TOLD YOU SO

 We struggled a lot today. The anger slipped in when she tries to barge into our room and started shouting and making sarcastic remarks. The sudden burst of emotions creeped in, the angry frustration.

It was so maddening, we were determined that we don't want to continue this kind of life anymore. That we would rather die than to continue on like this. but we seek help, and now we have to live.

We wanted to scream at her. but we held it in because speaking to her is useless. After trying to force her out of our room, we still had to go to the kitchen and have breakfast with her. It felt so tiring!

It is what it is, but how, why, do we have to go on living like this. How do we regulate this feeling. We couldn't sleep, and we struggle with work, but yet, we still have to struggle with a terrible morning with this women. As we eat our breakfast, everything around us is filled with bitterness and anger because she was angry.

Why do we suffer because of someone else. You thought we were getting better, but we already knew. We told you, that it's hopeless but you stubbornly refuses to die.

Why is she screaming at us! What has she done for us anyway!? what right does she have to scream at us!! just shut up when you have never even done anything for us! 

It's so hard today. we could barely function.

31 Oct 2022 Journal

 We get a little angry when we can't sleep. So the suicidal thoughts comes back and we do some planning. But we won't act on them because I'm trying. We just entertain the idea of it.

We cut 4 lines again, because , well, anger. I guess we will just go to work without sleeping, again.

How, how can we change job when we can barely function like a normal working adult. This is what makes us mad.

Maybe we are too broken to be fixed. We lie on the bed for hours, unable to fall asleep. Our thoughts wouldn't rest. Then the bad memory slips in and we cut ourselves. we go back to bed and still can't sleep.

This is hopeless.

28 Oct 2022 Journal

 I think I was feeling better so I spent more time talking to my mother, which was a mistake. I was also struggling with my food, I didn't have appetite but I was afraid that she would start scolding me if I didn't finish my food, so I force myself to finish them.

I feel quite unwell and nauseous,  like I can't breath properly. I struggled to keep out the memory. My head hurts I couldn't deal with it. so I cut 4 lines. I really don't wish to add more lines to my wrist.

This weekend is going to be fucking great. 

28 Oct 2022 Journal

 Dinner yesterday was quite tiring because my mom wouldn't stop complaining about something that I don't even remember what was it about. I was able to just pretend to nod my head and agree with whatever that she was saying while not really listening and just focusing on my dinner.

It feels like the suicidal part has really calm down a lot. Last time I would start to get agitated and think of going out to kill myself. Which was what happen last month even though I failed.

I'm no longer actively suicidal. I'm not sure what to feel about this. The angry part doesn't start to overwhelm me. She's so mellow now. I wonder how long will this last. If  I have acknowledge all this years of abuse and what I had been missing from my life while growing up, I wonder what's next?

I always feel like there is no constructive plan in our therapy session. I think my counselor did mention it, I probably forgot. 

Last night I noticed that my cuts are healing. I briefly thought of hurting myself again. I played videos and pulled my mind out of it, then went to bed. Every time the memory slips it, I try to pull myself away. It's only hard when I can't stop replaying the memory of it. Only then, I clutch my fist or head in misery. I don't cry, just hate and misery. 

I honestly don't know why I told Michael so much. I wonder if he is experience in trauma therapy. Is what I am experiencing a kind of trauma? I think he is always attentive and listens well. I really appreciate when he was able to recall some details that I told him, even though he did get 1 small detail wrong. but I could tell he really listened and remembered. Which I feel quite grateful. When I noticed that he doesn't seem to take notes, I always wondered if he even remember anything that I told him.

I think I had been wondering if I should mentioned that our mother used to hit us. So eventually I did told him. I was concern with my self harm because I felt that it was getting out of hand, I just shouldn't have mentioned what caused it. Maybe I did wanted to tell him at some point so that we can heal. I just didn't expect to suddenly say it last session. Actually I'm not sure if I would really had told him since I honestly don't feel like I could tell anyone about it.

It really threw me off when we mentioned that incident. Why even bother saying it if I'm not going to talk about it.   o.o||

 I wonder if he will ask or prompt me about it. He has always been so relax. Always just waiting for me to say what I feel comfortable saying. But. we. will. not. speak. of. it. I think.

Work is super boring today, I got absolutely nothing to do. 😒

27 Oct 2022 Journal

 I go to work feeling quite brain dead. I think I am just tired from not getting enough sleep. As I was on the train to work, I cant help feeling this overly emotional range of feelings. Like I'm just really tired of living. I guess it's an improvement that my suicidal thoughts have become rather passive and not active?

The session yesterday did help a lot. At least I didn't cut myself again. I think I am hurt badly enough. I couldn't even wear my bracelets because it hurts too much. I didn't dare show my counselor the cuts. I actually mentioned the incident 20 years ago. Maybe I shouldn't have, maybe I did the right thing. But how, how could I ever talk about it. I could not. I probably shouldn't have said anything. But the thing with Michael though is that, he always makes me feel like it's okay to tell him things. 

I never wanted to mentioned what my mom did. Never really wanted to admit it. but the subconscious part of me that made me type out the words really bothered me. The truth is we don't actually remember a lot of it, just bits and pieces. So, we just told him. Maybe it will help us heal. We couldn't say that she used her hands, or what we saw was a little worse than it is. I guess the graphics don't matter. We could still see it in our head, the gasping, crying, choking sound, how she roughly shake the tiny child. The frightening series of hits on the small bodies. We were really young then.

It's funny how these images stayed in our heads. Maybe they are all made up and lies. untruths.

I think I zone out a little bit when we mentioned that incident. I can't talk about the emotions, but.. it was really hard. Michael started talking about some random stuff, which I honestly don't even remember what it was. I was really grateful that he tried to distract us. I should probably use proper personal pronouns. But this is an honest space for my thoughts. I just write what I feel. I really don't think he has time to read anyway, don't think it matters.

The angry part of me has really calmed down a lot. Michael said that I was chirpy. This morning a guy sitting beside me started talking to me after we exchanged a few smiles previously. He said he is happy to see me, which made me really surprise and I ask him curiously why. I think, maybe some part of me has this really friendly, cheerful and approachable outlook. It's actually funny. I did feel better after exchanging a few smiles with people in the office. I got so bored yesterday that I started to chat with the recept guy, I think I am socialising quite well these days. hahaha. My counselor should be proud of me. heh.

26 Oct 2022 Journal

 Another day of feeling dazed. Like there's a fog that wouldn't clear. Well I did barely slept last night and that was terrible. I slept from 8pm-10pm than 7am-9am. Can I just add them up and declare that I slept for at least 4 hours?

I didn't need to wear the bracelets yesterday, my sleeve didn't fall back easily. Today I had to wear them, and that fucking hurts. 

I hope the counselor leads the session later. I think I have already run out of things to say about my mom. Like haven't we already gone through all the details of how I was neglected or emotionally abuse? Do we have to go through every single detail? I feel like its so pointless though, it all adds up to the same emotions isn't it. which caused me to be suicidal. and we talked about it.

I'm glad we have a session later, because honestly I think I would have gone home and hurt myself again.

