Hm. I am a little bit surprise that I didn't write anything during March. I guess I have been a little more busy with work recently, and I did pick up 1 or 2 new things that interests me.
Back to my favourite hobbies of crafting and diy stuff. I mean, I bought a lot of stuff, and don't have a lot of time to do all of them yet. I did start on Diamond painting and that has been absolutely horrifying and satisfying.
I just hope I don't get super obsessed over it like i sometimes does, and over do it. It's a bummer that I can't do it for too long hours because, hunching over the painting to drill in the diamond really caused a lot of discomfort on my neck. -insert eye roll-
Dr Geo mentioned something about level of trust. He thinks that we have been circling, and he often thinks that we talk a lot about non therapeutic staff. but for me, all the things that he think wasn't, doesn't seem that way for me.
I really don't feel that I don't tell them to him because I don't trust him. Sometimes I don't understand my choice of words.
I just sometimes feel that I am literally mute about it. Physically unable to open my mouth to talk about the incident. I did mentioned that I really hated the memory of it. It annoys us that we have to talk about it.
Doesn't he know? Maybe he forgot again. Can't even play a game of tic tac toe with us. He focus more on himself and therapy more then us.
Why did he said that he felt pressured to cross boundary? He just wants to make her feel bad, and now she won't even ask him anymore, because she only think of others, never us.
There are often very conflicting thoughts and emotions, it is easy to express them when I am writing, but yes, it does get somewhat confusing and uncomfortable to read about them later on, and feel like who wrote this? -insert many eye rolls-
Of course I know who wrote it. (actually I don't) well let's pretend we know, so that we don't feel so stupid.
Work is slow today, I guess that's why I am writing now. I think that, I could actually enjoy my weekend now. There isn't this insanity that eats me up during weekend like last time. I would very much like to blame it on setraline. I feel a little bit like my old self.
My old self means, getting by, passive suicide ideation, and not fully happy. I thought I could stop therapy since I am feeling better now and not actively suicidal anymore.
It makes me really uncomfortable to feel that things are better now because, well things with my mom is quite alright now. She is really spending time to make lunch for me to bring to work. Even boil herbal soup for me, well of course I had to give her extra money for that. Honestly, if not me, who else?
She recently said that the sister doesn't even bother to call her or visit her. I guess she feels sad and hurt that her older daughter don't seem to care about her. we obviously know why.
Given a chance, we would probably do the same. The saddest thing is that, she doesn't even know why.
What else could we do? I still try, to do things, for her. I think that, she is old, and unwell. I hope that she feels better if I keep trying to do better. This is when the anger part screams at the back of my mind.
Yelling and raging to stop trying to please her. but again, if not us, then who else? Anger has a lot of words to say, but we have more control now. We don't cut ourselves anymore, and don't try to think of ways to die. Even though, I do agree sometimes, but we don't act on them.
I really want her to feel better, she is our mother.
It feels like anger is behind the prison bars, unable to get out. Maybe these anger and rage aren't necessary. We really do feel bad for anger too.
It's like I need everything to seem okay, so that I don't drown in my own pain again.
I feel bad for Dr Geo, because I'm not sure if I had gotten worse. Let's think in a more positive way. It's progression because we are not actively suicidal anymore right?