Dr G called me yesterday. I appreciate that he still calls me when he is on leave. We spoke briefly and he was concern about what happened to me. I think it was just a check up on how I was doing, and pretty much also just telling me that the appointment can't be moved to an earlier slot.
It's still nice that he called.
The fifth cut is really weird. It's like there is this gap that wouldn't close. It's weird that it took so many days but the wound is still some what open but it's dry. Was is so deep that it took longer then the other wound to heal? I really didn't know that I had cut deeper then usual.
It did felt like I was in a dazed when I was cutting myself, and when I finally come back to my sense it was disturbing to see all the layers of tissue with a lot of blood, lying all around the desk.
Except for the 5th cut, all the other wound is almost healed. The idea of cutting myself again keeps looming over me.
I took the blade and rest it on my wrist, just before I cut myself, I changed my mind at the last second and quickly slide the blade backwards and put it away. I then walked to the kitchen and made myself a cup of coffee.
I felt a small sense of victory when I didn't cut myself on Friday night. Even so, I still feel like doing it sometimes.
The struggle between wanting to cut myself, and stopping myself... is so strange.
I actually slept for maybe 12 hours? It felt good to sleep more hours, god knows I sleep too little on many occasion. I had a lot of random dreams which I don't remember now, I'm glad there wasn't a nightmare. Nightmare usually wakes me up in a fright and the thought of them would terrify me for a couple of days.
I could still remember my last nightmare, I still remember it because it was too disturbing. It's funny that the only person that I told about this nightmare was to a sos crisis hotline person. I'm afraid that I had made her feel considerably disturbed by telling her about it. I think she felt bad for me to be having this nightmare.
I binge watched a Korea drama and finished 16 episodes in 2 days, of course i cheated a little by skipping some pointless scene. I really love watching this actor because well, he's so handsome and cute lol.
I usually don't really like romance much, but sometimes it's nice to see these heartwarming moments in dramas that we could not find in real life. They take us away into this fantasy land of pure love and selfless human nature, and these are rare to find in real life. Probably why we humans like to entertain ourselves with all this tv shows. They are fantasies that we indulge in.
I feel quite bored on this Saturday. I finished the Korean drama and feel bored to start another one. I cleaned and tidied up my room while briefly wondering what I should do next. I thought about why I had lost interest in gaming and briefly wonder if I should start a random no rank match of dota2. I did used to enjoy playing it so much. Then I also wonder if I should do felting, or maybe sims 4.
I ended up writing a little. So now, I wonder what I should do next. My eye glanced over to the penknife for awhile. I just realized that I haven't cut myself for a week, mainly because the cut was quite bad. wait, it's been 7 days but the 5th cut still looks like a hole that wouldn't close. Well but it does seems like the cut is slowly closing up. When I apply cream over it, it look like cement filling up a hole.
I actually really feel like cutting myself, but I want to try not cutting myself for this weekend. This anti depressant sure makes me jittery, my hands are shaking now.
Maybe I should stepped out of the house for awhile, and treat myself to some sushi. For the past week, I declined going lunch with my colleagues at the new office area, saying that the food are expensive and that I would go home for lunch and work from home. but I had actually been buying sushi for lunch and that was of course not cheap. lol. It still feels nice to treat myself and feel good about it.
Of course my salary is running out soon. and I probably have to dip into my very limited savings account. I really don't know why my hands are shaking so badly, was it caffeine? Would … cutting myself make it stop? I should step out soon.
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