I think I have a legit problem that I am starting to turn it into a habit. The worst part would be if I start to recall the memory while doing it, than my anger caused me to cut deeper, which by the way is fucking stupid. Well the memory is constantly at the back of my mind which annoys the fuck out of me.

I really shouldn't have fucking done it.

25 Oct 2022 Journal

 Finally, did my work and submitted my forms to the agent. I guess I just really need to feel the pressure to start working on them. It feels good to be busy.

It was raining and I used my hand to cover my head. While on the traffic light, I saw this cleaner uncle from office. We were always friendly to each other, we would smile and make small talks. Sometimes when leaving office, I would even smile happily at the recept people and say "byebye!" and wave at them.

So the cleaner uncle, sadly I don't know his name, we were waiting at the traffic. He had an umbrella. I impulsively ran to him and he happily offered to share his umbrella. I grinned and talk to him jokingly saying that he actually pretended not to see me so that he doesn't need to share his umbrella with me.

We laughed and took the train together because, well we happened to be on the same line. I actually wanted to walk slower and I was taking a call, smiling and waving at him to go ahead and leave first. but. he kinda just waited for me. =x 

So I was stuck with making small talks with him through the journey. Well I guess I'm hitting the quota of being sociable. Of course it wasn't that I didn't like people or anything like that. I was just honestly quite tired. But it was nice to hear him chat a little about his story.

He used to be a "bad" guy and did bad things, and later he found Christ and that lead him to change to a better person. That was really good for him and we chatted a little on this subject. We were saying that it's just important to just be good at heart and not have guilty conscious. Last time, he used to be afraid of seeing the police I guess cause he always looks guilty. but now he feels upright and able to look at people straight into their eyes. I am happy for him. 

Then he said that I am also such person, cheerful and good and look straight at people's eye. I really didn't know how to react. Maybe I'm just too good at acting. This afternoon was so bad that I couldn't keep up with my act, but by the end of the day I felt a little better after doing some work and pretended to cheerily wave at the recept people again.

No one sees the horrible cuts on my wrist. No one knows the despair that I feel that drives me to want to die. well except my counselor and imh doctor I guess. lol.

The imh case manager called again to check on me. While it was great that someone was checking on me, I realized that he was just really doing his job and probably didn't want to hear that I am not okay. What else could I say? He would just say, go to a and e or call the crisis hotline. I honestly just want to roll my eyes every time someone says that to me. 

25 Oct 2022 Journal

 Cant function today in office, brain is fuzzy and can't focus at all. I need to place 3 orders. What the hell is wrong with my brain?? Pretty sure I got 6 hours of sleep yesterday and that is considered pretty good. 

I was going to take leave tomorrow, but I cancelled my leave. I realized that I had to calculate salary and expenses tomorrow so I won't be able to take leave for the interview.

I really wish I could go back to kms. Why do I just feel that I can't do anything? 

It's just a loop, feeling good 1 day, and feeling depressed the rest of the week. My cut is bad, I think I would nick the vein if I do it again. Maybe I almost did. Not really, it's just a scratch, I should cut deeper, No, I shouldn't.

Should I leave my house to do it, but what if I don't die and got warded again. Should I just fall, to make sure I would really die?

These meds really doesn't do shit, I am still as depressed as ever.

SADNESS

 We were really sad today. We shouldn't have done it. The cuts kept bleeding, and it wouldn't stop. Even now,  tiny bits of blood still seep through. Maybe we should just let it dry. It really hurt.

It's really painful. We shouldn't have, it made us worse. We made a mistake. Now it's hard. 

24 Oct 2022 Journal

 Well, there goes the plan of feeling good. The suicidal thought decrease, but the self harm thought increase. Every time I recall it, I just hurt myself. It's really funny how the pain only comes afterwards. What I hate most is how I don't understand why I cant just let it go or get over it after all these years. 

Like WHY.

Maybe it's really better to just die. this struggle is too much and not worth it.

23 Oct 2022 Journal

 I am actually shocked that I slept for so many hours. maybe 12 hours? like what? But it was a kinda good sleep and rest. It wasn't like the previous times when I just slept to try and escape my depressive thoughts. I was honestly feeling better and just had a really restful sleep.

That felt really good. Where did the constant anger and misery go? I have not felt the constant suicidal thoughts for maybe 2 days. That's pretty good. Maybe the therapy session does help?

hehe. Finally I can enjoy my weekends! Feels such a relief that my spare times are not filled with the misery thoughts of wanting to kill myself. I think, I have my anger, pretty well under control.

Maybe acknowledging what I didn't have in childhood helps. I talked about cz last session, didn't  know that I would suddenly start tearing. But yes, I had felt a lot of anger and resent, feeling that maybe, the way I grew up had made me sabotaged my r/s with him. I remembered when I saw that he had married, I had felt such a big lost in me. Like I really lost someone important to me. I don't think he will ever know how much I cared for him, or how much I had really wanted to be with him at that time. But I just couldn't.

That was when the anger and resentment started piling up. I kept feeling this anger and resent every time I see my mother, or every time she did something selfish or started shouting. I couldn't hate her, so I hated myself, since my existence was a mistake and since I'm so useless to her, why not just die. Since my life is basically just filled with misery and I am so worthless and a burden, why not just die.

My mom had been pretty nice to me these days. I meekly asked her one morning, if she could make the bread and egg breakfast for me. She complained a bit, but she did. Dinner time, she scooped rice and put a lot of vegs on the bowl and had it prepared and sitting on the table for me when I came out to the kitchen.

22 Oct 2022 Journal

 So today was funny. Knowing that my sister is coming over gives me the motivation to step out of my house and exercise.

I started with some stretching exercise and slowly got my heart rate up. I closed my eyes and simply just be aware of the moment. How my feet was hitting the ground, breathing in and out, feeling the cool breeze on my face, being aware of the trees rustling and the birds chirping.

With no triggers, I started feeling the emotions trying to creep in again. The anger and misery that is part of me, as if asking me, " what are you trying to do" The part of me that is getting upset because, I was trying. 

I let the anger take over me as I continue to run, feeling the misery in me, and then I asked," what are you going to do about it? what are you going to do about all this anger? what can you do about it? Feel the breeze on the face, isn't it nice." I ran with the anger in me, wondering why I had to suddenly feel this way. I wanted to tell her that, it's okay to let go of the anger. The anger grudgingly left, and I slow down, acutely aware of how my muscles were aching. 

The tingling upset feeling still lingers as I walked slowly back to my house. My sister was on my pc and I lay on the floor beside her. I had this burning question that I wanted to ask her for awhile but I never did. So I plucked up the courage and asked, what did the imh staff told you when you were informed to pick me up.

Apparently, nothing more than what was discussed with the doctors. I didn't want them to tell her about my suicide attempt, but they could tell her I was admitted due to depression. I'm think she guessed because of what I told her after she tried to asked me some questions.

Seems like I lost my Jet stone bracelet, which really upsets me. All my other pieces of bracelets are still around, just missing that one. Which is funny considering how I always just remove or wear them together in a group.

