clicking

I talked about something that bothered me. Something that felt a little bit like the past. Then my body froze, like I can't breath, can't escape.. so I didn't hear what he said. My brain grasp at anything that would help us escape. But of course i didnt want to really avoid it. I want to feel that I could deal with it. But we started talking abt something else. And i didn't know why. How did the subject change?

What else is new?

 So the gaming really helped. Not sure about being too hyperfocus on it, but whatever?

so of course I'm feeling bored again in office. We did have a small measly task that we could finish so easily and quickly.

I think my boss even gave up on talking to me about my attendance, because July is probably the WORST ever attendance. Like I don't even care if I got fired, not actually not caring but just really couldn't get my act together. Of course we kept wondering why he has not fired us. Maybe he is someone really nice. or maybe i am actually good at my work, but how can that be when there is barely any work at all.. lol.

I had a lot of fun playing a new game. It has help us move away from our dark thoughts, but the hurt and pain is minimally there. The new people that I am playing games with is for sure the main reason I felt better after playing it, because god knows I need some social interaction.....~

We're still hesitant about this imh thing now. 

Time to draw a line and cut the ties.

This lingering pain in us, is a sad story about trust..

I'm not update the leave summary, cause I'm afraid to see that I got no more leave left. I feel like I am unable to keep going to work, but I must...

It's my ticket, out of hell. If only we could have gotten a flat sooner.

Ash is still missing, slowly.. the posters are lesser, the fb post are not as frequent. She's just gone.. no matter what I do, I can't find her. Here I go again, overwhelm and start tearing SO ANNOYING.

I play game and forgot about everything. no work, no meds, no appointments, no pain, no sadness, no boredom. At least I am coping... what else....? I have only 1 or 2 pill left, I definately made it last longer because i forgot about everything else so I forgot to take the meds on some days.. just wondering if i should even bother going down to take meds..

There is no next appointment, well isn't it great to just get too emo and start tearing in office.. PMS for sure. dont know anymore. Kira is quite adorable.. he really made me laugh.. but Ash is still the sweetest.. just gone..

painful thoughts

 We were left abandoned. I know I said it a few times. That feeling just lingers, the feeling of hurt. The pain of not being cared for, forgotten, left alone, dismissed.

The pain of having no one that care about us. Dr Geoffrey casually just stops our appointment without even bothering to give us a call, Like we didn't matter at all.

We probably didn't because it isn't too hard to call and let us know. it only takes 60 seconds. a min. I'm sure he would he say was too busy.

When someone is too busy to spare even a minute, it really just means that they don't care. He didn't understand our anxiety, if we would have a session, if he did, he could have let us know even 1 day earlier. but no, he could only get someone else to call and inform us on that very morning.

he couldn't care less. his family and of course his little ballon of joy is his main focus. not a broken needy patient. why would he have time for her.

of course it was hard. especially with a monster in our house. that insane girl is in our head, it's like i could almost see her, the image in our head.

our mood got worse, being in this house with a monster makes it harder. we slept lesser, we forgot our meds, we couldn't go to work, we missed our appointment. and amongst all this, we still operate at the bare minimum, of finally going to work on thursday. 

So we wonder yet again, why is it not okay to die? why? why? why? We really struggled to do self care. i think we did, somehow, in some ways, i think we did...?

work or what

 I had taken my 2nd dose, and my brain is fire and wants to work,, but hold and behold there is no work to do. I tried to plan some part time work, but that was hard, and needed really just photos. I am kinda stuck with that.

Obviously we had a terrible last few weeks because of this women. Thoughts and conversations kept running through our heads and it's really exhausting.

I know there is a lot of frustration and helplessness. The emotional pain seems to be amplified and I would much rather NOT feel it. I make a conscious decision to Turn it off. It's quite funny because it reminded me of vampire diary.

Believing that he had completely forgotten about us and too busy to bother himself about our appointment, we were left with a tough pill to swallow when we found out on Tuesday that he's gone gone gone.

So much bitterness, abandonment and insecurity all related to our childhood.

The uncertainty of dinner and emotional reaction that comes with it makes us crumble with a extreme need to just die right then.

