day, making sense of this town. The office is so silent, the colleagues utter no sound.

I stare out the window and scroll through the pages.

My eyes were so drowsy, my breathing becomes heavy.

Blink once and blink twice, we so nearly dozed off.

14 September, Journal

 We felt really tired. 

Hearing her voice. Having her in my dream.The feeling that still looms over me. The feeling like she is still towering over us in a threatening way.

There's no escape. There is no need to escape. But we need to.

We hear her voice, we listen to the mother. How fun, how exhausting. We got moody, our patience runs low.

I got angry and miserable. Calling us crazy and sick, again. So the anger rose and I kept quiet, only I didn't this time, because.

Nothing makes sense. We slam our door and tear as we think about killing ourselves. Hearing her shouting snide remarks, makes us more angry. The intense pressure to walk out of our house, walk to a block, press for the lift and fall to death.

The image kept replaying over and over. Falling to death.

We took the penknife and cut. Gaining some sense. of relief. or control. Not too deep, but enough to bleed, just a little bit. 

We went out to buy fruits, I bought a fruit that she loves. Anger was mad beyond reasons, hating me.

I pitifully, try to not to do harm anymore, everyone except myself.

Lawrence couldn't make it for a session this week. We got miserable again. We wanted support, but there is no one. I pushed him away, and the social worker away.

We got depressed and slept through the day. Feeling dumb when I finally woke up at night. Nothing interest us, we eat so that we don't upset her further.

Anger wants to hurl us down from the 20th floor. So I cut a little again.

We felt really sad, and wished for many things.

TICKLE TORTURE

 I LAUGHED LOUDLY, THEN I SCREAMED IN MY MIND FOR HER TO STOP.

I cry, in silence as I bubbled up with mirth.

A lady dressed in a long gown, slides her way down the stairs, to the library.

She mindlessly brushed her hand over the books, and deeply smell the rooted earth around her nose.

The huge window panes are drowning with the heavy rain outside. A dark tones of piano melodies plays through her ears, setting just the right dream.

She sits quietly on the ground both arms holding herself, slowly the memories slips in as she spins into madness.

T

 

Can a therapist ever become unprofessional and make things personal when speaking to clients about their lives?

I’ve learned that what clients want from me is a real, genuine human being, who shows up for them, fights for them, gives a s*** about them. And, naturally, who has a useful skill set and knows what they’re doing. Not someone who hides behind a professional wall of detachment as I did when I entered the profession. People see right through it, and when they are drowning in pain, they need a life preserver, not a rule book

SILENCE

We felt someone's kiss, forcefully on our lips

We felt someone's touch, but they were not pleasant

We were trapped between legs, and 2 hands hold our head

We couldn't run, we couldn't hide

This time we were held tight.

Our hearts pounded with fear, loudly in our ears

No one hears our scream

No one brushed our tears

Only hands over our mouth, telling us to stay still.

The clocks tick slower, like everything is not real

We felt like we were falling, falling we kept falling

A Devil laugh

A wicked smile

She whispered to the child

"Do you like it when I do this"

"You felt it, didn't you?"

It felt like she won, and we lost

I left, and abandon us.

We felt a lot of agony, and Anger felt torn

We want to skip and hop through these fog

How could the solution be wrong

We hang a rope, we tried to drown

and even slit our wrist.

But still we didn't die. and Anger frown at me

Our sister looms over us and makes us cry. All the time.

A pending doom  fills the whole room.

Like a shot deer slowing down until the hunters cheer

Is it really wrong to die.

Why couldn’t we leave, why shouldn't we leave?

What is this precarious belief.

How silly could you be?

DUST

 There are many of us, like the many leafs on the tree

They could see the outside, and the sky

The birds that fly free.

We are simply dust swirling around in circles

trap in a glass, unable to break free.

We could see the outside, people living life, so wonderfully happy

we got knocked around a lot, and sometimes dropped, and we rolled into an old creek

Nobody sees us, as we got abandoned, because we were simply dust.

What would I give, if I could live outside of this bottle.

Even for just a moment, before we cease to exist.

Can we ever break free, or will we live on with this precarious belief.

Dust are not precious. How silly can you be.

6 July, 2023

 Yay, finally had a good night rest, even though there's some mishap in the middle of the night.

It's so damn annoying to be flooding when I'm sleeping.

Even though ytd we kinda rewind back, abit, as what dr geoffrey said. It still felt pretty alright to just go for therapy and remind myself that I didn't want to die?

Last week we sank to the bottom of nothing again. Dr geoffrey, does what he does, being warm and caring and being encouraging.

In the middle of it, we really just want to scream at him to stop. his warm and caring attitude towards us feels very unsettling.

Like we are so unsure about it, or what to do with it.

I guess it is good for us, because, well we woke up today feeling a little bit better then last week. Which feels pretty good, because we were able to focus on work and it always feels good to be productive.

I felt quite offended that he would think of us in such a way. Like we would intentionally make our sister think that we killed our selves because of her. of course that was not the intention, but i could understand why it seems that way.

For Anger, she doesn't care. What about when She was violent towards us? numerous time, all the time. Like we are nothing, like dust. Why does dr geoffrey think for her, and not for us? if we died, it would be murder, by them. Anger has a funny idea, to write a note saying she was murdered by her family.