Luckily I don't seem to have the intense thoughts of dying anymore. only, occasionally. but every time I  see my cuts healing, I wonder why I had this feeling of wanting to cut myself again.

Every time I recall the memory, I just hate it and feel like hurting myself. I wish it would stop.

21 October 2022

 Ironically, I had an interview scheduled with NUH next week. I was suppose to get a referral to nuh for a 2nd opinion.

The office is so cold today. 

I know. That the other part of me just wants to die. I really don't want to get admitted into the wards again if I failed at dying. Am I going to get hurt again during the weekends..

The reality is just that, a professional therapist, setting his boundaries clear. He did in fact, done nothing wrong. But yes, we still wished for the little bit of compassion, empathy, or just something a little more gentle would be better than than a cold slap of professional email.

Why would a busy senior psychotherapist who teaches and have a lot of client have time to bother with a small potato like me. I am just one of the many clients with probably the same issue.

Let's say that he does care, but with his limited bandwidth of 1 hour. That's it. I don't think I was unreasonable, no reply, no follow up, just one email to show he gives a damn. was that unreasonable?  was voicing out my feelings unreasonable?

I thought that most therapist would understand and support you. Then again, that's where the perspective of two people comes in, neither is wrong. It's just what is.

Like the family that I had, I wanted more, but there isn't. She has her limits and I am hurt constantly because of her. I understand it. Then what? Nothing would change. I guess I had to acknowledge and accept it? Let's say I does that, then we still go on, this cycle of struggle. why can't I just quit. I've acknowledge that I didn't have what I need to grow up with the right mind, then what? What am I not acknowledging?

Acknowledge all the pain I had, the love and care that I didn't have, then what? move on? know that it's not my fault? because it is just what it is, and I just find better coping skills to deal with life now?

There is still not a lot to live for though, like why bother? 

Still so depressive. I think this batch of meds is lousy.

20 Oct 2022

 Well, this is awkward. I had to yet again, throw another post into the draft area because.. it was too fucking weird.

Like how? how does a typo becomes 7 words that were typed out and I had no clue when it happened, I was definitely not going to say that, but it was just typed out and the next moment when I read it again I was just shocked with the words. It was typed out subconsciously by me I guess?

So I guess, that's a big reaction for considering to want to acknowledge the emotions and situation. The other part of me doesn't want to heal and just wants to sulk in misery. - roll eyes-

Why is this so confusing. It's so hard when I feel anger, when did I started to hate myself so much?

She hates that life is so unfair, that she had to suffer so much

She hates the person who call herself our mother, but yet constantly hurts us

She is so angry and resentful that she grew up without anyone caring about her.

All they did was to constantly harm her and hurt her feelings. Saying that she is useless and a shame to the family. Why didn't she matter to them, why didn't someone care about her?

What am I suppose to do with all this feelings. I want to tell her to just grow up and deal with it, because life is unfair and you still have to live life the best way you can. But she doesn't want to. She is sick of life and doesn't want to keep trying anymore, she doesn't believe in hope and doesn't trust a lot of people. She just thinks that dying is better.

Well, that is the suicidal part of me I guess. I really don't know what to do. 

Diamond

 Finally it's your turn. We had to. 

When we had no one, when we were crying, when we had no comfort. We had Diamond.

As we sat crying alone in the room and feeling miserable, Diamond would come to us and and tried to get into our laps, lick us and comfort us. Diamond wanted to hug us and tell us that it was okay.

We would hug her, feeling that small sense of comfort from her, no judgement from her, no criticism from her. She is just there, pure and loving with us.

We regretted not being by her side when she passed on from old age. Really regretted. Miss her terribly.

Even after years and years after you left, we still miss you and it felt just not so long ago that you were still with us. 

Had you been gone for so long already? The most special one.

 

20 Oct 2022 Journal

 Finally! I got to have maybe 6-8 hours of sleep. Omg. well obviously that's because I didn't sleep the whole night yesterday and went to work. Lol. Felt dizzy, light headed. Didn't take break fast, and ate too little for lunch, I don't think that's a bad thing. Unfortunately, my mom cooked rice AND potato. I just hate this combination the most and told her nicely multiple times, but guess what, she doesn't give a damn.

I was really getting more and more angry just now before I slept and the angry part is given a time out, no writing for her because she is too childish. Your post can only be kept in draft mode.

After switching to 1 tab of sertraline yesterday, the suicidal side effects were intense. Like my god, they actually exist, and affected me so much. But they wore off soon, I think luckily the doctor started me with half tab for a week. I think I can actually tell if they are caused by my own thoughts or are the side effects of the meds. They just feel different from my own suicidal thoughts. I think.

I was dreading work yesterday, just waiting for my boss to tell me nicely that my attendance is too poor. Anticipated it. but nope. I struggled between wanting to talk to him to say I'll resign, or just waiting it out.

Nothing happened, he spoke to a few other colleagues but me. After lunch he was already gone. Damn it.

I cut myself yesterday morning, and that was bad. I just got angrier when I did it, and ops. It was still surface bleeding, but I had to press on it a little longer to stop the bleeding. I thought of doing it again just now when I was angry, but I didn't. I don't want it to become a habit.

I usually had my black beads group with the other bracelets together every time I wear or remove it, they are always together. and I wear it to cover my scars. But for the life of me, I don't know why I can't find it, and I really love that beads. It's a Jet stone bracelet. I think it must have fallen off somewhere in my room.

I wonder if I should email my counselor to remind him of our session. He didn't even bother to send a short reply or just acknowledge my email. 7 days. I'm sure he was busy, maybe on a holiday, yes, he shouldn't have to check his email if he was on a holiday. but I really expected him to at least reply when he returned. but noppe. He had completely forgetter about me. Probably didn't even read my blog, I guess I shouldn't have expected him to. I just know I'm gong to get annoyed if he says he cares, but done noting to show it except showing up in our session and talking. What does he even know about me? How will he help me when he doesn't know anything about me? Does he even have any plans or goals for our session? We never talked about any of it. Maybe I am too impatient.

I am really annoyed with how much I told him, I don't even remember very clearly what I said, which bugs the hell out of me. I know that I started tearing at some point, and I kept trying to recall what I was saying, I think, it was about.. how I returned home with all my stuff and my mom was just yelling at me. I think it  was about that? "wishing for just one moment in her life that she could have considered my feelings" I think it was about this incident. I don't remember what else I said, except my mom giving us bad food, and...  counselor started asking some short questions, and that's about it I think.

I feel nervous about the session later. maybe.  

Incapacitated

17 Oct Journal 5.36am

 I guess I could go to work again without sleeping, since I have done it before, or I could skip work and go and kill myself.

Despair sets in when my thoughts wouldn't rest and race through the details of this pathetic life that I have.

How do I distract myself that this is me? That I can't run away from who I am?

The scary part is that I seriously want to consider doing it. Go to my quiet place and make sure that I really cut myself deep enough that I can bleed to death before someone finds me, but since it's raining heavily outside now and I cant go to that place, I could take a lift up and just fall to death.

Why not? I had thought of the last words that I wanted to say to my doctor. It felt like he really cared to some degree.

