I washed my face vigorously. For a short moment, I wondered if I accidentally smacked my nose or some water got in. It kinda hurt.
I always panicked a little while showering, I could almost hear the cries of my hair as they terminate themselves and fall off.
Towel dry hair carefully
Apply Bloom cream on face!
Plugs and blow dry hair
Stops and quickly put hair serum
Put argan oil
Spray some pink mist
Continue to dry hair.
Stops and quickly play BTS Motivational songs
Continue to dry hair. Put on clothes.
Music is really good, wants to dance to it, but since I didn't sleep the whole night. I probably shouldn't.
Put this, apply that, wake my mom up to steal her eyebrow pencil to use. Luckily, she just looks at me with a big frown, but didn't start complaining/shouting. Big win there.
Finishes and looks at mirror. I like my earrings. I look nice.
Every action has it's meaning. What it meant to dry my hair, what it meant to try and look nice, what it meant to take care of my hair. how it felt, to listen to music while preparing for work. All this has it's own meaning when you are struggling between being alive or being dead. I just wanted to be aware of what it feels like.
I don't really like wearing the beads and bracelet. It pinches into my cuts sometimes and that hurts. The hairband is too tight sometimes and that hurts me too.
Goal for today: act like a normal functional human being.
Counselor said to get out and be around a lot of people, that helps. I don't know how to tell him that I did that, but yet it felt like they were in another world. or I was just outside, looking in, Does that makes sense? Sometimes it feels like they are in a blur, and I am just still alone. All the noises are like white noise buzzing and I was just not involved. I remembered I walked into mc donalds, it was so crowded, my eyes just glazed over like they were a movie or gif picture It actually felt more lonely when I was in a place full of people, so not sure about that.
I am acutely aware that I am too critical of myself. Just not sure what to do with it. Anyway, weekend accidentally extended by 1 day into Monday. So that was horrifying, and apparently I had been writing my journal wrong.
Last 2 days were so bad. For future references, better to just die than call imh. Big mistake there.
I just want to childishly sulk for a week because my counselor abandon me and is not available this week. I know the connection I feel with him is only one sided, because it was a one sided sharing session (lol). I think I will absolutely cringe with embarrassment if he reads this, but lets be honest, too many post too many words, I just bet 100% he wont see this.
I 'think' my boss saw my cuts on the wrist, which make me just want to crawl into a hole and hide. I saw him glance at it, but I wasn't sure if my sleeve was covering it. I notice that it fell a bit and its possible that he saw it, lets just pretend he didn't see it.
I feel such a huge relief that, I seem functional today. Counselor says to write things that I could feel excited about, and added a smiley face behind.
How should I say it, it's like someone is so miserable that they wanted to die, and someone just stands in front and says lets get excited about something! ?
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