 

INTENTIONAL OR NOT

 Someone lives in my head, and she is often in a state of screaming in agony. When emotions are too much, I ran away or maybe got buried. The overwhelming certain thoughts take over.

They are very specific. Like to buy liquor, and get dumb enough to actually proceed to the take off point and jump. 

The immediate thought was to harm myself, but I didn't want to. As I was taking a call, and my mind races without my consent, it was wild enough that I would casually take the penknife and slice my wrist in anger, while calmly waiting on the line.

I sometimes really wonder how real I am, or if I am real? That thought is weird again.

There was pain pain and more pain. 

Like the world is drowning with rain, in all this pain.

it is always in vain, in vain, and in vain.

The mad feeling of being lost, as we get abandon, yet again. It's always the same, same and same.

Nothing had changed, why am we still in this place. 

No wonder really understands, that is just too much and that we really wish we could never see them.

We don't understand, why it's fun to terrorize us. Why, why, and why?

Dream

Dad is confuse, insisting he is clear on what he wants and really needed. we went to a herbal shop to find what he wanted, spelling clearly each word, and each pronunciation. something that would help with his failing health.

Time past and I lost sight of him, mom wonders around, not giving a damn about anything and eventually heads home herself. i look at the time, and it was getting late. I wondered through the shopping mall hoping to get a glimpse of him somwhere. Anxiety and panicked sets in as I thought about how he's lost and might not find a way back. I could not comprehend what happened or where he went. surely he didn't head home himself by himself and left me here panicking all alone?

I went home with a sense of doom. As I opened the door, I felt relief to see him, that he had some how mange to find his way home. it was short lived as he insisted on going out again, he had the keys and had open the door. I took time to reassure him, and comfort him, that I will surely get it next time, and it's getting too late now. All the while, making a mental note to remember not to let him have access to the keys and wondering if I could even find what he wanted. He finally conceded. 

I was somehow naked and panicking. I was told to change and my clothes had gone missing. I had some kind of towel around me, I went to hid in the room, found  someone's clothes but didn't dare to take it as that women was just outside. she was taking care of her child. I somehow manage to find my old clothes and went back to office in relief. I saw a pot of old tea and thought to throw it out, I thought I should check first before throwing it out. A random boss in his own office room had a guest, i brought the tea pot in, thinking that i should asked him before i throw it out.

I knocked on his door before entering, : "this tea..." he looks up and sees the tea, : "sure why not." misunderstanding that I was offering him tea. I realized my mistake and thought myself to be quite foolish. I replied quickly to give me a sec, and raced off to prepare tea. I searched though the somewhat untidy old school pantry and casually pops a sugar coated gummy candy. I asked around, if we had tea, and a colleague replied that of course the office had tea. I thought I was a bit defensive as I said, no one showed or mentioned it when I just joined the company. Another lady left and spilled a whole 5L of some barley water. I was preparing the tea and I see the content spilled over as she left. I went to pick up the bottle, thinking that I might some how get blamed for this. The water for my tea had just boiled, I poured it into the cup and waited "2 minutes" grateful towards that nice colleague. 

Idiotic Mother

 This women lives in our house, and thinks she reigns like a queen

Her pride and ego defies all, adding in her fantasies gore.

Her cruelty and sinister ways, lets her live in all ways.

Now she had grown old, like a lost sicken soul.

If you ever pissed her off, she makes you pay like hell, even now.

She is disguised as a frail old lady, that would only lead to your demised.

There is no escape, no matter how much time is gone...

Forever in this house, like a useless puppet toy... for their pleasure, for their lust, even on a small child..

AN IDIOTIC CS

 As the time ticks down, our anxiety grew.

Yet we still sat unmoving, a little slouch on this chair.

Our brain mindlessly watch, the story on the screen.

We had a nagging brief thought, that we couldn't really see.

More like, didn't really want to see...

The dragging feeling, heaviness, pressure.

"what are you feeling right now?"

"nothing" we don't want to feel.

"nothing" is really better.

"nothing" is really safer, but it's not, is what we were told.

It reminded us of that time, when we sat quietly watching them. Feeling safe in our little cave.

They were so far, and quiet, we didn't feel the pain.

"it's better, to face them. So that we can heal and feel less fear" is what we were told.