Maybe this change of meds, is not working. I guess it gets a little worse before it gets better? I think the doctor mentioned that. I took 1 tab of clonazepam though, why doesn't it work.

I casually slit two lines across my wrist again. I begin to wonder what is a scratch and what is considered deep. 

What is a scratch and what is deep,

as I slit two thin lines that bleeds.

I guess we are just weak

because everything looks really bleak.

we just hope that it will all be quick.

I wonder where is my counselor?

my emails says he's not contactable

and where is my doctor?

He is 3 weeks away, says the calendar.

The other part of me grins like the devil

telling me that I am just laughable.

15 Oct Journal

 6.15pm started exercise, I told myself that I would do cardio until 6.35 then I said why not just pushed it just 5 more mins. That 1 min felt really long. Just when it hit 6.40, I turned on my favorite BTS motivational music, and decided that I could run around for another10mins. I jog slowly home and my nephew saw that I was exercising, and said he needed to exercise too.

I spent another 10mins playing songs and jumping around with him. That was really fun, he kept trying to talk about this game that he was playing while moving around slowly. I said," faster Kaen, FASTER" and laughed. He picked up speed and ran faster. It felt really funny that I was motivating someone else.

When was the last time I really laughed and smiled?

After dinner, the kids and I squeezed into the 2 seater sofa to play some Netflix show. I could feel Kaelyn right beside me, I felt some comfort from her closeness.

I know that they like to hang out around me, so did I. I always find it strange how Kaelyn likes to stick with me when she was younger.

They argued, didn't want to leave. play rock paper scissors. bla bla bla. Kaelyn stayed a little longer, Kaen sulk and pouted. It was all rather endearing.

When they were a lot younger, I constantly distance myself from them since I didn't like their mother. I always feel bad when they were disappointed that I didn't turn up in some events. I would declined to join when they want to go for walks, for me it was because my sister was there.

Eventually, I just couldn't keep disappointing them, and decided to fully engage with them. They shouldn't feel rejected just because I didn't like my sister. That was unfair to them. In some ways, they did a lot of good for me too.

So, was exercising suppose to help? I know now that it helps at the moment, but it doesn't drive away the flashbacks. I couldn't stop it. It almost felt like I was going through it again and it drives me crazy. I feel like hurting myself again when that happens. I felt the same emotions again, and again.

I just HATE IT when that memory keeps coming back. I feel like my head is splitting when the flashbacks gets longer. I really can't stand it.

14 Oct Journal

 I felt like I wanted to sink and talk about a lot of stuff. But they were too dark. I recall the counselor words, find something exciting and even added in a smiley face.

Just go out for walks, go for runs, just snap out of it? Is it so simple?????

I still feel obligated to at least do or write some things that are not negative or at least neutral, something that shows that I am trying (trying what?)

 (honestly there is really nothing exciting to write, so I could not do that)

2 things, that I was constantly being told/reminded to do. Friends and activities.

I texted some of my dear colleagues from kms, just asking how they have been, getting in touch with people. and also ask if there are any class/activities that they are attending or that I could join.

I also texted this guy from cnb, that I have ghosted many times lol. He's a nice guy, I apologize for ghosting him constantly and told him honestly that it was because I was dealing with depression. Well, to be honest, I just threw that in, half expecting him to run the other way. But he didn't. Talk to me a lot and was quite encouraging. That was interesting.

We were kinda encouraging each other, talking about stuff, and I mentioned that I thought of starting to clock in some exercise too. I just received a text from him, asking me to show proof with a wink smiley face. I smiled a couple of times when we were chatting.

I tidy up and clean my desk. Burn some sages to clear this stifling air. It all felt pretty good.

I was trying to look to for my primary school report book since the imh doctor requested for it, I couldn't find it. I do remember some words written by the teachers then. 'xxx is a shy and soft spoken girl. something like that. later it progress to something along on 'frequent careless mistake and need to take my study more seriously' I think this was in secondary school.

Anyway, instead of finding my report book, I found a lot of other stuffs that... was quite upsetting maybe.

First is the cert for my engagement ring. I think it cost around $4k+. I've thought a few times if I should sell it, but I just couldn't.

Next thing I found.. is, a lot a lot of books.. Many of them are all Buddhism related books. It really hurt, because I was so fond of studying them. When I was passively suicidal, it had never crossed my mind to really kill myself, because all life form is precious, and life as a human is even more precious. That's why even when I had thoughts, it never seem like it was an option. I still just kept struggling on.

Yet, I had fallen so far. It's just so hard to comprehend this drastic change. It hurts that I have forgotten all the teachings, all the misery and suffering, I should understand it. I just let myself sunk, until I just couldn't make sense of anything else but the pain.

Well, there goes the plan to write something positive. Couldn't even do that. -roll eyes-

I'll go clock my 30mins of exercise now. :-]

14 Oct Journal

 This is so awkward. There's no order coming in, literally have nothing to do in office. It's a shared office, so there's nothing much to work on.

Yesterday afternoon, when I was in office, I suddenly felt incredibly tired and emotional. I could feel all the negative emotions creeping in and was shaky, couldn't focus. Probably due to change of meds, so I took half clonazepam. It's really weird when I'm so out of it. 

I was angry and wrote a short post yesterday, after reading it, I felt that I just couldn't post it. I don't think I write very well when I'm angry. Sometimes this other side of me just wants to take over and vent everything out. She is quite childish.

Usually I don't have reservations on my writings, but the post is too confusing, I'm just afraid how my counselor would judge me.

I don't know what my boss wants, he wants salary adjustment, I bluntly told him we should find someone to replace me. Then he says let's discuss again. What is there to discuss?

Half the time, he doesn't know what he wants and he wants me to come up with something. I really don't have a clear direction at all. Honestly, I can't stand this "free time" in office, I'd much rather be busy with work and keeping myself occupied.

Few weeks ago, some company came across my cv and would like to invite me down to interview, but I rejected them 😖They offer higher salary but, it was longer working hours. God, I got too spoiled in this company. 

20 days AL 1000 Medical claims per year no restrictions. work hours 10 am - 5pm. 

Boss leaves by 2pm. I feel really trapped. I'm afraid to change job and worried that I can't work properly if I can't even cope with myself. My boss said to just stay and improve on my attendance.

*screams* why don't you just find someone to replace me. I should really appreciate his kindness.

I really felt like changing job, something more hectic. That will keep me busy, yet I am just so unsure if I could keep up, if I could even function normally.

Even though I wanted to change job, I just really don't know how much I can deal with these days.

It's Friday. Weekends are coming.

Sometimes. I just clutch my fist, wishing that. wishing for..  things that cant be said. 

My sister text me yesterday,  I think that might be what have triggered me to be upset. At some point, I have decided that I will never trust her. There's a reason why I had to come to this decision.

It was also proven, when her first reaction was to yell at me when I was in imh. I honestly wanted to die at that time, the pain in me was too familiar, but there was no way for me to die since I was in the ward (lol) I very rashly thought of smashing the mirror to get a glass to slash myself, but lets be honest, I wouldn't have manage to die with all the nurse and doctors around. So, no point trying. I took so much effort to 'look' alright, so that I can be discharge soon, can't say the same for the other patients.

