Finally! I got to have maybe 6-8 hours of sleep. Omg. well obviously that's because I didn't sleep the whole night yesterday and went to work. Lol. Felt dizzy, light headed. Didn't take break fast, and ate too little for lunch, I don't think that's a bad thing. Unfortunately, my mom cooked rice AND potato. I just hate this combination the most and told her nicely multiple times, but guess what, she doesn't give a damn.
I was really getting more and more angry just now before I slept and the angry part is given a time out, no writing for her because she is too childish. Your post can only be kept in draft mode.
After switching to 1 tab of sertraline yesterday, the suicidal side effects were intense. Like my god, they actually exist, and affected me so much. But they wore off soon, I think luckily the doctor started me with half tab for a week. I think I can actually tell if they are caused by my own thoughts or are the side effects of the meds. They just feel different from my own suicidal thoughts. I think.
I was dreading work yesterday, just waiting for my boss to tell me nicely that my attendance is too poor. Anticipated it. but nope. I struggled between wanting to talk to him to say I'll resign, or just waiting it out.
Nothing happened, he spoke to a few other colleagues but me. After lunch he was already gone. Damn it.
I cut myself yesterday morning, and that was bad. I just got angrier when I did it, and ops. It was still surface bleeding, but I had to press on it a little longer to stop the bleeding. I thought of doing it again just now when I was angry, but I didn't. I don't want it to become a habit.
I usually had my black beads group with the other bracelets together every time I wear or remove it, they are always together. and I wear it to cover my scars. But for the life of me, I don't know why I can't find it, and I really love that beads. It's a Jet stone bracelet. I think it must have fallen off somewhere in my room.
I wonder if I should email my counselor to remind him of our session. He didn't even bother to send a short reply or just acknowledge my email. 7 days. I'm sure he was busy, maybe on a holiday, yes, he shouldn't have to check his email if he was on a holiday. but I really expected him to at least reply when he returned. but noppe. He had completely forgetter about me. Probably didn't even read my blog, I guess I shouldn't have expected him to. I just know I'm gong to get annoyed if he says he cares, but done noting to show it except showing up in our session and talking. What does he even know about me? How will he help me when he doesn't know anything about me? Does he even have any plans or goals for our session? We never talked about any of it. Maybe I am too impatient.
I am really annoyed with how much I told him, I don't even remember very clearly what I said, which bugs the hell out of me. I know that I started tearing at some point, and I kept trying to recall what I was saying, I think, it was about.. how I returned home with all my stuff and my mom was just yelling at me. I think it was about that? "wishing for just one moment in her life that she could have considered my feelings" I think it was about this incident. I don't remember what else I said, except my mom giving us bad food, and... counselor started asking some short questions, and that's about it I think.
I feel nervous about the session later. maybe.
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