Dinner yesterday was quite tiring because my mom wouldn't stop complaining about something that I don't even remember what was it about. I was able to just pretend to nod my head and agree with whatever that she was saying while not really listening and just focusing on my dinner.
It feels like the suicidal part has really calm down a lot. Last time I would start to get agitated and think of going out to kill myself. Which was what happen last month even though I failed.
I'm no longer actively suicidal. I'm not sure what to feel about this. The angry part doesn't start to overwhelm me. She's so mellow now. I wonder how long will this last. If I have acknowledge all this years of abuse and what I had been missing from my life while growing up, I wonder what's next?
I always feel like there is no constructive plan in our therapy session. I think my counselor did mention it, I probably forgot.
Last night I noticed that my cuts are healing. I briefly thought of hurting myself again. I played videos and pulled my mind out of it, then went to bed. Every time the memory slips it, I try to pull myself away. It's only hard when I can't stop replaying the memory of it. Only then, I clutch my fist or head in misery. I don't cry, just hate and misery.
I honestly don't know why I told Michael so much. I wonder if he is experience in trauma therapy. Is what I am experiencing a kind of trauma? I think he is always attentive and listens well. I really appreciate when he was able to recall some details that I told him, even though he did get 1 small detail wrong. but I could tell he really listened and remembered. Which I feel quite grateful. When I noticed that he doesn't seem to take notes, I always wondered if he even remember anything that I told him.
I think I had been wondering if I should mentioned that our mother used to hit us. So eventually I did told him. I was concern with my self harm because I felt that it was getting out of hand, I just shouldn't have mentioned what caused it. Maybe I did wanted to tell him at some point so that we can heal. I just didn't expect to suddenly say it last session. Actually I'm not sure if I would really had told him since I honestly don't feel like I could tell anyone about it.
It really threw me off when we mentioned that incident. Why even bother saying it if I'm not going to talk about it. o.o||
I wonder if he will ask or prompt me about it. He has always been so relax. Always just waiting for me to say what I feel comfortable saying. But. we. will. not. speak. of. it. I think.
Work is super boring today, I got absolutely nothing to do. 😒
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