Don't fall for it and get hurt again. No one in my family can be trusted, I could never ever rely on them.

(except for dad. we love him)

 

NO CRYING

When we were in school, a kid fell and they started crying. It felt funny to see that. We were usually taught not to cry. 

The more we cry, the more we got hit.

No crying allowed.

We still do, we just do it secretly.

One time, we said something wrong and she was mad.

She dragged us around, to the living room and threw us down. She made us kneel on the floor for hours.

Tears slipped, no wailing or any sound, that was okay.  Our tiny legs hurt. We don't really know what happened, we just said the wrongs things and that made her angry.

Sometimes a lot of bad things happened, and it's always our fault. 

We made them mad, we didn't do good enough,  we were bad.

12 Oct Journal

 Decided to impulsively apply for a flat at HDB. Not really impulsive without the consideration of financial planning, more on booking base on which will be completed the soonest, without consideration on the location.. lol. But I would probably not be able to book successfully due to high que number.

I was out today for quite a bit. I think a lot of brisk walk, maybe around 20mins. Went to imh for my appointment after 2 months, and guess what? The doctor is on mc!

Imagine how resentful I felt. I waited grudgingly for my turn because the appointment will be video call base, having half the mind to be quite un participative and resistant.

It was not even a psychotherapy session, just a doctor appointment that will be around 30-40 mins. Did I miss out something, apparently when they did a triage call with me, I didn't fit in with the criteria for therapy session. huh?

The call eventually turn out to be more than an hour long, I was sure that there was another patient right after me, but I think she got deferred to another doctor? My resentment quickly disappear, because the doctor really sounded sick, constantly coughing and blowing nose. He was genuinely quite concern with what has been happening around me and wanted to know a lot of details related to childhood. I felt bad for being resentful earlier. Honestly don't remember any details at all around primary school, which I wonder if it's normal. I think I just have a very bad memory. So embarrassing. Guess what, he recommended dynamic therapy, whatever that means. who knows how many months away that will be.

SOO, I think I'm going to quit my current job and informed my boss tomorrow. !! 

I'm excited because, time to look for new job..! (sarcasm intended)

and Holy f.ck, this really got me excited. Heart race, not the good looks, but the music and dance and energy, all SO impactful. 3:59 this song is the best. Jung Kook has such intense gaze. His energy is absolutely amazing. Love this!

I feel really scared and uncertain, when this feeling of hope, creeps in. I was not able to find hope , didn't want to, but I still follow the motions of what I should do. So now, people tells me what to do to find that hope again, I listen and I try.. What if I fail again, what if I still can't. what if this weekend, I got drown , and couldn't step out of my misery again.

SOMETIMES

Sometimes, we wonder. We come back home and she's angry. Slamming things around. We quickly think back, did we forgot to throw the trash out, we didn't forget. Did we left a cupboard slightly ajar and didn't close it fully, no. Did we left some stuff and forgot to put it back at the same spot, no? What else?? Quickly think. Maybe we didn't do anything. Should we hide? Should we speak to her gently?

Sometimes we see some things that are really scary. We were scared, we wanted to do something or say something, but we were scared.

Once it happened to us, we hid in the toilet through the day. How many hours? We don't really remember. Miserable, just waiting for dad to come home, then we peek, and ran to him and hide behind him.

Sometimes we wish they would stop, constantly fighting, shouting. Slamming doors. We got frightened. Then we pretend that we are okay, so that they would stop fighting. Make everyone happier. 

Sometimes they blame us, sometimes it's our fault.

Sometimes she just bangs the door and yell for us, and it gave us a fright. Constantly.

It becomes a habit, we responded with fear. Then we realized oh, it's okay.

It's like walking on egg shells constantly. In this house.

Sometimes we took the lift to the highest floor and look down, and wonder if we could jump down.

But we were only 15.

Sometimes, we wonder.. is this normal?

One time, it was too much, they hated us, and we hated them. 

So we left. 

We hid in a safe space, and we watched them with glee.

 We couldn't hear them, and they couldn't hear us.

It didn't matter what they said, didn't matter what they screamed.

They simply faded away

We held on to each other, no one can reach us here 

11 Oct Journal

I washed my face vigorously. For a short moment, I wondered if I accidentally smacked my nose or some water got in. It kinda hurt. 

I always panicked a little while showering, I could almost hear the cries of my hair as they terminate themselves and fall off.

Towel dry hair carefully

Apply Bloom cream on face!

Plugs and blow dry hair

Stops and quickly put hair serum

Put argan oil

Spray some pink mist

Continue to dry hair.

Stops and quickly play BTS Motivational songs

Continue to dry hair. Put on clothes.

Music is really good, wants to dance to it, but since I didn't sleep the whole night. I probably shouldn't.

Put this, apply that, wake my mom up to steal her eyebrow pencil to use. Luckily, she just looks at me with a big frown, but didn't start complaining/shouting. Big win there.

Finishes and looks at mirror. I like my earrings. I look nice. 

Every action has it's meaning. What it meant to dry my hair, what it meant to try and look nice, what it meant to take care of my hair. how it felt, to listen to music while preparing for work. All this has it's own meaning when you are struggling between being alive or being dead. I just wanted to be aware of what it feels like.

I don't really like wearing the beads and bracelet. It pinches into my cuts sometimes and that hurts. The hairband is too tight sometimes and that hurts me too.

Goal for today: act like a normal functional human being.

Counselor said to get out and be around a lot of people, that helps. I don't know how to tell him that I did that, but yet it felt like they were in another world. or I was just outside, looking in, Does that makes sense? Sometimes it feels like they are in a blur, and I am just still alone. All the noises are like white noise buzzing and I was just not involved. I remembered I walked into mc donalds, it was so crowded, my eyes just glazed over like they were a movie or gif picture It actually felt more lonely when I was in a place full of people, so not sure about that.

I am acutely aware that I am too critical of myself. Just not sure what to do with it. Anyway, weekend accidentally extended by 1 day into Monday. So that was horrifying, and apparently I had been writing my journal wrong. 

Last 2 days were so bad. For future references, better to just die than call imh. Big mistake there. 

I just want to childishly sulk for a week because my counselor abandon me and is not available this week. I know the connection I feel with him is only one sided, because it was a one sided sharing session (lol). I think I will absolutely cringe with embarrassment if he reads this, but lets be honest, too many post too many words, I just bet 100% he wont see this.

I 'think' my boss saw my cuts on the wrist, which make me just want to crawl into a hole and hide. I saw him glance at it, but I wasn't sure if my sleeve was covering it. I notice that it fell a bit and its possible that he saw it, lets just pretend he didn't see it.

I feel such a huge relief that, I seem functional today. Counselor says to write things that I could feel excited about, and added a smiley face behind.

How should I say it, it's like someone is so miserable that they wanted to die, and someone just stands in front and says lets get excited about something!   ?

 I was incapacitated today, I didn't take lunch or breakfast. I did finally get up to cook dinner for my dad and myself. I slept away my day, hopping to sleep away my stupid thoughts.