We think he lies, our time had already past.

He's gone, and it's always not us, never will be us..

QUICK TEARS

 Casually sorting and filing the numerous files on my desktop because I can, thanks to the meds. A power point file with no title, simply "New Microsoft Power Point Presentation" with the little power point logo,  sat on the desktop in a very inconspicuous way.

It was something that quickly bought tears to my eyes, because it is a written note, saying goodbye to my therapist. The feeling of having had enough and wanting to die, and leaving a last note to let him know that we had experienced his kindness and warmth in this cold and harsh world.

ELIMINATION

I read about this Elimination post and that is quite interesting. It talks about feeling of elimination as we get older, feeling/getting eliminated from workplace, society, family, and eventually earth. It is the process of life and we do not need to be sad or mourn because this is the way of life and everyone goes through this path.

The usual quote, live life to the fullest/ in the moment, let go of clinging past sense of pride/watever.

Isn't it so funny? That at the age of 35 we are already trying to eliminate ourselves.

The logical part of us knows all this logically, we kept thinking how we used to be confident and happy(?) when we were younger.

For some reason, there is this emotional part of us that I couldn't handle anymore.

I think therapy has taught me that these has been caused by the trauma we had experienced, and that we are still reacting based on past experiences.

We need reminders that some negative thoughts or emotions has been placed there, not what we intended but had happened.

Well, good to know I am not throwing chunks of money for nothing... 

is it okay to just avoid it and eventually never need to face it anymore? Let's double down. Does that work?

HEADACHES

 I've been having headaches every time I take Ratalin. I'm not sure why. or could it have been the supplements that I am taking that are causing the headaches? I really don't know.

My head really hurts though, I had SO much sleep yesterday, that it couldn't even have been caused by tiredness.

I do feel tired of feeling this way. I don't know why I feel tired of therapy. Maybe feeling like I was being reprimanded really feels bad.

Especially when he is going to leave us anyway.. I bet 100% that he would not even tell us if we would be re contract, maybe someone else deserve our slots more..

I feel like I am afraid that I am doing badly and so he is now frustrated with us, and is going to abandon us soon...

MEDICATION

 I stopped Ratalin for the past 3 days, and I took 1 today. It feels like too much, and my jaws, chest is tense. Why does it feel like anxiety? is it my blood pressure going up?

Too bad that my watch is low on battery, cant even see my heart rate/blood pressure. This feeling is so uncomfortable. but great for working and being productive.

For a few moments, I could feel the blood rushing to my head and hands, and felt hot flushes for a awhilen too. My head felt dizzy and I kept trying to take deep breaths and hope the the EOs would help.

I wondered how high my blood pressure was to have felt that so physically.

I feel really hungry

Anxious

 I feel anxious. Like something building in my chest that feels like it's going to explode. I think that's anxiety?

Everyday I would think of Ash, everyday I would feel so anxious, thinking that she is starving, or dehydrated or that she is weak tired and lost, her humans didn't take proper care of her. She must be so tired and scared, under the hot scorching sun or shivering during a rainy storm.

After receiving a call about a possible sighting of her, I definately feel even worse. She is skittish and doesn't fly to human. She is suffering and that is worse than someone finding her.

If only she would fly to someone's house, then she would be well taken care of.

the thought of Ash still alive, flying around makes it so much worse. it has been so many weeks since she was last fed and had clean water. out in the hot sun and cold. What should I do?

All i did was sleep, and couldn't move. Like the dead. I might AS WELL BE DEAD.

Everyday i look through groups and repost. begging for anyone to call me, but to no avail.

I just realized tomorrow is my birthday and for some reason there is a phone call meeting that Jos wants me to join. I really really hope they forget my birthday.

MISSING PARTS part how the hell would I know

So this is really really annoying again. Like, we know that we shared some details, because hey someone was moody and crappy. After saying stuff to Dr Geoffrey, they checked out and I am left with the remains of what's left of the conversation.

That's just GREAT. Dr geoffrey said that we did what? what did he say ??? hello?? That we did something and then he said something else too that I don't remember. 

I can't even ask, because then we would self expose that we were checked out at that time. which feel bad, like we were not paying attention or listening to him. but of course we were listening, we just.. forgot i guess hmm.

