I haven't fully understood what is going on. Ever since the day our father came home. The reality hit us quite badly when we saw how bad his condition was.
We almost laughed, and I tried very hard not to. As if the whole situation was hilarious.
It reminded me of when George died. and his friends were laughing at his funeral.
Everything is fine, we do what we need to do. make calls, check on him, pack his medication, check this check that, discharge him. Requested for glucose tester. nurse spent an hour long, teaching me about balancing his sugar level. check for grants, apply for helper, look for agency. etc etc. everyday it's all about him. The sister is less involved now.
Every now and then we break down and cry, when no one is looking. After that, everything is fine again.
We felt a sense of panicked on the way to ttsh again, just not long after his discharge. We have never sat at the front sit of the ambulance before.
Our thoughts raced as we were sitting in the ambulance car.countless voices repeated, he's going to die, he's going to die soon, he's really going to die soon. We kept tearing as if he was dead. There was a sense of helplessness thinking that now we are really alone, when he dies only the monsters remain in our life. and we thought we should just disappear too, when he's gone.
I know I wanted needed my weekly therapy. Sometime it doesn't feel real. I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is real. I couldn't sleep on Tuesday night. I was pretty sure I didn't sleep walk. but i still did wake up and I was standing. Which freaks me out a bit. Pretty sure I was trying to take something, and I just fell asleep maybe?
I felt torn, like some part of me just didn't want me to go.
Nowadays, I selfishly thought that maybe it's okay to die now. There's a helper for my dad now anyway. but I also know that, those thoughts are pretty weak.
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