I felt like I wanted to sink and talk about a lot of stuff. But they were too dark. I recall the counselor words, find something exciting and even added in a smiley face.
Just go out for walks, go for runs, just snap out of it? Is it so simple?????
I still feel obligated to at least do or write some things that are not negative or at least neutral, something that shows that I am trying (trying what?)
(honestly there is really nothing exciting to write, so I could not do that)
2 things, that I was constantly being told/reminded to do. Friends and activities.
I texted some of my dear colleagues from kms, just asking how they have been, getting in touch with people. and also ask if there are any class/activities that they are attending or that I could join.
I also texted this guy from cnb, that I have ghosted many times lol. He's a nice guy, I apologize for ghosting him constantly and told him honestly that it was because I was dealing with depression. Well, to be honest, I just threw that in, half expecting him to run the other way. But he didn't. Talk to me a lot and was quite encouraging. That was interesting.
We were kinda encouraging each other, talking about stuff, and I mentioned that I thought of starting to clock in some exercise too. I just received a text from him, asking me to show proof with a wink smiley face. I smiled a couple of times when we were chatting.
I tidy up and clean my desk. Burn some sages to clear this stifling air. It all felt pretty good.
I was trying to look to for my primary school report book since the imh doctor requested for it, I couldn't find it. I do remember some words written by the teachers then. 'xxx is a shy and soft spoken girl. something like that. later it progress to something along on 'frequent careless mistake and need to take my study more seriously' I think this was in secondary school.
Anyway, instead of finding my report book, I found a lot of other stuffs that... was quite upsetting maybe.
First is the cert for my engagement ring. I think it cost around $4k+. I've thought a few times if I should sell it, but I just couldn't.
Next thing I found.. is, a lot a lot of books.. Many of them are all Buddhism related books. It really hurt, because I was so fond of studying them. When I was passively suicidal, it had never crossed my mind to really kill myself, because all life form is precious, and life as a human is even more precious. That's why even when I had thoughts, it never seem like it was an option. I still just kept struggling on.
Yet, I had fallen so far. It's just so hard to comprehend this drastic change. It hurts that I have forgotten all the teachings, all the misery and suffering, I should understand it. I just let myself sunk, until I just couldn't make sense of anything else but the pain.
Well, there goes the plan to write something positive. Couldn't even do that. -roll eyes-
I'll go clock my 30mins of exercise now. :-]
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