But some words got filtered and now I kept wondering what was said. I know it's somewhere in my mind, I just need to grasp it.... I feel really curious about it. Was is something that I wouldn't like to know or hear? or something that we didn't quite agree on??

🤔

2 May 2024

 AFTER SESSION

Generally we often feel better after session. I was trying to work out some to do and plans and all that. but the laptop kept dying on us. 

We tried connecting it to our own monitor but we didn't have a usb cable because yea our laptop doesn't have a hdmi port.

It's really annoying and stupid to finally feel motivated and wanting to do something, only to face technical problems on the laptop.

I wonder if Dr Geoffrey actually wanted us to try to talk with the mother and have a proper mature discussion.

which is pretty hilarious, or should i say extremely disappointing. How the hell, would that have been acceptable.

in his own words, at that point then we are probably asking for it. asking to be slap in the face.

Try to talk and discuss with her, get slap on the face, then what? feel okay about it?

What is going on??

Maybe he doesn't know? he forgot? yes, it is obviously very hard to comprehend how disgusting a "mother" could be.

Maybe he didn't know. or there is just no way for him to understand how hopeless and painful it had all felt. it he had understood it, he wouldn't have mentioned about actually talking or having a discussion with her.

or say things like I'm doing a bad thing, to my sister.

Why is he not on our side?

I know he is, logically.

Anger is having a field day...

ANGER

 Our mother screamed at us. money money money, everything is about money, everything is about HER happiness. 0 compassion, 0 empathy. abusive, and simply the worse of the worse.

Her casual cruelty is HATEFUL. Even the death of her daughter would eventually give her more FREEDOM.

Such people should not be allowed to breed. Such terror should not exist in this world. But of course this IS what the world is, something that I had known and question even ten years ago. 

Seems pointless to bring this up. The Anger felt overwhelming. The urge to find somewhere to die.

To go up and fall off.

To cut and bleed to death.

Let's apply what was discussed in therapy:

try to understand that I am going through hard time, that it's hard, and it's okay to feel this bad.

huh?why?why should we feel this way? why should we keep getting hurt and feeling pain all over again and again, over and over again. WHY?

Why should we try to understand?

plans and goals. plan that is helpful, yes it WOULD be helpful to simply die. that WILL change my life to the better. To exist in such a pathetic and miserable way, not existing IS better.

Let's try again: we have been working hard, to feel better, and we had made progress.

Working so hard for what exactly? to get bullied? to get scream at and be blame for every single fucking thing? to be reminded that we are useless and worthless and nothing we do is good enough?

Then WHY shouldn't we DIE? What's so hard to understand here?

HELPLESS

 We felt quite helpless, Ash is gone and we can't find her. She is less than 2 years old, but she is gone because of the stupidity of human.

I'm not sure if I should be more angry at myself or the helper. I shouldn't have trusted someone else with Ash's life.

I think it's my fault more than anything, but I really resent this helper now because Ash missing is something very preventable and I hate all the circumstances in this house that caused us Ash.

We hate the mother, and the helper.

Hate. Such a strange unhelpful but strong emotion.

Moody

 We had been so moody for the past weeks. Not sure how to shake it off. I didn't think it could get worse until we found out that Ash had gone missing.

Ash seems to be gone for good. The sweet lovely Ash is gone. The quiet but funny, playful Ash is gone.

I'm not sure if I should blame myself more or mee thin more. Now I hate her, and I feel bad for feeling that.

I feel bad that I can't be who I should be towards her. I feel a lot of resentment and anger towards her but I'm not used to expressing it, and I don't want to express it because I don't want her to feel bad too.

So I just bottle up all the sadness in me. When we seriously think about dying again, we count the number of things that matter to us and try to remember them. Sometimes we are angry enough to want to just throw away everything, but dr geoffrey, does what he does. annoyingly comforting us and encouraging us, which feels nice, but weird at the same time.

Sometimes we look at him and wonder why is he being so nice., I wonder how is he so patience.

Maybe because we never really experience that when we grew up, a harsh respond is usually what we get.

many times recently pictures and images kept forcing their way into our minds. Seeing a picture makes us angry and that overwhelming sense in us drives me crazy. I suddenly wonder, why am I so scared?