I of course, don't agree with her childish thought. The last thing I would ever want, is to say anything or write any note for anyone in my family. because, there is simply no words for them. everything has always been my fault, i have always been the failure. They would probably even blame me for being selfish to kill myself. Especially my sister, no sadness, no remorse, just anger and blame that i am so selfish to kill myself and hurt our mother. our mother who also abuse us, yet she conveniently forgot about all of it.

sure, its great that she could get out of it it and have her own happy family. she left and we suffered alone, and yet she comes back and criticize us, like having 1 mother to abuse us is not enough.

I think the saddest part, was that we conveniently forgot what she did to us, we still admire her and wanted her. Only to always come to realize that we didn't matter to her at all. 

I think Anger is so emotional and angry because she thinks that I am the one who is still hurting us, in that case better for me to just die. It's like being alive in the family for 1 more day is so un tolerable for all of us.

But we are in therapy now, so we are suppose to heal. Dr geoffrey needs us to know how much we are hurt, and to understand it. But i honestly don't know much about it, like I have left the pain and anger to someone else, and i dont really know what it means.

3 July 2023, Journal

 Feel like there's nothing to talk about. feels like everything is exhausting. Can't even get 3 days break from home. work is also killing me.

The idea of killing myself keeps coming back to us. Sometimes we feel like, maybe we should really do it. or wonder why are we still trying. We imagined our selves falling to death numerous times.

Maybe it's Dr Geoffrey's fault. Maybe not. Doesn't really matter. What actually matters though?

Nothing.

The thing that disturb me most is the killing. The dharma belief that all lives are precious, and human life's are valuable, because it's not easy to be born in the human life.

It is a chance, an opportunity to practice and learn dharma. I just really don't know if it's okay to take my own life.

Even if I'm not practicing anymore, it's still hard to go against my beliefs.

What is play time?

What is shame?

A broken toy?

A broken child?

Is she a thing?

Is she tame?

Is she something that can be claimed?

An unchanging stone, a gun with blanks

A chilling cold that eats the bone. a raging storm beneath the sea

A tuneless melody plays through the trees.

A silent scream of pain and shame

A broken anger left untame,

Kept in a box to keep her safe.

Maybe one day all this will end, 

with only the remains of her bloodstains.

We couldn't catch our breath,

under the feather pillow

We tried to laugh, as we play 

Ignoring the panics of breathless gasp.

Then we became frozen

our little minds screamed

Then we became frozen

our little minds stays blank

Then we remain frozen

so that we couldn't understand

because we didn't understand

so that we didn't understand.

 

Anger storms and screams

Yet she can't be free

the cycle of sun rise and sun set

The beauty and the ugly.

 one slit, two slits, 3 slits

one slash and a spill

How deep, is too deep?

NIGHTMARE 2

I remembered most of my dream barely. When they are random and things that I picked up from when I was awake, I forget about them quickly, since they bare no significant meaning.

Then there are nightmares that are so vivid and terrifying that makes it hard to forget them.

It actually makes no sense to suddenly dream of x. I haven't thought about him for the last 2 months ( I think).

I was having anxiety with a date, I fall asleep and had a nightmare. so vivid.

I dreamt that x propose, and then betrayed me 1 week later, married to someone else. He wouldn't talk to me, or give me an explanation.  I called him and refused to talk to me,  was put on the line with his friend and his then wife.

I couldn't believe it.  I had so much pain and disbelief. I tried so hard to text him. I couldn't type properly. My fingers hurt, my hands shake. I kept trying and trying to type a message.

I woke up feeling bizarre.

Maybe the date later gave me a lot of anxiety.

 https://youtube.com/shorts/lqSavjw_zqI?feature=share

NO PLAYING ALLOWED

I feel constantly annoyed, and I had to keep brushing that feeling off. It's weird. Anger is afraid to disappear, she doesn't want to disappear. Is he trying to erase her?

Whatever that I am feeling? try to shift it? what do you mean? That's anger, why is he disregarding her, or trying to make her go away. She's not a bad person. (well except for the occasional time when we try to kill ourselves)

It's not her fault. She shouldn't disappear.

6/6 2023, Journal

 Just saying, would have been great if my mom had told me that the sister had cancelled. Really would have saved us a lot of anxiety and panicked on saturday night.

I knew I would be lazy to get out of the house if the sister visits on sunday, it would be especially harder to do that if I  slept only in the morning. As the time keeps ticking down, the Anger inside me kept panicking at me. As if screaming at me to make sure that I get out of the house.

Because if I stayed, I don't know how to deal with the sister. And I would probably pretend that everything is okay, and that would make Anger very emotional and upset, and I really don't know how to deal with it afterwards. Anger keeps thinking and thinking about how she treated us and kept getting angry every time she does that.

So there was a lot of anxiety and panicked. and I grab on ice cubes like what dr geoffrey suggested.

I did it twice. The first time I did it, I was surprised that grabbing on ice cubes was actually painful. So it helped to reset my system. I switched the ice cubes between both hands, and them rub my icy cold hands on my face. That was helpful.

The anxiety comes back and becomes worse everytime we look at the clock. I couldn't focus. So I grabbed at ice cubes again. I just held onto to it, thinking that it was less painful, we held it on one hand until it melted into nothing.

I went back to the drama show and painting.

Next day, I woke up after noon. I open my room door with a lot of anxiety, I could not describe the huge relief that washed over me when I realized she's not coming.

I was really annoyed that my mother knew and didn't say anything. Well I guess she didn't think there was anything to say.

