ANGER

 Our mother screamed at us. money money money, everything is about money, everything is about HER happiness. 0 compassion, 0 empathy. abusive, and simply the worse of the worse.

Her casual cruelty is HATEFUL. Even the death of her daughter would eventually give her more FREEDOM.

Such people should not be allowed to breed. Such terror should not exist in this world. But of course this IS what the world is, something that I had known and question even ten years ago. 

Seems pointless to bring this up. The Anger felt overwhelming. The urge to find somewhere to die.

To go up and fall off.

To cut and bleed to death.

Let's apply what was discussed in therapy:

try to understand that I am going through hard time, that it's hard, and it's okay to feel this bad.

huh?why?why should we feel this way? why should we keep getting hurt and feeling pain all over again and again, over and over again. WHY?

Why should we try to understand?

plans and goals. plan that is helpful, yes it WOULD be helpful to simply die. that WILL change my life to the better. To exist in such a pathetic and miserable way, not existing IS better.

Let's try again: we have been working hard, to feel better, and we had made progress.

Working so hard for what exactly? to get bullied? to get scream at and be blame for every single fucking thing? to be reminded that we are useless and worthless and nothing we do is good enough?

Then WHY shouldn't we DIE? What's so hard to understand here?