APRIL FOOL

 We were very mad on the weekends. the anxiety eats at us, and when my dad's friend finally decided not to help, we snapped.

We were exhausted and mad. all the voices and images ran through our mind, making us spiral down into the chaos of broken memories.

all the what, why, and how kept repeating in our minds, the feeling of rage kept rising and the Anger buried us and finally takes over.

We finally stopped crying, and occasional sob escaped and the Anger snuffed it out, angrily.

There was a chillness when Anger thinks about death, and some of us starts to protest.

We watched silently, and felt a little bit scared.

22nd March 2024

 We felt better when we had a session last week. Which then now reminded us again that these sessions are going to end during October. So, it IS hopeless and pointless.

I read the symptom's of caregiver's burnout, some of them being crying more often, feeling guilty and all that.

We had reach a point of not crying since long time ago anyway. We are often quite familiar with not crying and simply functioning for the sake of it. I wonder if that is a good or bad thing. We are used to just being kinda dissociated and sometimes not really being there. 

The very deep pain and hurt can simply be buried and thrown away. Which then lead us to feeling depressed and suicidal and not knowing why.

isn't that weird? 

Maybe the more we bury them, the harder it is to feel happiness. The thoughts of simply dying these days keeps coming up and they are quite relentless.

Maybe the problem is not knowing what to do with all these Anger. We were told that it was okay to be Angry. Sometimes I am, but that is very hard to handle. Maybe because we never HAD to deal with her.

Some times we argue a lot in our head, sometimes she makes a lot of noise when Dr Geoffrey says something. My brain feels like it doesn't have so much capacity. Some times we want to listen to Anger, and think that She IS right, and all this is enough. That we've had enough.

This image wouldn't leave us, like there's nothing I can do about it. stop showing me that...

MOODY

 So our mood is really low these days. Doesn't take a genius to figure out why. I really wished that he could tell us all these information bit by bit. or maybe he did but it still feels a lot.

There's a heaviness knowing that he had been married a long time, knowing that he is expecting a child, feeling like he's just going to cut us off soon.

We just want a little bit of his time. once a week 50mins. Why is that too much to ask?

Okay, the hard truth is, we want to be that wife, or that child. We want to be that someone who matter.

We want to be cared for, or want someone to love us.

He reminded us that there could be more, and it started to feel like we could want more. We are still dancing around that idea.

Why is he going to abandon us now. or in 6 months time. So the stupid thing is that he didn't say it's going to end, but the emotional part of me is just convinced that he would leave with all sorts of reasons.

self fulfilling prophecy, everyone will leave us eventually. nothing good will happen to us. yup. i think i really do believe that. how could anyone love us when even our mother couldn't love us or my sister just treating us like nothing. how did she make me feel? i said an ant, but another word came up and I didn't dare say it. it's a toy. like a broken rugged toy for people to play with. A lifeless doll, that gives people sick satisfaction and pleasure. am I just a toy?

Where did the list of question go. they went missing.

DOOMSDAY

 There is a sense of impending doom, and that is of course exaggerated. We voiced out our fear of abandonment, and as if to confirm our fears he then told us that there was a contract, and it ends on October.

It did not feel like assurance, more like a reminder that this too will end. Of course it was said oh we will discuss when the time comes, and decide where to go from there.

Why do I feel like we are going to be betrayed? Like we trusted him, but now he's going to abandon us.

Like everyone else in our so called family. I guess you can't be abandon if it's something you never had, except for her.

All these respond of course doesn't make sense.

An image of a helpless child crying pops into our head.

The Anger is scary. so scary. Our mood swings and still I have to maintain a mask in office.

The logical side of me thinks that, yes, when the time comes, we will talk about it and decide from there even though the emotional part of me already feel or "know" that session will end during October, Dr Geoffrey will say he thinks he cant help us anymore and give a bunch of reason.

For a short and wild moment, part of us think that we should just die already and start planning for it. We don't want to die when he is expecting a child. We don't want news of our death to loom around his moments of happiness, then again, we probably don't matter that much for him to be affected at all. Then we thought maybe we could die and be reincarnated as his child. This seems to convinced Anger that we should definitely start planning to die. I think this whole thought process is just simply too wild for it to actually exist in my mind.

