DOOMSDAY

 There is a sense of impending doom, and that is of course exaggerated. We voiced out our fear of abandonment, and as if to confirm our fears he then told us that there was a contract, and it ends on October.

It did not feel like assurance, more like a reminder that this too will end. Of course it was said oh we will discuss when the time comes, and decide where to go from there.

Why do I feel like we are going to be betrayed? Like we trusted him, but now he's going to abandon us.

Like everyone else in our so called family. I guess you can't be abandon if it's something you never had, except for her.

All these respond of course doesn't make sense.

An image of a helpless child crying pops into our head.

The Anger is scary. so scary. Our mood swings and still I have to maintain a mask in office.

The logical side of me thinks that, yes, when the time comes, we will talk about it and decide from there even though the emotional part of me already feel or "know" that session will end during October, Dr Geoffrey will say he thinks he cant help us anymore and give a bunch of reason.

For a short and wild moment, part of us think that we should just die already and start planning for it. We don't want to die when he is expecting a child. We don't want news of our death to loom around his moments of happiness, then again, we probably don't matter that much for him to be affected at all. Then we thought maybe we could die and be reincarnated as his child. This seems to convinced Anger that we should definitely start planning to die. I think this whole thought process is just simply too wild for it to actually exist in my mind.

I would be terribly ashamed and embarrassed if I actually read this to Dr Geoffrey. but maybe this is something that should be shared, who knows!!

Not gona lie, I actually started laughing at Anger's thought. I am a bit glad that I can laugh about it and lessen the darkness of these thoughts. As if it's a big joke.

I think about popping a 3rd pill, but I stopped myself. I could really see how easy it is to get addicted to adhd meds.  I barely felt anything on the first pop, and I pop 2nd one shortly after. I think writing helps because hey, Dr Geoffrey is married for a long time and is expecting a baby soon. then he is going to abandon us shortly after.

he will see less and less of us, until he thinks it's safe to cut us off.