False memory

 I've always thought that my sister left our house when I was quite young. It really bugs me that, she did actually lived with us for quite some time.

I had a long chat with my mother, and I realized a lot of things. We lived at the 21st floor when I was in secondary school. It seem like I had completely forgotten that my sister had live with us even during those times. We each had our own room. Why had I completely forgotten about this? I seem to have always thought that she never lived with us.

It wasn't until my mom mentioned this, that triggered some memory of her room. Then.. I started recalling some other memories of her... which I think.. isn't worth mentioning. But I wondered for a moment just now, I imagined myself telling her, how would you feel, if I did that to Kaelyn, your daughter. Would you then think it was nothing?

My mom scoff and smirk, with a roll up paper pointing at me and standing over me. " all those words meant nothing, why did you take it seriously" 

"why did you have such thoughts when you are so young? Something is wrong with you!"

It's really my own fault, for thinking a second that she could acknowledge ANYTHING. I blame Michael for that, saying some stupid things about taking ownership.

I guess I shouldn't blame him. I should have known better. Imagine being stupid enough to think that I can actually have a slim hope that she would for once spare a thought or considered my feelings. How naïve.

No one will ever comprehend these hell that I have been through. I had a persistent headache the whole day.

To be honest, I was so confused when my mom told me that our sister had lived with us, and I even questioned her. She started telling me some tells that made me realized she DID lived with us. I was utterly confused and a little weirded out, seriously. I guess I had just forgotten..

I was also quite horrified.. to know about my family history.. talk about craziness.

I really find it too hard to process all this, or to live on and struggle through. I guess given my family history, it would actually make sense to have died by suicide.

I went up to the 20th floor again, hopping that it would calm me or help ease my headache. I listened to some youtube music for headache relief. well, it didn't work. Beside the life was a set of grill railings and I lean against it for awhile.

We could really feel the height because there's no wall so it felt like we were leaning against a transparent glass. It feels pretty crazy, imagining myself falling from such a high height.

Michael said that I am broken and had a lot of hurt, and it is true. I'm not sure how to fix myself, and it feels easier to just not do it anymore.

Maybe we should at least have our last Christmas.