Just saying this vacuum charging has a really loud buzzing white noise. it's there and i wonder if it bothers me, actually i think it does. why is it so annoying.

It's really really annoying to talk about her. I'm like: what's there to talk about, and the therapist replied with, well there's plenty to talk about.

That's so ironically funny , and i don't even know why.

1June 2023, Journal

 My brain is riling from all the things that I want to do in mind. They are scattered here and there and I try to keep up with them. Oh right, I was suppose to call imh regarding medifund, I got lost doing this and that and this and then forgot about it.

My thoughts raced from doing a to do list for work, then for things to do at home, to the invoice that I should have issued 2 days ago, and it's still not done until now. I took my personal files of receipts and mc from the cupboard and then now I seem to forgot what I wanted to do with them. I think I wanted to file it with my imh receipt and other personal receipts and bring them home so that it will be kept private. Right.

In the midst of all that, I top up the papers for the printer, boiled water for office and tidy up the scattered boxes and papers on the office desk. Enough about all this.

Of course I wanted to write about my last session. I waited 15mins for my turn. I was slightly early and Dr Geoffrey was slightly late. That 10 mins of waiting, makes me anxious, and I was angry when I finally walked into the therapy room.

I was flustered but tried not to show it, there was a hint of feeling extremely unhappy and a bit angry because we felt like we were not important to him. Not me. Anger. okay, it was her.

Of course I don't want to talk about That to my therapist. Imagined feeling so petty just because we waited for 10mins. God, so childish and embarrassing, and Dr Geoffrey wonders why we don't like Anger. I know this anger doesn't make sense in that moment, so I don't react or act on it. That makes sense to me.

Anger had a lot of fun last session, because Dr Geoffrey kept validating the Anger. Which kind of makes me want to roll my eyes during mid session. That glee and impression of "told you so" wouldn't leave my mind.

He kept asking about Mae, and it's so annoying. I constantly kept feeling like floating away, but I tried so hard not to. That feeling to just tap out felt so easy.

We shouldn't talk about him, or her. some things cant even be written here.

some things should be buried, no matter what Dr Geoffey says.

Now I feel bad, because he spent such a long time, talking about he who should not be name or the monsters under the bed.

And the first instinctive reaction is still about keeping them buried. He must feel disappointed.

Anger feels torn because she doesn't want to make him feel disappointed, but she also can't talk about the terror. Finally something that we agree on! not ever talking about it!

I have no qualms about the therapist feelings, I'm sure he is professional and patient enough.

I think I realized what dr geoffrey was talking about when he said a neighbors, I said a family member! what an idiot.

But because of what he said, Now I remember other things, and I'm so sick of it!

30 May 2023, Journal

 I only have $10 left in my bank, Luckily, finally, no delays in salary.

It's still not so bad, because I saved a little extra last month, even though I did bought some stuff.

I think medical bills will definitely be higher since my Medi save has run out, it makes no senses that the rest of my Medi save is not available to use even if there is a huge chunk of it. -insert eye roll-

Last session was interesting. Dr Geoffrey kept asking me what is causing my low moods. Maybe I should have asked him, what is there worth to be alive for. ok ok, depression talking maybe.

I seriously find it so hard to answer his questions, like WHAT exactly is causing my suicide ideations and low moods exactly? I could only come up with my existence.  

We previously thought that, it's not that we can't recover. Rather we just don't want to anymore. Like we just have had enough of "life".

Maybe it seems that everything is just a cycle, and that even if we had recover, nothing would have change. Probably.

So if meds are not working, then what is wrong exactly? Michael had said so frequently that I probably shouldn't even be on meds.

I think maybe I know what's wrong. It feels like logically I know what is going on and I think I understand and accepted what is.

The problem is the other parts that I kept buried, because they are too emotional. Dr Geoffrey often say therapy is for them, which kinda makes me wana roll my eyes at him.

I don't know what to do with them or how to express them! It's like ever since they surfaced, I just can't bury them anymore, like I don't know how to go back to last time when I could deal with stuff at home. 

Maybe we could, but we just don't see the point.

NEVER NEVER NEVER

 It was really more pain and grief then anger. Anger was still part of it, but the pain was so much that it felt blinding. The nature of my cries are silent. So quiet yet raging in my mind.

The thought of killing myself kept dancing in my mind. The pain lasted for a long time, even after I disconnected myself, hours later the pain comes back and eats at me.

Anger was blind so we cut, but I still have more control now. So we didn't bleed.

Anger was right, so I listened this time. and because Anger feels attached to therapy, there wasn't an insane need to walk out to kill ourselves.

The thought just kept dancing around in our mind.

We don't deserve to live, we are nothing. We don't matter. Anger keeps chanting, but yet also still wishing for therapy soon. so that someone will comfort her.

Anger doesn't wish to understand, but I know better. Therapy will also come to an end eventually. Maybe by then, we would have learn something or have something else.

In order for  Anger to be gone, I need to die. In order for me to be gone, I need to die. Maybe the solution IS for me to die.

The sister is a joke and we hate her so much. We don't want to hide that fact anymore. I just can't do it. It hurts so much to let someone we care about hurt us REPEATEDLY. WE SHOULD NOT HAVE ALLOW IT.

NEVER.NEVER.NEVER.

HIDDING IN THE CLOSET

 Suddenly, the image of the inside of a closet wouldn't leave my mind. Like my brain suddenly finds it entertaining to keep showing me part memory of it. 

