SELF-DESTRUCT

 I was still quite upset just now. Thoughts of what happen recently with my sis, her hilarious way of calculations upsets me and makes us mad.

When we are mad, we cut ourselves. We haven't cut ourselves for awhile.

Dr Geoffrey would ask why do I cut myself when I'm mad.

Even if he doesn't ask, I still question myself. Why do we hurt ourselves when we are mad.

I spend a while thinking, I'm not sure if I was thinking cause I mimick the look of someone deep in thought and stare blank but I'm not sure what is going on in my brain.

Like, maybe after thinking I'm still not sure why. The therapist asked, if it was to gain back self control and I'm not too sure about that.

I know that It's always related to anger going crazy and feeling a lot of madness and anger and so we hurt ourself. Mainly to stop feeling that rage and pain, it calms us down.

Anger thinks I deserved it. Anger mocks at me, because we should have died. instead I was not dead.

since the 2 therapist is too busy to have any session with us, we felt like we had been abandoned, again. Always. We are often forgotten, dismissed, unimportant. like it would not matter if we are dead or not dead. which was something I felt so tempted to say to the sister, but I held myself back. Because of Fear and maybe other things. but still, i think i said a lot more then i usually would.

We were reminded of how much we should stay angry at her, and that we should hate her. Nothing had changed.

Nothing changed. I felt better for a little while, but then it's gone. Everything resets, and we are back at the same spot.

Always a fool. I think I really hate myself for believing for half a second that she was anything.

My adhd meds kicked in, i felt drowsy and a little more calm, but the fog has been lifted off my brain! It's so nice to feel that wow, once the meds take effect, it's like my eyes are properly open and I dont feel so much dead weight or being bored until i keep rolling my eyes and my eyes permanently stays up and so im bored to death. Now it's so much better.

I still cant stop thinking that I am just better off dead. Maybe it's really just the truth and that truth is too hard for mr nice guy to accept.

I thought about methods of killing myself. injecting a air bubble into my vein, or hanging myself but then seems like it would take too long, or just falling to death. I find it rather amusing that I am concern for the people who would need to clean up my body. like if i try to kill myself by cutting and bleeding to death imagine how much blood that would be.

I also worry about my poor poor parrots. imagine the abuse they would suffer if they are left at the house. 

At first I was quite upset and annoyed with Dr Geoffrey because he cancelled and can't even be bothered to call me to inform me that he will be gone for the WHOLE of December. Which = to he cares very little about me.

And so I thought, well I would do just fine without any therapy session. Then my mom starts getting on my nerve, and my dad also decided to on occasional just tell me off for random stuff or saying hurtful things to me which upsets me. and my sister decided to show up after her japan holiday casually, like everything is fucking perfectly fine and start judging me and making assumptions about everything.

like excuse me. does she even know anything AT ALL. why is it that jsut because i can afford things MEANS that she can casually go back on her words. 

WHY DO I NEED TO FEEL GUILTY FOR SPENDING MY OWN MONEY. I ALREADY FEEL BAD ENOUGH WITHOUT YOU FUCKING SHITHEADS BUTTING YOUR HEAD INTO MY LIFE.

OPS my bad. I let anger got a little carried away.

I thought that I would give my self 1 year of therapy and if nothing works then I can still kill myself right? but did i feel better somewhere through the past year of therapy?

should I just try to die on Christmas? I need to give some stuff away, and think about what to do with my pets.