I think my counselor seems too busy to bother with me. I don't think he wants to have a session with me before he go away. So, I really can't find it in me to bother him.

I wished I could tell someone that I really feel like dying today. I really want to leave my house and try to kill myself again. If I made enough attempts, I should succeed one of this day isn't it?

It feels so heavy, sometimes I want to scream why am I not getting better, why am I still suffering when I had taken my meds dutifully everyday. Why did old memories haunt me now, WHY can't  I let it go. I really hate that I still can't get over it because it's SO stupid to still feel pain after 20 years. Just Incredibly Stupid.

I think I am just really weak, and useless, and many other things that, lets just not bother to say anymore.

 I gave in to my thoughts and did a small cut. I wanted to make sure that I could still overcome the fear, if I wanted to. I did wanted to make a deeper cut, but I didn't give in to that impulse. I still feel like doing it again, but I think I will just go and rest on my bed and hope I fall asleep.

I still prefer to bury that incident, and not think of it again. Constantly having that flashback will not make me write what happen. So I hope it will start to go away.

I felt the vein when I was cutting, and I wonder how much will I bleed if I just slice into it. I think I should focus on that next time.. when I'm not at home.

I seriously considered leaving my house just now, and I let that moment pass.

I think I failed my impulse check, because I cut twice more. I don't think it matters. I feel satisfied with the 3rd cut. So I stopped.

I think I couldn't deal with the flashback, so I make some calls to ask about it. It makes me mad that it's another thing that I need to deal with. But I wont. I don't want to deal with it. I will continue to bury it until it doesn't surface again. Mad, yes. but also so much more.. that could not be said.

I feel a lot worse this few days. I just really don't understand why it keeps coming back to haunt me now. I wish I could continue to forget about it.

I definitely need to stop writing, and hope that it will go away.

Flashback

Does writing this journal daily makes me keep having flashback of a bad memory? Ever since I started this journal I keep recalling something that I have buried, and I don't understand it. Sure, I can handle it when it happen only occasionally through the years. Now I keep recalling it constantly..

I won't write about it. 

I think I should stop this journaling. My counselor had forgotten and abandon me. 

08 Oct pm Road to nowhere

 My sister, brother in law, niece and nephew came to visit today. I recently became aware that I felt resentment and anger after their visits. There was a bitter feeling to it. I remember last time after they left, I was very upset and agitated, and I used up a lot of will power to not walk out of my house and kill myself.

I can see that Kaen and Kaelyn are very lucky to have parents who loves them, affirms positive action and encourages them a lot. They were taught gently. I could see it every time they came to visit.

My counselor was right, it could be because that my sister got out early and now she's a good mother to her kids. She has always been strong, and active. I personally of course, thought she was overbearing and "another mother" to me. She was non existent in my life. There were times before she married when she came home to visit, and all she had for me were criticism, anger, and disappointment. That's what I am, a constant disappointment in my family. Someone that didn't matter, useless and a burden.

I didn't dislike them, I enjoy the kids, they are cute and adorable. Kaelyn is especially a very sweet girl. There were a few times when she had done things that were really sweet and sensitive. She has s special kind of intuition. 

I find it annoying that my sister suddenly seems to start caring about me now. It's like now she felt obligated to pay attention to me since the time when she had to pick me up at imh. I went out with her to buy dinner back home for everyone. She started to make conversations with me. I am just acutely aware of what she is doing because she knows that I was in imh recently. 

I'm glad that she is doing well now. I think even though we had never been close, but we could now still maintain a much healthier conversation with respect for each other at least.

When my counselor wanted me to start a journal, I felt happy to do it because it was what I like to do. Writing. I just never expected that my constant thought has always been these issues, or why did something that happen so long ago still pop out in my head. I know that sometimes, I have constant flashback of some events there were quite triggering, that were somehow always at the back of my mind. I just never expected the outcomes of writing about it plainly in text to be read. It felt.. so unsettling.

I think I feel quite angry with this counselor. He wanted me to write journals and so I did. I hop into the rabbits hole and came back up with a lot of buried skeleton bones. Then he is not available to support me through this. What am I suppose to do with them? They feel heavy and suffocating. So, he wanted me to acknowledge my feelings, then why is he not available to help me through this? They are written so plainly in text that I cant ignore them, I don't know what to do with them.

08 October Journal

I woke up and made my own brunch. My mom did say that she's not cooking today. She mentioned that she wanted to go out today by herself I think cause she gets bored being stuck at home. I feel nervous that she would want me to go out with her. Which I don't think she will.

I was lying on my bed just now and thinking through what I had blog so far. I had two realization.

I think since my 1st session with secret keeper, I had to begin to really admit that my mom was affecting me in a huge way. I still wished to say that my depression might have make it seems worse, and I really don't wish to think that my mom is the one causing me to be suicidal. I know that, there were moments when I got really distressed and wanted to die and it seems like my mom was causing it, but it could also be that depression was the main culprit and my mom was just the side effect, like I couldn't do it anymore. So that's depression talking.

Since I already knew that there was a lot of emotional abuse, and I had constantly been very resistant to that. I wondered what could have been the effect on me, and that's when the first realization came in.

Maybe I had grown up, without really know what its like to have a real relationship with a mother. I read a post yesterday about how a mother lost her child, she was devastated. She really love her child and had a happy, wonderful relationship with her. I thought that I never had that feeling. I don't remember my mom ever having any kind words to me. When I was 7 years old, I went to school alone, and walk back home myself. I saw kids at my age, had their parents or mom picked them up and bring them home. I was always alone. There were a lot of times when I would go home to an empty house because she was out playing mahjong with her friends.

When I got in trouble in school, and the teachers wanted to see my parents, my dad would be working, and my mom would refused because she said that I was an embarrassment and it cause her shame to go down and let people know that I was her child. So, my parents never ever had time to bother with me. I begin to feel more connections with my friends, who are the ones that I start to spend more time with after school. I was really happy to have friends, and that made me feel a lot of positive feelings that I never had with my family.

The realization was that I had needed to feel the intense need for validation that people cared for me when I started to have a relationship. Needless to say, I was extremely possessive and unreasonable. I pushed my partner to the limit just to see how much he cared. Break up with them for no reason, just to see their reaction, how much they really love or care for me, if they would want me back. I remember hating myself for what I was doing. Of course I didn't know what I was doing then. I begin to realize that I was too obsessives and insecure, and I tried to change later on, but never really understanding why I behaved in such a way in the first place.

The second realization … is that I had intentionally distance from my friends. I was searching for the right word to use and the word disassociation popped out. It's really interesting to find out all this terms that has happen to me and explains a lot.

I. I know that I shouldn't write this, because I don't want my counselor to ask me about it. But I still want to keep this space as what it is, a place for my honest thoughts. I don't want to feel that I can't write openly anymore.