What the inside look like, how I was curled up inside it. Hiding. Then we were lock inside.

Were we? Locked inside? How?

So anxious. This feeling of anxiety creeps into me. 

I would very much like to stop seeing it. stop showing me images of my past memories!

18 May 2023

We slept like a baby last night, which was quite a surprise. I dozed off, my painting half finished. I half expected myself to have just took a short nap and still wake up after 1-2 hours. I was surprise when I woke up and saw that it was 2.30am.

I was half awake, dimly aware that I need to take my meds before falling back asleep, or half wondered if I should get up. In the midst of my thoughts, I soon lost conscious and fell back asleep.

I woke up earlier then usual, thinking about the random dreams, and the awareness of being half awake again around 5 am.

It felt pretty good to finally catch up on my sleep. A bad interaction and breakfast with my dad ruined our precious good morning.

The ruminating of hate, anger and sadness stayed with us for awhile. Seemly deciding that not being present is better, we blankly waited for the bus and made our way to work.

We thought a lot about our session, and felt really uncertain about expressing half of how we felt.

The seemly difficult child that hated Dr Geoffrey and sessions seems quieter now, after a huge cry and tantrum on Monday. Now she realized she doesn't hate it, and seem attached to him. Like a father figure. Someone who should have treated us with care and love us.

The pain of feeling abandon and rejected again scream in our heads for awhile. It didn't matter to her what the logical part of me said. That emotional child does not listen to me. Maybe she doesn't listen to me, because I don't listen to her most of the time anyway.

Aside from feeling like a failure at work, I also recently remembered about hanging myself. I really wished to know what the hell was a young kid trying to do, hanging herself on a cupboard. which is pretty hilarious if you ask me. Was she just doing it out of curiosity?

I couldn't say too much, but there was the impression of feeling suffocated when I hang myself, and I struggled to pulled that thing around my neck away. There was a struggle, and my neck really hurt. I thought I almost died. An accidental death would be great, or maybe not.

The huge thing that really bothers me is the huge chunk of missing memories from primary school. Like is that normal? I had remember even when I was a child, like why didn't I remember a lot of things. so much doesn't make sense.

The hanging thing could very well just be a fake memory. No reason to trust that it's real. Dr Geoffrey again asked, how the context of me hanging or drowning came up. 

It felt very awkward to say that maybe I had "casually" tried drowning myself before. So I didn't say anything.

He seem to think we have a lot of secrets. and I keep trying to minimize everything, so that I am not dramatic, attention seeking or whatever. Why do I keep doing that? To try and seem normal, like I'm not crazy or needy. Is that resistance or avoidance? I think for therapy to work, I should say more about things that I don't want to say.

Sometimes I want to say that I am just over telling stories, but the truth is they did actually happened. No matter how much I want to wish it away, they won't disappear. 

Since the hanging didn't make sense, it's probably safe to say maybe it's a fake memory. No evidence or proof to show if that actually happened. Fake memory.

It's not funny if someone's kid tried to hang themself. Yet I used the word hilarious to describe myself.

I guess there is very little compassion for myself.

My limited source of energy has run out and I can't focus on my work anymore, BIG SIGH.

PLAYTIME

 It was pitched dark for a long time.

We tried to knock, but we stumbled about.

We were crouched, squeezed in like a tiny ball.

Tiny bits of fear started pounding into our hearts.

We couldn’t see.

We try calling out loudly, but no one hears us.

That didn’t felt right, then we tried to push through the doors.

We cry out in terror when we realize that it’s lock.

A glimpse of air and light, and we screamed out to her in fright.

We feel an icy chill, as she laughs with all her might.

Suffocated and struggling, under a cotton pillow.

Strangled, against a wall, our tears starts to roll.

Detest and fear, too much for a young child.

so, she pretends and smile, like it's just a game.

just a game, just a game, all these memories are not real.

big fucking nothing

 My brain really hurts. Like my soul and mind is in excruciating pain. Because of work. The dumb things to do and not do makes me wana go crazy and I feel the slightest of anxiety over literally nothing?

I am so frustrated over the nothingness' going on in my LIFE. Big huge empty nothingness. Even the emptiness of work makes me feel so bad that it doesn't make sense.

The logic of what we should have, professionalism and some work standards. it's just a BIG FAT ZERO.

I don't know why I can't deal with that. Maybe knowing that I am moving backwards just hurts my soul.

I really feel like quitting, and that's just what I do all the time. Every job, there's a expiration date. I get help and hoped that things get better. It isn't getting better.

Some part wishes for us to be just dead, but nope.

SOP. PLEASE. That's like literally the one thing that I CANT STAND.  and i have to redo it, why? because I actually uses it? NO.

What IS the point of SOP when NOTHING goes according to it??????? why then. please tell me why i need to waste my limited brain cells on things that i dont use or dont care. it's so fucking tiring.

YES, and I still smile and say SURE, as if I am excited about doing a goddam useless sop document.

TAPPING ON A RAINBOW CLOUD

Humans are replicates of each other, replicates of emotions, and sensation. Constantly seeking desires and power. 

A little bit of good, here and there. We connect with people, and some of them touch us with gentleness and love.

Mostly, unlucky people, only know of pain and betrayal. The people in their life makes them see this world differently, through the eyes of someone who wished they don't belong in this world anymore.

The beauty of this world and universe, is so much more, then the pettiness and ugliness of human.

