QUICK TEARS

 Casually sorting and filing the numerous files on my desktop because I can, thanks to the meds. A power point file with no title, simply "New Microsoft Power Point Presentation" with the little power point logo,  sat on the desktop in a very inconspicuous way.

It was something that quickly bought tears to my eyes, because it is a written note, saying goodbye to my therapist. The feeling of having had enough and wanting to die, and leaving a last note to let him know that we had experienced his kindness and warmth in this cold and harsh world.

ELIMINATION

I read about this Elimination post and that is quite interesting. It talks about feeling of elimination as we get older, feeling/getting eliminated from workplace, society, family, and eventually earth. It is the process of life and we do not need to be sad or mourn because this is the way of life and everyone goes through this path.

The usual quote, live life to the fullest/ in the moment, let go of clinging past sense of pride/watever.

Isn't it so funny? That at the age of 35 we are already trying to eliminate ourselves.

The logical part of us knows all this logically, we kept thinking how we used to be confident and happy(?) when we were younger.

For some reason, there is this emotional part of us that I couldn't handle anymore.

I think therapy has taught me that these has been caused by the trauma we had experienced, and that we are still reacting based on past experiences.

We need reminders that some negative thoughts or emotions has been placed there, not what we intended but had happened.

Well, good to know I am not throwing chunks of money for nothing... 

is it okay to just avoid it and eventually never need to face it anymore? Let's double down. Does that work?

HEADACHES

 I've been having headaches every time I take Ratalin. I'm not sure why. or could it have been the supplements that I am taking that are causing the headaches? I really don't know.

My head really hurts though, I had SO much sleep yesterday, that it couldn't even have been caused by tiredness.

I do feel tired of feeling this way. I don't know why I feel tired of therapy. Maybe feeling like I was being reprimanded really feels bad.

Especially when he is going to leave us anyway.. I bet 100% that he would not even tell us if we would be re contract, maybe someone else deserve our slots more..

I feel like I am afraid that I am doing badly and so he is now frustrated with us, and is going to abandon us soon...

MEDICATION

 I stopped Ratalin for the past 3 days, and I took 1 today. It feels like too much, and my jaws, chest is tense. Why does it feel like anxiety? is it my blood pressure going up?

Too bad that my watch is low on battery, cant even see my heart rate/blood pressure. This feeling is so uncomfortable. but great for working and being productive.

For a few moments, I could feel the blood rushing to my head and hands, and felt hot flushes for a awhilen too. My head felt dizzy and I kept trying to take deep breaths and hope the the EOs would help.

I wondered how high my blood pressure was to have felt that so physically.

I feel really hungry

Anxious

 I feel anxious. Like something building in my chest that feels like it's going to explode. I think that's anxiety?

Everyday I would think of Ash, everyday I would feel so anxious, thinking that she is starving, or dehydrated or that she is weak tired and lost, her humans didn't take proper care of her. She must be so tired and scared, under the hot scorching sun or shivering during a rainy storm.

After receiving a call about a possible sighting of her, I definately feel even worse. She is skittish and doesn't fly to human. She is suffering and that is worse than someone finding her.

If only she would fly to someone's house, then she would be well taken care of.

the thought of Ash still alive, flying around makes it so much worse. it has been so many weeks since she was last fed and had clean water. out in the hot sun and cold. What should I do?

All i did was sleep, and couldn't move. Like the dead. I might AS WELL BE DEAD.

Everyday i look through groups and repost. begging for anyone to call me, but to no avail.

I just realized tomorrow is my birthday and for some reason there is a phone call meeting that Jos wants me to join. I really really hope they forget my birthday.

MISSING PARTS part how the hell would I know

So this is really really annoying again. Like, we know that we shared some details, because hey someone was moody and crappy. After saying stuff to Dr Geoffrey, they checked out and I am left with the remains of what's left of the conversation.

That's just GREAT. Dr geoffrey said that we did what? what did he say ??? hello?? That we did something and then he said something else too that I don't remember. 

I can't even ask, because then we would self expose that we were checked out at that time. which feel bad, like we were not paying attention or listening to him. but of course we were listening, we just.. forgot i guess hmm.

But some words got filtered and now I kept wondering what was said. I know it's somewhere in my mind, I just need to grasp it.... I feel really curious about it. Was is something that I wouldn't like to know or hear? or something that we didn't quite agree on??

🤔

2 May 2024

 AFTER SESSION

Generally we often feel better after session. I was trying to work out some to do and plans and all that. but the laptop kept dying on us. 

We tried connecting it to our own monitor but we didn't have a usb cable because yea our laptop doesn't have a hdmi port.

It's really annoying and stupid to finally feel motivated and wanting to do something, only to face technical problems on the laptop.

I wonder if Dr Geoffrey actually wanted us to try to talk with the mother and have a proper mature discussion.

which is pretty hilarious, or should i say extremely disappointing. How the hell, would that have been acceptable.

in his own words, at that point then we are probably asking for it. asking to be slap in the face.

Try to talk and discuss with her, get slap on the face, then what? feel okay about it?

What is going on??

Maybe he doesn't know? he forgot? yes, it is obviously very hard to comprehend how disgusting a "mother" could be.

Maybe he didn't know. or there is just no way for him to understand how hopeless and painful it had all felt. it he had understood it, he wouldn't have mentioned about actually talking or having a discussion with her.

or say things like I'm doing a bad thing, to my sister.

Why is he not on our side?

I know he is, logically.

Anger is having a field day...