New Kind of Torture

Extreme boredom. Sleepy, and tired. My adhd brain is not working at all... brain fog.

Hey anger has not talked much these days, what's up with you.

Thinking carefully about what to buy for him, we are not really happy with him. EVEN if he is a nice guy and caring, but all this leads to a lot of uncertainty and it could bring more pain for us in the future.

He doesn't understand how all this is just a cycle. We will fail again soon, and the cycle of pain will never end. but it was really nice to have someone cared about us. Like for once, we actually matter.. 

Dreams - In the depths of water and getting shot.

 I was tricked into the pond, he had stuff that was attached to me and that caused the piranhas to swarm and attack me. I panicked and felt the cold teeths sinking into my flesh. My heart wrenched as I realized what he had done to me, he wanted me to die. 

I screamed for help. Miraculously, someone pulled me out and I survived. I ran back home and face him square in the face. I want to see how he could face me, after what he had done.

His hands shook as he held the gun towards me. His coldness and cruelty makes me crawl. He seemed to hesitate, but fired the gun and I panicked. My shoulder was hit. I started to bleed as I fall to the ground, I still did not take my eyes off him. My accusing pained eyes stared at him as I held my bleeding arms. I was sure, that I was not tearing..

I called the police as I continue to stare at him, the police could not comprehend the seriousness of what happened and ask meaningless question and that, was wasting time. I did not want him to get away.

I yelled that I had been shot, someone in the house has a gun, GET HERE FAST. That finally got their attention and they started firing orders to dispatch someone here.

His body shook and finally he seem to have regain some conscious. He covered his face as he sunk to the ground, as if what he had done finally hits him.

12 Jan 2022 Journal

The anger was quite prominent for the last 2 weeks. I have an idea why. I was quite overwhelmed with the emotions so I started cutting myself again.

I was quite disappointed, I haven't harm myself for the whole month of Dec. Maybe with the thought of dying soon on christmas day, just make it seem a relief, and that makes me feel like I don't need to cut myself anymore?

I could tell that Lawrence is really skilled and good at what he does. I guess a specialise trauma therapist is really good for me? He had really helped me deal with Anger a lot, I also felt that he could deal with us when I was dissociating. Well, obviously I don't really remember (roll eyes) but I just had a sense of feeling safe when I was out of it.

Quite a vast difference with Michael. I guess someone who doesn't do trauma therapy often just isn't better equipped to help me.

I've never imagined that Lawrence would be able to helped me so much. Well, I'm really glad that he hasn't bring up that incident since I spaced out last time. I'm really good with that.

He is so opened with Anger, it really helps that we addressed Anger as a 3rd person. After the session though, I can't help wondering is it weird??? to be talking about anger as a 3rd person. I'm pretty sure I don't have d.i.d. Maybe just the other non specific d.d..

We really missed Dr G. there is a kind of pain associated with him, and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's the transference. I really don't mean to, but part of us begins to think of ways to make him uncomfortable. but WHY though? why do we do that? we obviously like him, I guess we are feeling petty and mischievous. will he drop us?

we waited half a year for therapy sessions. why shouldn't we feel anger? Anger is really trying very hard to be heard.  I feel like I just cant ignore her..

SHATTERED PIECES OF THIS AND THAT

 It's just, too weird. First, I found a voice record of myself. No matter how hard I try, I don't have any memory of recording that. What I said, didn't make sense, I tried very hard to trace back to that day, but couldn't really find anything conclusive.

Even though it's a recording made during 2018,but wouldn't we usually have a slight reminder of it, and what surrounds it? I scroll through every recording, and always have a sort of an idea what was the recording for, or what/who was it about or with us.

Just, 0 memory of it, and it bothers me. Well, I guess, what else can I say, I just have a really bad memory.

I mean, I start recalling strange stuff from last time that I didn't bothered or dismissed. Like how people constantly sees me and recognize me from a website when I was a teenager. The point is that, it wasn't just one or two, but really a number of people would see me and talk to me? to the point where my friend asked me if I did actually posted a picture of myself online. WEIRD. I never bothered or dismiss them simply thinking well they got the wrong person, or someone else uploaded my photo???? WEIRD AGAIN.

I could gladly say that this happened less frequent, but there were occasions when people did see me and wave to me, talked to me. but I actually didn't know who they were. I think it happened less then 5 times. I just felt bad for forgetting who they were..  =x

What prompt me to write about this was because of last night... It's creepy, but I guess I somehow woke up, and not sure what I was planning to do or want, but I accidentally trip or hit the end of my metal bed frame. It woke me up? I was in a daze feeling the pain on my feet, I didn't know why I was standing up, or I don't remember what I wanted to do for getting up? I kept trying to recall what was it that I wanted to do, but I don't remember, I'm not sure if I woke up while I was standing? or if I woke up to do something and forgot what was it? I look around in utter confusion. No memory of what I was doing awake or what I wanted to do or how I hit my feet.

It's not like I have ever sleepwalk. I don't feel that I had sleepwalked? It wasn't a lucid dream too. I was awake, just confused, and went back to sleep still feeling confuse and acutely aware of the pain on my feet, wondering if there would be a bruise on it. Maybe it was a dream?????

I keep getting more and more confuse, like I don't know what is wrong with me....

 

9 Jan 2023

 We have been pretty out of it, like we don't know what to do. Or rather I, don't know what to do with this anger, and frustration.

I mean, how exactly are we suppose to do this? We, STILL don't know. What are we missing? Are we not trying hard enough to get better? I just don't know HOW or WHAT we should do.

Just when we feel the slightest bit of hope, our sessions got pulled out. Regardless of how we tried to communicate that we thought therapy sessions would be more helpful to us. but guess what, no one LISTENS to us.

So we got more angry. because we hoped, and then felt disappointed. like we shouldn't even have felt hoped in the first place!

Why the hell do we keep struggling? We feel lost, like we just need someone to TELL us what to do, and Michael goes: you shouldn't been feeling this way if we have acknowledged what is.

WELL what did HE MEAN? does all these years of hate and anger, resentment just DISAPPEAR after acknowledging what happened? shouldn't we need to work it out and learn to change ourselves? why the fuck did he think that we shouldn't be feeling THIS WAY.

So fucking annoyed. The suicidal thoughts keeps coming back, because we feel sick of constantly feeling like this.

Anger taunts and laughs at me. 

01 Jan 2023

 It's a new year. Michael no longer has access to this blog. I don't think he should.

It's been awhile since I wrote. I was suicidal, then feeling better. A little overwhelmed now. I wonder if it's because we missed a session with Dr G last week.

It's really hard. We have a lot of annoyance and resentment for him, because we are not dead as planned.

We briefly wondered if we made a mistake when that women keeps making us miserable. 

Anger slowly creeps back in. Anger wants to scream, at us. Anger wants to be heard. Anger likes Dr G, but also dislike him. Anger is childish, and wants to play a prank on him.

I feel caught in between, like I don't know what to do.