We switch between ourselves, someone confident and friendly, someone cheerful with a bit of childishness, or someone loving and understanding to people who don't even care that much for us.

Sometimes, we only wish to be done here, and wish to be somewhere else. Running through forest, floating through cities. Just being an observer, with no attachments to anything. 

To feel bliss, that this earth gives.

So simple, and simple.

17 April 2023, Journal

I really wonder how I slept through the alarms that are blaring loudly, from my pc and mobile. My mom was awake, at the kitchen, but she didn't give enough fks, to wake me up.

I felt really annoyed, firstly of course I have no one to blame but myself, for sleeping at 5am, secondly, it doesn't take THAT much to knock on my door to wake me up, isn't it.

The alarms clearly was heard even from the kitchen, but she didn't give a shit.

I didn't even pee, just a quick brush and washing and tried to stuff down a piece of bread. The grab was here. I don't know if I was late, because I left my phone at home, and the car drove off just when I realized it.

I rolled my eyes, I left the house with the lingering feeling that I might have forgotten my phone, but I bet with myself that I had already put it in my bag earlier, well I lost.

Work is absolutely boring, which is why I am writing now, I am taking the same salary as my last job, but it's so backwards here, and the little amount of work to do just blows my mind.

I didn't have time to put on something decent on my face. The make up bag was left at home too.

At least, I made it to work, even though not in very good condition and I was very late.  I still made it though.

Funny thing, just found my hp in my bag even though I thought I didn't see it. row row row the boat.

Anger is just Anger, a lot of this and that, emotions that we dislike. Sometimes I get so frustrated with all this, and that makes me think that Anger is not so wrong after all.

16 April 2023, Journal

 I had a lot of dark thoughts last night. Needless to say, that left me awake and I only slept around 5 am I think.

I'm so groggy today. I slept away my afternoon, feeling like I wasted a day away. I'm still stuck on the same rectangle box of my diamond painting for 2-3 days already.It feels like I couldn't get anything done.

I cut my hair, and I'm afraid there's a little bit of a mishap there. It's too short, and it feels so awkward, like a big chunk is missing.

I felt a little bit triggered, maybe due to some old songs that was playing when I was doing my hair. My hands and body started freezing. I felt dizzy, my eyes were closed, I opened my eyes so that I can re focus on the mirror in front of me. It felt like I couldn't breath, my arms and hands feels numb and then the dumb memories tries to force their way into my mind.

I close my eyes again and take deep breaths, I thought about how funny it is, that this block is where I was planning to jump from. I imagined the details of me falling from such a high height, thinking that my body would probably splattered into pieces. Maybe it doesn't have to be from 20th floor.

I calm down and started scrolling through reels and tic toks, I laughed sincerely, letting myself focus on the funny video. I felt better and focused on my hair.

This unsettled feeling looms over me, for a few days already, I went through the emotions I felt, and feel quite pathetic about it.

Dr Geoffrey, will probably say if it's true, how I am feeling, then it is how I feel. be true to my emotions.

How though? I don't want to express them because I recognized them for what they are. So, I didn't want to express them.I think he suggested to me to be more authentic in how I feel and to talk about it. 

It's feels like a struggle because, I don't feel that some of the thoughts and emotions are mine and I dislike them. It makes me feel pathetic and childish.

My brain feels dead.

I dreamt that I found my obsidian bracelet. I was so happy when I found it.

All the accessories that I bought, remain in the box. I should probably start working on it, and start working on Phoenix's toys too, but I haven't finished this canvas. I was supposed to finished it by today. 

I wondered why I couldn't finish it. Maybe it's suppose to be incomplete.

I dreamt of rp again. There's always pain associated with her. I almost forgot this dream. I hope she is well and happy. We used to say that we will always remain as good friends forever, until we grow old.

Even though we lost each other, I hope she is doing better now.

I missed Ivy, I worry about her and constantly thought to call or text her. I didn't, because I was afraid of what she might ask me. I don't want to bother her with what I'm going through now.

I felt regret for telling her that I have been feeling unwell. I was suppose to be her cheerful and encouraging friend. I loved it when she said that she felt so much better after meeting me, and that I was making her feel more positive. The irony..

10 April 2023, Journal

 My journal keeps getting hijacked these days. I start with the usual date and wrote a normal entry, but it became something else.

No more hijacking allowed. -roll eyes-

I constantly think to myself, I over react, I'm maybe just too sensitive, too dramatic, and over exaggerate stories. 

Then I think a lot about the details of killing myself, or the idea of cutting myself dance around my mind and wonder why I can't validate my feelings.

I was a little taken aback, when the doctor suggested that I felt wrong to feel what I feel because that's what has always been taught to me. Which actually makes senses, and it has never cross my mind.

Like, Oh.

The doctor only said that he was not available for 1 session during April. Why is there no booking for the rest of April? That's 3 weeks.

Somewhere in my mind wanted to scream about this abandonment. I KNOW THAT IT'S NOT.

He wants me to acknowledge this childish feelings and thoughts, that are not mine. Why should I take ownership of something that I don't agree with even though the feelings and thoughts of it was pushed to me? I don't agree with it, why should I take ownership of it?

This is the part that really annoys me. Which is why I feel the need to not let anyone know about it.

I can acknowledge this stupid feeling of abandonment,  I know where it stems from, so I won't act or express this childish thought. it's not MY thoughts or feelings, WHY should I take ownership of it. This is the part that annoys me the most.

