6.15pm started exercise, I told myself that I would do cardio until 6.35 then I said why not just pushed it just 5 more mins. That 1 min felt really long. Just when it hit 6.40, I turned on my favorite BTS motivational music, and decided that I could run around for another10mins. I jog slowly home and my nephew saw that I was exercising, and said he needed to exercise too.
I spent another 10mins playing songs and jumping around with him. That was really fun, he kept trying to talk about this game that he was playing while moving around slowly. I said," faster Kaen, FASTER" and laughed. He picked up speed and ran faster. It felt really funny that I was motivating someone else.
When was the last time I really laughed and smiled?
After dinner, the kids and I squeezed into the 2 seater sofa to play some Netflix show. I could feel Kaelyn right beside me, I felt some comfort from her closeness.
I know that they like to hang out around me, so did I. I always find it strange how Kaelyn likes to stick with me when she was younger.
They argued, didn't want to leave. play rock paper scissors. bla bla bla. Kaelyn stayed a little longer, Kaen sulk and pouted. It was all rather endearing.
When they were a lot younger, I constantly distance myself from them since I didn't like their mother. I always feel bad when they were disappointed that I didn't turn up in some events. I would declined to join when they want to go for walks, for me it was because my sister was there.
Eventually, I just couldn't keep disappointing them, and decided to fully engage with them. They shouldn't feel rejected just because I didn't like my sister. That was unfair to them. In some ways, they did a lot of good for me too.
So, was exercising suppose to help? I know now that it helps at the moment, but it doesn't drive away the flashbacks. I couldn't stop it. It almost felt like I was going through it again and it drives me crazy. I feel like hurting myself again when that happens. I felt the same emotions again, and again.
I just HATE IT when that memory keeps coming back. I feel like my head is splitting when the flashbacks gets longer. I really can't stand it.
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