My depression might just focus on the worst memory, so I started to recall this. I usually just forget about this incident and blocks it away. That really hurt a lot. This friend, may not know, but I had really treasured our friendship and all the time that we spent together. (sneaking out from her room window, to meet up with other friends) It had always felt very adventurous and fun. I felt very betrayed. Luckily, I didn't even tell her the whole truth of what happened. I saw her reaction, and I just couldn't say anymore. She was skeptical.. so, I just couldn't say anymore. I couldn't tell anyone. It was so hard. I really could not tell a single soul. I pretended that everything was fine, and I never bothered with this friend anymore. Our friends are all connected so sometimes I would still see her, and smile and pretend. Soon, she didn't bothered with me, and I didn't bothered with her too. I just left.

I begin to stop connecting with friends. I felt that I was safer alone.

07 Oct pm Road to nowhere

 For some reasons, I actually don't feel as suffocated as I thought I would be. The night progress and I went to play my game, which my god, I had neglected so much. I barely played this week and I really missed out on a lot of things. There's a new pull available which I guess I won't be spending money on to get it, because I spent most of my money on therapy session. lol. I think that's a good thing.

I had been thinking about this for awhile now and thought I should at least jot it down. One time I was replying an email to this secret keeper, and I felt like I wrote in a lot of details which I didn't really had the intention to initially. I just habitually start writing out my thoughts and I guess it felt like I could share it with him so I sent out the messaged. Actually, 5mins later, I immediately regret and panicked. I actually tried to recall the email, but then apparently, gmail doesn't let you recall sent email that has passed 30 seconds. So I guess I had to live with it.

I seems to forget that I had only met him once, and then I also gave him access to my blog. I feel quite anxious that he would be able to read my dark thoughts. it's unnerving because these are so private and I have never ever revealed so much stuff to anyone before. But I also really didn't want to be uncommunicative. I thought that it should probably be ok right? To share more info would be helpful I think? It's just unsettling to feel that someone I only met once knows so much about me now. or maybe not if he doesn't read them.

The strange thing is that, at least I am able to talk to him about a lot of things that I have never spoke of.

I had two session with Tee, and I never even came close to telling her half of what I had told M in one session. I felt that I could not open up to T, I don't know why. I had the impression that she was not very open to talk about my suicidality, and I had a problem with that. It was something that was affecting me and bothering me a lot, I really don't know why though that I cant seem to tell her. Maybe I felt like she didn't really care or like she never addressed to some of the things that I had told her in email. She never ask about it or come close to bringing up the topic. Her main concern was always just the safety plan, and safety plan again in the 2nd session.

Secret keeper was refreshing, I think because it was the first time that someone told me it was "understandable"

After my 2nd attempt during Sept, Tee knows about it but never asked, or want to see my wound, even if just to show some concern. It really felt like she didn't bother that much. I know that she was really hard on me because of that 2nd attempt, but that ultimately pushed me away. Maybe it was simply a matter of wrong approach. One thing I really love about her though is how she would follow up with me on email and explore how I felt about the session, and she would call me occasionally to check on me. It felt really comforting to know someone was checking in on me.

I was really surprise that secret keeper wanted to see my cuts on my wrist. I felt like at least he seem to have read my email and care enough to ask about it. I wondered why he wanted to see it though. I feel bad that I actually don't really recall what I had shared with him in the session, but I remember that I spoke quite a bit about my mother and how she was affecting me. I also teared a bit while talking about my mother, and that never happened with T. I feel bad that I had given him a bad impression of my mother.

I don't really know what to do with my complicated r/s with my mom. I want to think that, my depression just make everything really worse than it is, that maybe when I feel better, I could deal with her.

I don't trust this feeling that I have now. Like I am making progress, like I am improving. Because this was exactly what I felt on the same day I tried to kill myself. I felt positive and thought that I could enjoy the day doing things that I used to like to do, but 6 hours later, I walked to my quiet place, refused to call sos hotline and cut a lot deeper than I ever did. The progression that I thought I felt, flew out of the window, and it really messed me up.

Still I think, I should go with the flow. I think I want to go out later and maybe visit kms temple. I really missed that part of my life. I feel really unsure of these small steps to get better, because I didn't want to do it anymore. I didn't want to feel better and to deal with life. I wanted to let myself sink and just die.

I feel quite okay now, without the intense thought of wanting to kill myself, I just wonder how long it will last.

07 Oct Road to nowhere

 So, I had a terrible night. I couldn't fall asleep. I got up from my bed, angry at myself. I felt a lot of things which I wrote on the notebook. So I think letting my counselor read this blog would be better probably.

I didn't make it to work again. It bothered me a lot. Like I should just quit and stop being a burden at work, and at home. Yes, It's Friday 3.11pm. I don't know how to get through this weekend when I already feel the need to cut myself again. I think it's better to just do it, then to keep fighting it or distracting myself. It's exhausting to keep fighting my inner demons.

It's very ironic that I cut myself at home, to deal with my suicidal thoughts. Isn't this better then walking out of my house and trying to kill myself? I know there are other distractions, they simply never work when my thoughts starts drowning me.

I wished that I could have a session to look forward to, so that I could distract myself from what I want to do. But, it's 2 weekends away.

I was really grateful that my counselor was able to accept my rate, which I thank him by giving him a snack. It felt a little bit childish but it was just a small gesture that I wanted to do I guess.

He put his 2 palms together to thank me. It felt really odd to see that, and it really tug my heart a little. Not so long ago, I did that all the time, when I see the Venerables, when I see volunteers, or parents or students walking in for classes, and I do prostrations with them. I remember that I was mindful every day during that time. It reminded me of the buddha nature in him, in me. I remembered the practices that I did everyday which really anchored me.

I had enough energy and capacity then to deal with what is happening at home. My practice fell off, and I couldn't keep up or deal with my depression once I stopped. I forgot how important it was to keep to my practice.

He mentioned a group support, people who can surround me with good energy. I did used to have that.

I think the most important factor is that I should have maintain my own practice, but I fall off my routine. I always did have trouble focusing or keeping to routines, and constantly make poor decisions.

I woke up just now with my mom shouting from the window outside. I really hate it.

There are a few signs that that points to emotional abuse. I remember that I read about it some time ago, and then I realized, my tears usually just start falling once I start reading them. I would eventually just close the window, stop reading them, and block it.

I tried reading them yesterday again, and it feels painful to know when you start ticking every signs. It wasn't just 1 or 2 or 3 sighs that happen to me. It felt like I was ticking down a whole list of it.

Why I was being treated this way? It's like I never existed in the family. I was only there to see my parents hate each other, to act as someone in between them. They talk to each other through me, because they cant stand talking to each other, so I had to passed messages for them. I never mattered.

My existence is something that my mom regretted, which she told me to my face countless time.

I really don't think it matters if I died. Is it my depression talking? but it's a fact though, that I really didn't matter at all.  Even during my worst time, my mom would step on me to make sure that it's worse.

My fiancé kicked me out after we just returned from our wedding shots from korea, he said I needed to leave because he was seeing someone else and that "she" didn't like that we were still living together. I went home with all my stuff feeling pained and in emotional distress, but my mom added insult to my injury. By saying that it was my fault that the relationship ended. 