Imagine I express the anger on Anger's behalf, and the doctor goes like, well that's you right?

My mind got a little splattered into pieces in reaction to that, and I felt that I had no choice and said yes, hesitantly so that I won't seem crazy. 

I think I am a little crazy. - insert eye roll -

Now Michael words comes back again saying, well I haven't acknowledge it, that's why I am still feeling this way.

Jesus, can someone just tell me what I should do with all this annoying random thoughts and emotions.

Screaming in silence in office. 🤣

MONSTERS AND CANVAS

 I enjoyed my 2 days leave. I spent most of it, doing diamond painting and listening to random music. 

I first bought the dream catcher canvas, because it's suppose to take away the nightmares. The whisper of my last nightmare, still lingers and creeps me out sometimes.

I love the 2nd canvas, it really feels like that's just me, staring far with the moon high and holding phoenix in my hands. The art of slowing putting them together and watching the pieces shine and glitter, felt very satisfying.

The night slowly creeps in, and I felt like I am slowly losing myself. The other parts became more real, I stare at my hands, and hoped that I could keep it together.

The emotional anger takes over and I slowly starts to drown. 

The canvas remains incomplete, half glitter and half dull.

The anger reminded us, of why we shouldn't try. We don't seem to belong in this world.

Our sister, bully us, forced us, threatened us and caused us physical pain. We cried on the bed, and we couldn't stop crying, no matter how much she comforted us later. Yet we still smile at her, many many years later.

We see her children being loved and cared for, in very gentle ways. Why were we treated so differently?

Our mother is a monster, and that is enough said. Why do we exist in this world?

FUNNY THING

It's really funny that you wonder, why we feel this way now. You do stupid things, and can't decide what we can and cannot watch. Do stupid things that you know will hurt us, do stupid things, like not getting your meds. and NOW you wonder, why are you feeling this way?

You do things for people, when they hurt us. Smile at someone who bullies you. AND you wonder why you feel this way?

How stupid can one be?

31 March 2023, Journal

 Hm. I am a little bit surprise that I didn't write anything during March. I guess I have been a little more busy with work recently, and I did pick up 1 or 2 new things that interests me.

Back to my favourite hobbies of crafting and diy stuff. I mean, I bought a lot of stuff, and don't have a lot of time to do all of them yet. I did start on Diamond painting and that has been absolutely horrifying and satisfying.

I just hope I don't get super obsessed over it like i sometimes does, and over do it. It's a bummer that I can't do it for too long hours because, hunching over the painting to drill in the diamond really caused a lot of discomfort on my neck. -insert eye roll-

Dr Geo mentioned something about level of trust. He thinks that we have been circling, and he often thinks that we talk a lot about non therapeutic staff. but for me, all the things that he think wasn't, doesn't seem that way for me.

I really don't feel that I don't tell them to him because I don't trust him. Sometimes I don't understand my choice of words.

I just sometimes feel that I am literally mute about it. Physically unable to open my mouth to talk about the incident. I did mentioned that I really hated the memory of it. It annoys us that we have to talk about it.

Doesn't he know? Maybe he forgot again. Can't even play a game of tic tac toe with us. He focus more on himself and therapy more then us.

Why did he said that he felt pressured to cross boundary? He just wants to make her feel bad, and now she won't even ask him anymore, because she only think of others, never us.

There are often very conflicting thoughts and emotions, it is easy to express them when I am writing, but yes, it does get somewhat confusing and uncomfortable to read about them later on, and feel like who wrote this? -insert many eye rolls-

Of course I know who wrote it. (actually I don't) well let's pretend we know, so that we don't feel so stupid.

Work is slow today, I guess that's why I am writing now. I think that, I could actually enjoy my weekend now. There isn't this insanity that eats me up during weekend like last time. I would very much like to blame it on setraline. I feel a little bit like my old self.

My old self means, getting by, passive suicide ideation, and not fully happy. I thought I could stop therapy since I am feeling better now and not actively suicidal anymore.

It makes me really uncomfortable to feel that things are better now because, well things with my mom is quite alright now. She is really spending time to make lunch for me to bring to work. Even boil herbal soup for me, well of course I had to give her extra money for that. Honestly, if not me, who else? 

She recently said that the sister doesn't even bother to call her or visit her. I guess she feels sad and hurt that her older daughter don't seem to care about her. we obviously know why.

Given a chance, we would probably do the same. The saddest thing is that, she doesn't even know why. 

What else could we do? I still try, to do things, for her. I think that, she is old, and unwell. I hope that she feels better if I keep trying to do better. This is when the anger part screams at the back of my mind.

Yelling and raging to stop trying to please her. but again, if not us, then who else? Anger has a lot of words to say, but we have more control now. We don't cut ourselves anymore, and don't try to think of ways to die. Even though, I do agree sometimes, but we don't act on them.

I really want her to feel better, she is our mother.

It feels like anger is behind the prison bars, unable to get out. Maybe these anger and rage aren't necessary. We really do feel bad for anger too. 

It's like I need everything to seem okay, so that I don't drown in my own pain again.

I feel bad for Dr Geo, because I'm not sure if I had gotten worse. Let's think in a more positive way. It's progression because we are not actively suicidal anymore right?

AGONY

 Agony is someone that we forgot existed. Agony feels pain that can't be describe, Agony tears silently even when his head is screaming in pain, like it was going to explode.