I would be terribly ashamed and embarrassed if I actually read this to Dr Geoffrey. but maybe this is something that should be shared, who knows!!

Not gona lie, I actually started laughing at Anger's thought. I am a bit glad that I can laugh about it and lessen the darkness of these thoughts. As if it's a big joke.

I think about popping a 3rd pill, but I stopped myself. I could really see how easy it is to get addicted to adhd meds.  I barely felt anything on the first pop, and I pop 2nd one shortly after. I think writing helps because hey, Dr Geoffrey is married for a long time and is expecting a baby soon. then he is going to abandon us shortly after.

he will see less and less of us, until he thinks it's safe to cut us off.

Wishing for a bubble

 So when the medication wears off, i get bored bored and bored. still I had already taken my 2nd half of my meds and it feels like i could handle 1 tab maybe, but that would last too short.

Reading the notes from the doctor puts me at a bad place. Like the bubbles finally bursting and what's left is the emptiness.

A hard reality check, with words shouting at us that he is declining, and he would be gone soon.

Just not too long ago, I was even feeling resentful and wishing more from him for when I was younger.

but the truth is, he had a even more miserable and sad life really. all because of getting married to a wrong person and choosing not to divorce is just the biggest mistake for everyone except her i guess.

I wanted to write a long list of what I was resentful about, but I am too tired or lazy to even complain. Like why does it even matter.

Why does anything matter. wow. When will I ever recover from depression? is this still depression or am I just permanently not able to feel happiness anymore. well i am sure there is. self fulfilling prophecy, hmm interesting. yes i think i do have that, feeling like i would just never be happy again. Dr Geoffrey was just slightly off the mark.

Recently I had spent some time imagining or thinking about what would make me happy. I know that being love and feeling wanted would make me happy. well duh, obviously. but i don't want to rely on someone for my happiness though, that's just wierd and unhealthy and would probably lead me down to a possesive and obsessive relationship. I want to be able to BE happy, with me, and THEN have someone to share our life. It's not like I have never been happy before, right?

But WHY is she gone? Why is there just Anger left? doubting and hating those that hurt her and feeling insecure unsafe and unwanted. What should I do with HER?

Idealized reality

 As my adhd meds kicks in.

My brain finally starts working.

Here's a cheer to our Idealized Reality

All the almost perfection endless scrolling

So here's a seemly happy picture of me

who suffers from depression for eternity.

Would probably die without therapy.

Yet strangely, suppose to look happy.

how many likes, and how many hearts

someone to finally acknowledges us!

So another cheer, this time for the crazies.

Let this place be, here I am, a celebrity wannabe.

Jokes aside, no one is THAT happy, and that is perfectly.. okie!

#realsmile 

SOCIAL MEDIA

 Being back on social media felt so strange.

All the beauty and pretty things reminded us of the living.

A random ig post brings us back to reality.

It reminded us again how far away we had been.

All this self-love and self-growth, honestly makes a wounded child grin.

The stupidity of what’s beneath, no one can even see.

Let go of this pain? Again, why should we?

I hold on to her pain, so I’m always here for WE.

I rolled my eyes as I got ready.

The messages would probably roll in.

I’m fine, She’s fine, We’re fine, and the white lies begin!

doppelgänger

 A shocking yet strange encounter. The resemblance is uncanny. I ignore it the first few times, but of course I couldn't stay away. How could I?

A gentle soothing voice, like soft wind passing through our ears. 

A Mannerism so familiar, like the Teddy bear that's so dear.

The deep desire pulled him into our dreams. 

There was so much love that it filled us to the brim

A dream in a dream, the lighted candles slowly dim

An evil twin slip in, the day and night echoes within

Everything stays between us. Wicked scream or pathetic dream.

The women grin as we ran, unseen.

The living is annoying, if only we could dream and never again be seen.

MIA

 I've made a lot of choices, and they don't sit well with me.

It was hard to cancel, it was hard when people cancel but I shrugged it off. My emotional reaction was goodbye. Now it's not like that anymore, I didn't reply after too many times. I just let her come to me when she is ready, which honestly, probably another 10 years later.

