MIA

 I've made a lot of choices, and they don't sit well with me.

It was hard to cancel, it was hard when people cancel but I shrugged it off. My emotional reaction was goodbye. Now it's not like that anymore, I didn't reply after too many times. I just let her come to me when she is ready, which honestly, probably another 10 years later.

I said no to Chelsa, even though I was the one who initiated it. I was sad actually and wished I could have went to her house. I dislike myself for isolating so much. The truth is I do want these connections.

As I struggle in going back to the norms, I still struggle with who I am now.

Why is she gone? Why have I changed? Did I changed or is the truth of myself?

Years of memories flashing in my mind, years of ignoring it and shrugging it off.

Pain of feeling that I had missed out a lot. Why was I never someone motivated and engaged? I always had such low energy. Did I had those times, or had they passed me by already?

I don't think that age is the matter here. It's not even being able to make the effort anymore.

I fell off my bed twice, once getting a bruise on my knee, another times i scratched my heels and it bled.

I left my wallet on my chair, yet it's on my bed when I woke up. Often I looked at something in puzzlement, not knowing why I had it, or what had caused it.

Feeling like I don't fully exist, or wishing that someone could take over. Why is she gone?