Agony holds his head painfully, trying to gasp for air. The agony is not knowing why we are feeling so much pain. We really didn't understand.

The head throbs in pain, we are often shamed and made to feel terror. Still we pretend, like it was not her.

No one's mother would do that. Mother were suppose to love their child and take care of them. Treat them gently and lovingly.

Agony knows real pain, and we buried him. So that we can continue to pretend that everything is okay.

Agony is too emotional, who gasp for air and cry uncontrollably. These types of behaviour should be hidden. 

It's not that we want to bury him, we tried to comfort him, but his pain grew and it was too painful for all of us. So we freeze and slowly kept him silent. We really don't know how to help you or comfort you.

We are really sorry.

18 Feb 2023

 I seemed to write lesser now a days. At least not as often as when Michael started me on this journal thing.

It's hard to describe this feeling, of wanting to zone away and just stare into spaces when a particular music syncs with me.

Of course I constantly feel confused, especially Anger's post is somewhat unpleasant to read. It does seems to make sense though, to write as though they are not me.

A discarded memory came back to me, and I really hate it ever since. Still, there is Still nothing that I can do because they are past. It's painful to not know or understand/comprehend the extend of it.

It makes us mad to think that we need to pretend that it doesn't matter, that it was okay. What happened to us wasn't what people would perceived it as. It makes us mad, that we need to pretend that it wasn't.

Maybe we do excergerate. Like the adult me knows the truth, but I'm stuck with feeling confused if what happened was really not okay. We really need someone to tell us that it was not okay, and to acknowledge our pain.

Maybe we feel too much, and it hurts. So we do what we usually do, and pretend that evey thing is okay, nothing bad happened. We over think, and over react, and we are just being sensitive.

MAGICAL PLACE

 Melody likes to daydream, and imagine that she wasn't in this world. She stares into the sky and thinks she sees a flying horse. She looks for magic places to hide and pretend that she is in them. Everything is peaceful and safe in a magical place.

She stares at the tree, that very same tree everyday like it's an old friend. There was just something special about the tree that stood taller then every other trees around it.

Classes and teachers fade away as she stares into the clouds and imagine what they looked like. 

Anything is better than the boring classes and what people perceived as home.

LIFE

 Life is actually not that bad. If only she could stop being such a fucking idiot.

We would love to enjoy live, but she drives us crazy. it makes us mad!

Get away, get out. and stop being so fucking pathetic.

It makes us mad that YOU are hurting us, that YOU are letting people hurt us.

If we are going to be so pathetic, then JUST DIE.

IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE

I don't think we should care anymore, about how people would think of us, especially, we shouldn't care what our therapist thinks of us if we continue writing this way. We should do what feels right for us.

It's just easier, to tap in here, while listening to soft melodies with rain drizzling around us. Everything feels so soft and mellow, like nothing else exists.

It makes us feel melodramatic like we are in a sort of movie that has a sad child playing it.

It rather suits us, because our life has been a series of plays. Here we write our script, of what happened. Like it's not real.

The fragmented memories were thrown away, tiny pieces of them, flung out of our brain. 

We didn't need them.

I, didn't know them.

As pieces of them comes back to me, I want to just run away and flung them away again.

I, didn't want them.

The movie is about a sad story, of a girl who wasn't love. Her mother is sick, her sister is a bully and her father is absent. Her therapist said that she was unlovable. He didn't said that, he asked and so maybe it is.

She grew up without knowing a lot of things and she was never part of this world.

In the end, it's a relief for her to finally go away to somewhere else. Surely anywhere else would be better. At the very least, she had felt what it was like to feel cared for just before she dies. It felt real, her therapist cared for her. 

It really matters to her, to feel real warmth and care from someone.

This time she learned that, maybe it was alright to feel care from someone.

New Kind of Torture

Extreme boredom. Sleepy, and tired. My adhd brain is not working at all... brain fog.

Hey anger has not talked much these days, what's up with you.

Thinking carefully about what to buy for him, we are not really happy with him. EVEN if he is a nice guy and caring, but all this leads to a lot of uncertainty and it could bring more pain for us in the future.

He doesn't understand how all this is just a cycle. We will fail again soon, and the cycle of pain will never end. but it was really nice to have someone cared about us. Like for once, we actually matter.. 

Dreams - In the depths of water and getting shot.

 I was tricked into the pond, he had stuff that was attached to me and that caused the piranhas to swarm and attack me. I panicked and felt the cold teeths sinking into my flesh. My heart wrenched as I realized what he had done to me, he wanted me to die. 

I screamed for help. Miraculously, someone pulled me out and I survived. I ran back home and face him square in the face. I want to see how he could face me, after what he had done.

His hands shook as he held the gun towards me. His coldness and cruelty makes me crawl. He seemed to hesitate, but fired the gun and I panicked. My shoulder was hit. I started to bleed as I fall to the ground, I still did not take my eyes off him. My accusing pained eyes stared at him as I held my bleeding arms. I was sure, that I was not tearing..

I called the police as I continue to stare at him, the police could not comprehend the seriousness of what happened and ask meaningless question and that, was wasting time. I did not want him to get away.

I yelled that I had been shot, someone in the house has a gun, GET HERE FAST. That finally got their attention and they started firing orders to dispatch someone here.

His body shook and finally he seem to have regain some conscious. He covered his face as he sunk to the ground, as if what he had done finally hits him.