I said no to Chelsa, even though I was the one who initiated it. I was sad actually and wished I could have went to her house. I dislike myself for isolating so much. The truth is I do want these connections.

As I struggle in going back to the norms, I still struggle with who I am now.

Why is she gone? Why have I changed? Did I changed or is the truth of myself?

Years of memories flashing in my mind, years of ignoring it and shrugging it off.

Pain of feeling that I had missed out a lot. Why was I never someone motivated and engaged? I always had such low energy. Did I had those times, or had they passed me by already?

I don't think that age is the matter here. It's not even being able to make the effort anymore.

I fell off my bed twice, once getting a bruise on my knee, another times i scratched my heels and it bled.

I left my wallet on my chair, yet it's on my bed when I woke up. Often I looked at something in puzzlement, not knowing why I had it, or what had caused it.

Feeling like I don't fully exist, or wishing that someone could take over. Why is she gone?

2 dumb fks

 It's very frustrating to think that I would be having a session only to find out how stupid the patient and therapist was.

There was obviously no next week.

We spent the whole week thinking that we would feel better after a session, trying to hangon, only to realize that there was no session at all.

The anger and frustration hits us, and makes us mad (again). tempting to cut, and stop, thinking to cut, and stop. we finally did cut a little, and then stop, again.

It's like our body goes into fight or flight mode, we tense, we felt dread. We felt like dying. is this what it means for trauma to still live in our body?

Dr Geoffrey says we keep living the trauma again, like we have a choice not to live through it again. Saying that we didn't have to give them the power. Not let them have the power to still do that to us.

That's not the point though. There's still anger, and what should we do with the anger?

Acknowledging the Anger doesn't make Her go away. Why does Dr Geoffrey keep thinking that we should just let go of Anger? What's going to happen to her?

It felt like it's our own fault, for not being able to let go. He doesn't understand our pain.

We hold on to our pain because it protects us from her. It's better to die than to see or hear her again.

A CIRCLE

 So here we go again, after a much difficult January, we are now in the process of feeling better again. 

We still occasionally think of the different methods, but not as strongly now. Which is annoying, but i guess it's suppose to be a good thing.

I bought new clothes, like I am going visiting during CNY, but we are not going.

We struggle with a lot of anxiety, everytime we think how we should hide ourselves during cny.

Which is of course a stupid thing, but I think I am suppose to acknowledge the unease I feel if she comes.

It's crazy to realize how much better I feel after taking the meds. I don't dread work as much, I don't feel that boredom so much anymore. The boredom that eats at me and drives me crazy, that feeling is gone.

How can I now work properly without so much frustration and pain? is it really as simple as having my adhdmeds. that's just crazy. It really makes one wonder how different my life could be if we had help earlier. I could have led a normal life..

like the IQ test that I took, and deemed it too boring and frustrating that I simply didn't care to finish it.

LALA LAND

 I took more then half, I am on 1 tab now. I liked it.

I realized that these days as I started drowning, I was still aware that he was there. It felt bad and rude to completely ignore him, so as I was drowning, I struggled to stay afloat, so that I don't completely lose myself.

As we were drowning, we heard his faint voice, softly speaking to us that he was there, and I am not alone. That he would like to help us. Anger took a peek at him, feeling somewhat better.

We are unsure of this person seating in front of us. Uncertain of the hope that he keeps throwing at us when our suicidal thoughts increase.

He doesn't understand that all this is just a cycle. we forgot again, and got hurt, again. This will keep repeating.

The solution is for us to die, so that we don't need to see or hear them anymore. Then he will just say that's a trauma respond. #inserteyeroll

Or he will say there's a better solution, I know that, that's why I am in therapy.

He keeps saying that we are holding on to the pain, it is because if we don't hold on to them, we would forget, and then we would get hurt again. and it's not as simple as just letting them go.

Afterall we had buried and forgot about it for so long.

The ironic part is that I had believed that if no one in this world could love me, then I would be the one to love myself the most. I let go, because i don't want to hold on to pain. This applies to every relationship I had. 

I think it's rather unfair that because Anger is childish and destructive,  I had to be the one that claims Anger is me. That's just so dumb.