For some reasons, I actually don't feel as suffocated as I thought I would be. The night progress and I went to play my game, which my god, I had neglected so much. I barely played this week and I really missed out on a lot of things. There's a new pull available which I guess I won't be spending money on to get it, because I spent most of my money on therapy session. lol. I think that's a good thing.
I had been thinking about this for awhile now and thought I should at least jot it down. One time I was replying an email to this secret keeper, and I felt like I wrote in a lot of details which I didn't really had the intention to initially. I just habitually start writing out my thoughts and I guess it felt like I could share it with him so I sent out the messaged. Actually, 5mins later, I immediately regret and panicked. I actually tried to recall the email, but then apparently, gmail doesn't let you recall sent email that has passed 30 seconds. So I guess I had to live with it.
I seems to forget that I had only met him once, and then I also gave him access to my blog. I feel quite anxious that he would be able to read my dark thoughts. it's unnerving because these are so private and I have never ever revealed so much stuff to anyone before. But I also really didn't want to be uncommunicative. I thought that it should probably be ok right? To share more info would be helpful I think? It's just unsettling to feel that someone I only met once knows so much about me now. or maybe not if he doesn't read them.
The strange thing is that, at least I am able to talk to him about a lot of things that I have never spoke of.
I had two session with Tee, and I never even came close to telling her half of what I had told M in one session. I felt that I could not open up to T, I don't know why. I had the impression that she was not very open to talk about my suicidality, and I had a problem with that. It was something that was affecting me and bothering me a lot, I really don't know why though that I cant seem to tell her. Maybe I felt like she didn't really care or like she never addressed to some of the things that I had told her in email. She never ask about it or come close to bringing up the topic. Her main concern was always just the safety plan, and safety plan again in the 2nd session.
Secret keeper was refreshing, I think because it was the first time that someone told me it was "understandable"
After my 2nd attempt during Sept, Tee knows about it but never asked, or want to see my wound, even if just to show some concern. It really felt like she didn't bother that much. I know that she was really hard on me because of that 2nd attempt, but that ultimately pushed me away. Maybe it was simply a matter of wrong approach. One thing I really love about her though is how she would follow up with me on email and explore how I felt about the session, and she would call me occasionally to check on me. It felt really comforting to know someone was checking in on me.
I was really surprise that secret keeper wanted to see my cuts on my wrist. I felt like at least he seem to have read my email and care enough to ask about it. I wondered why he wanted to see it though. I feel bad that I actually don't really recall what I had shared with him in the session, but I remember that I spoke quite a bit about my mother and how she was affecting me. I also teared a bit while talking about my mother, and that never happened with T. I feel bad that I had given him a bad impression of my mother.
I don't really know what to do with my complicated r/s with my mom. I want to think that, my depression just make everything really worse than it is, that maybe when I feel better, I could deal with her.
I don't trust this feeling that I have now. Like I am making progress, like I am improving. Because this was exactly what I felt on the same day I tried to kill myself. I felt positive and thought that I could enjoy the day doing things that I used to like to do, but 6 hours later, I walked to my quiet place, refused to call sos hotline and cut a lot deeper than I ever did. The progression that I thought I felt, flew out of the window, and it really messed me up.
Still I think, I should go with the flow. I think I want to go out later and maybe visit kms temple. I really missed that part of my life. I feel really unsure of these small steps to get better, because I didn't want to do it anymore. I didn't want to feel better and to deal with life. I wanted to let myself sink and just die.
I feel quite okay now, without the intense thought of wanting to kill myself, I just wonder how long it will last.
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