12 Jan 2022 Journal

The anger was quite prominent for the last 2 weeks. I have an idea why. I was quite overwhelmed with the emotions so I started cutting myself again.

I was quite disappointed, I haven't harm myself for the whole month of Dec. Maybe with the thought of dying soon on christmas day, just make it seem a relief, and that makes me feel like I don't need to cut myself anymore?

I could tell that Lawrence is really skilled and good at what he does. I guess a specialise trauma therapist is really good for me? He had really helped me deal with Anger a lot, I also felt that he could deal with us when I was dissociating. Well, obviously I don't really remember (roll eyes) but I just had a sense of feeling safe when I was out of it.

Quite a vast difference with Michael. I guess someone who doesn't do trauma therapy often just isn't better equipped to help me.

I've never imagined that Lawrence would be able to helped me so much. Well, I'm really glad that he hasn't bring up that incident since I spaced out last time. I'm really good with that.

He is so opened with Anger, it really helps that we addressed Anger as a 3rd person. After the session though, I can't help wondering is it weird??? to be talking about anger as a 3rd person. I'm pretty sure I don't have d.i.d. Maybe just the other non specific d.d..

We really missed Dr G. there is a kind of pain associated with him, and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's the transference. I really don't mean to, but part of us begins to think of ways to make him uncomfortable. but WHY though? why do we do that? we obviously like him, I guess we are feeling petty and mischievous. will he drop us?

we waited half a year for therapy sessions. why shouldn't we feel anger? Anger is really trying very hard to be heard.  I feel like I just cant ignore her..

SHATTERED PIECES OF THIS AND THAT

 It's just, too weird. First, I found a voice record of myself. No matter how hard I try, I don't have any memory of recording that. What I said, didn't make sense, I tried very hard to trace back to that day, but couldn't really find anything conclusive.

Even though it's a recording made during 2018,but wouldn't we usually have a slight reminder of it, and what surrounds it? I scroll through every recording, and always have a sort of an idea what was the recording for, or what/who was it about or with us.

Just, 0 memory of it, and it bothers me. Well, I guess, what else can I say, I just have a really bad memory.

I mean, I start recalling strange stuff from last time that I didn't bothered or dismissed. Like how people constantly sees me and recognize me from a website when I was a teenager. The point is that, it wasn't just one or two, but really a number of people would see me and talk to me? to the point where my friend asked me if I did actually posted a picture of myself online. WEIRD. I never bothered or dismiss them simply thinking well they got the wrong person, or someone else uploaded my photo???? WEIRD AGAIN.

I could gladly say that this happened less frequent, but there were occasions when people did see me and wave to me, talked to me. but I actually didn't know who they were. I think it happened less then 5 times. I just felt bad for forgetting who they were..  =x

What prompt me to write about this was because of last night... It's creepy, but I guess I somehow woke up, and not sure what I was planning to do or want, but I accidentally trip or hit the end of my metal bed frame. It woke me up? I was in a daze feeling the pain on my feet, I didn't know why I was standing up, or I don't remember what I wanted to do for getting up? I kept trying to recall what was it that I wanted to do, but I don't remember, I'm not sure if I woke up while I was standing? or if I woke up to do something and forgot what was it? I look around in utter confusion. No memory of what I was doing awake or what I wanted to do or how I hit my feet.

It's not like I have ever sleepwalk. I don't feel that I had sleepwalked? It wasn't a lucid dream too. I was awake, just confused, and went back to sleep still feeling confuse and acutely aware of the pain on my feet, wondering if there would be a bruise on it. Maybe it was a dream?????

I keep getting more and more confuse, like I don't know what is wrong with me....

 

9 Jan 2023

 We have been pretty out of it, like we don't know what to do. Or rather I, don't know what to do with this anger, and frustration.

I mean, how exactly are we suppose to do this? We, STILL don't know. What are we missing? Are we not trying hard enough to get better? I just don't know HOW or WHAT we should do.

Just when we feel the slightest bit of hope, our sessions got pulled out. Regardless of how we tried to communicate that we thought therapy sessions would be more helpful to us. but guess what, no one LISTENS to us.

So we got more angry. because we hoped, and then felt disappointed. like we shouldn't even have felt hoped in the first place!

Why the hell do we keep struggling? We feel lost, like we just need someone to TELL us what to do, and Michael goes: you shouldn't been feeling this way if we have acknowledged what is.

WELL what did HE MEAN? does all these years of hate and anger, resentment just DISAPPEAR after acknowledging what happened? shouldn't we need to work it out and learn to change ourselves? why the fuck did he think that we shouldn't be feeling THIS WAY.

So fucking annoyed. The suicidal thoughts keeps coming back, because we feel sick of constantly feeling like this.

Anger taunts and laughs at me. 

01 Jan 2023

 It's a new year. Michael no longer has access to this blog. I don't think he should.

It's been awhile since I wrote. I was suicidal, then feeling better. A little overwhelmed now. I wonder if it's because we missed a session with Dr G last week.

It's really hard. We have a lot of annoyance and resentment for him, because we are not dead as planned.

We briefly wondered if we made a mistake when that women keeps making us miserable. 

Anger slowly creeps back in. Anger wants to scream, at us. Anger wants to be heard. Anger likes Dr G, but also dislike him. Anger is childish, and wants to play a prank on him.

I feel caught in between, like I don't know what to do.