She started screaming because she hated all the clutter that I was bringing home and made me throw my stuff out. I just hauled them back myself because they were items that I really wanted to keep. I don't think I have ever felt so much physical pain in my entire life. I was just processing that I had broken up with my fiancé , I was processing the pain of knowing that he had been seeing someone else, but my mom couldn't stop screaming at me and blaming me. I could feel my blood rushing to my head, I couldn't breath, it felt like my physical body had been split into half. I was screaming in my head that, for just ONE moment in life, could she spare a thought for my feelings and what I was going through. I felt like I wanted to beg her to stop hurting me when I was already in pain.

It feels exhausting to write this all out. She kept asking me to find ways to get back with my ex. I really hate that. It didn't make sense to me to still get back together with my ex. Maybe it was my fault, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone like him, or anyone else for the matter.

06 October pm Road to nowhere

 So I am really troubled if I should let my secret keeper have access to my blog, Because this is a really dark place for me to spill my dark thoughts and no one has ever had access to this, and I need to be sure that I am still writing honestly and not change what I write because someone I know might read this now.

My secret keeper thought that the cuts he saw was deep, I wondered if he really thought that because it felt like it wasn't deep, and it was really easy to slit that two lines on my wrist. I guess the problem is that I knew how bad my last attempt was, but no one else knows. That the cuts eventually did stop bleeding, but when I stretched and turn my wrist the wounds were deep enough that tiny dots of blood would start seeping through again. It's really funny how I stopped my self harm after this. Didn't I want to die? I guess it was bad enough to make me stop, so the problem is that I started doing it again.

I guess I was in a turmoil, like I still wanted to die, but I was also trying not to harm myself. Then I just did it as if to tell myself that it's fine, I still know how to do it. So I cut myself again at home, without the intention to die because I would never want my parents to find my body.

I guess that lead me to find help and throwing my money around. The money wont matter if I'm dead. Which reminded me of Dr Koh who insisted on admitting me against my will in imh. I kept insisting that I did not want to be admitted as I had to work next day, and she kind of replied that if I kill myself and died than my work won't matter, and that I should prioritize myself, which was kind of funny.

Why did my counselor want me to write all my thoughts down though, to process them and to acknowledge them? Acknowledge what? what am I not acknowledging? why did he not start on cbt and started with a daily dairy? Did he feel that I was too alone, and had no one to confide to and thus has a lot of bottled emotions?

Before I was discharged from imh, they had my social worker worked with me on my safety plan. She kept asking me who I had, to confide with, and I kept talking about having my parents around, but I support them mostly, than about that one friend that I have and who sees me as someone whom supported her. So she asked again, who do I confide in or turn to for support? I guess no one? I have always needed to be independent since young and it never occurred to me that I needed support. Even when I was sick, I try be quiet about it because my mom would find it annoying, and I just hide in my room and took care of myself. I felt uncomfortable, because the social worker looked bewildered. 

My mom would care of course, just that, she won't be happy about it I think. and I'd rather not bother her.

I think though, one time, I fractured my toe so badly, that it hurt so much that I was sure it was broken or something, my mom just smirk and shake her head, and say that I'm so clumsy, like I probably deserved it, so it was my own fault. I called a taxi and went to tan tock seng myself. I struggled a lot, to walk around. It was so painful that I felt like tearing, but I didn't want to cry. Luckily a kind soul helped me get to a wheelchair and I waited for my turn to see the doctor. I remembered that I was quite sad, this one time, because my toe really hurt. There were probably more times like this. I think I tried to change this paragraph many times, so that it didn't seem so bad. I initially wrote that my mom laughed sarcastically, but I removed that part, cause I think she didn't, just a sarcastic smirk probably.

I think my depression amplifies things and make everything seems worse than it really is. Why does all this matter, a lot of things happened in the past. Which already past anyway. I don't think all this really matters. Just let them stay buried. There was this one thing that happened though, that I sometimes think about. As usual, I told no one. Does it matter? no? what could be changed? nothing? so why would digging up buried bones help? What could be done to let me have closure? nothing? so the only thing that could happened is just forget about it. I guess I can only accept that it happened, and that's just it. It is something so bad though, that I can't even write about it or ever tell a single soul. I'm just being dramatic.

-insert laughter-

06 October Road to nowhere

Since my last attempt has disturbed me considerably, I felt obliged to spend money to seek help. It's like what my previous post said "going through the senseless motion of recovery" 

I'm here because my counselor said to write about my daily thoughts and start a dairy of some sought, which is kinda weird, I thought we would just start with some cbt methods, not that I really mind. My first concern of course would be if he will be reading it. I figured I need to filter out a lot of my dark thoughts if he would read it -insert laughter-

There were some thoughts that ran through my mind today, which I guess I should jot it down here?

Random thoughts about my counselor:

Why did he ask my age? How old is he? He's married, I hope he's in a good r/s. Is he Buddhist, he's wearing some beads. Does he even care, he doesn't seem to have any plans or structure methods. He's a SENIOR psychologist, I wanted to get someone with more experience to help me. I guess he should know what he's doing? He accepted my lower rate, maybe he will treat me base on a lower rate too. NO. He's kind to accept the lower rate, which was why I gave him a snack. I should trust him. and be patient.

Reading articles on survivors/after attempt:

well that's nice, another story of someone going through a dark time and getting out of it.

Same old story. Same suggestion and encouragement. 

Feels despair. Do I really have to do all this. How do I do it. Be positive, take the first step to be active. Immediately felt my own resistance to do it. Maybe I can call Ivy and just chat with her. seems like a lot of sources are emphasizing on social support. Imagined myself calling her and talking to her, telling her that I am calling because it was suggested in my counselling session. Imagining how she will react, and I smile. It's always nice to think that every time I think of her, it would bring a smile to my face. Maybe I should meet her up soon, but I really drag doing it, because I let on that I was hospitalized and I was depressed. I am really scared and worried that she will ask me about it. It's hard to tell her what I am going through. She knows that I have always been positive, proactive in doing a lot of things to improve myself.. but yet.. I still failed. miserably, failed miserably.. 

So my counselor replied that yes, he might read them. which I doubt, because my post are too long! lol!

When I realized that he would be away next week and would only come back after the 18 Oct. I feel sad. I am anxious that he will not be around. It's like my secret keeper will be away and will not be here to support me, that makes me anxious. I think this name suits him, someone who keeps my secret.

18 Oct seems so long. I question if I will even live through this weekend. Everything feels fine now. Nice music, nice work environment. comfortable. Yet. weekends are so tough to live through. I used to love weekends, but now, all the spare time makes me sink into the depths of my depression and that's always when I just feel like I really want to do it. I haven't mentioned it to anyone yet, but, that would really seems easier, isn't it. To jump off a building. Sometimes I just can't help staring at the high raise building.

Is it really okay to die, I asked this a millionth time. I constantly feel that yes it's okay, but so much other sources says otherwise. That I would only think that now, is only because of my depression. Maybe it's really not my depression, but just how I really view everything. Well okay maybe my mental state is not that great now, but I really, just really don't see the point. annnnd I guess that's what a typical depressed person would say. -roll eyes-

6.10 pm signing off because it's time to go home.

EM.