I was really struggling in session just now. I was quite silent and I thought Michael look quite bored at some point, and I pointed it out. I felt bad for laughing, but I really needed to get the tension off me. I really wished he could have done more to pull me out of the state. He told me to take deep breaths, but he didn't follow through with it and then I got stuck in the state again. I wonder if he is familiar with dissociation. If he is, why didn't he pull me out, I was drowning just now, and he just sat there mumbling some words.
I don't think we should ever speak of it again in session.
I think he was quite tired, I felt his attention drifted away for only a little bit. I shouldn't have pushed for earlier time slot, and should have given him more time to recollect/rest himself.
Instead of throwing those angry post into drafts, I decided to post it because I don't want to hide them. I just feel that it's quite weird. I told Michael to read them because I wanted to know what he thought about it, but I forgot to ask him?
I just don't know how to say that those anger are like another part of me, but still me I guess? it's confusing.
When I reached home just now, my mother, once again, moved our stuff around. and reorganized our desk base on what she thinks is better. I was honestly too fucking tired to even react. Just a slight annoyance and them too tired to give a damn. I probably just don't even need to bother reacting and creating drama about it.
My interview with nuh is tomorrow. Am I really even considering to change job? If not, why do I still bother to go? They have really fixed and longer work hours, and of course not as flexible as the current one. I am just so scared that I will screw it up because I cant function normally. I really hate myself for this.
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