TOO DIFFICULT

 We want to cut ourselves again. But our wrist is still hurting, the cuts haven't even close, and it's quite deep. I don't want it to get worse.

But we can't sleep, and the intrusive memory keeps coming back. There's a strong urge to cut ourselves, we should go out for a walk. but its 2.30am and I'm wearing my sleeping dress.

So maybe this time, we will write about this pain, instead of cutting.

I had to delete the words, because we hate them.

We really don't like ourselves. It feels like we are broken and there is just something wrong with us because we can't let go of some stupid incident. We feel very useless and not worthy of being alive.

No one will miss us after we die. We would become less of a burden and the mother could rent out this room and get more money from it.

Even if she is sad, she would probably get over it after some time. There's really no need to feel sad for her after all the hell that she has put us through through the years.

We didn't try to victimized ourselves like what the test says. We were a victim, but since the incident had past, maybe now we are just a victim of ourselves. I am the one abusing us.

How should we write a thought journal when it's usually just self harm and suicide ideation thoughts.

Jos seems to be holding my life by not letting me resign. As long as I have a job, it doesn't feel like I have hit rock bottom. We wanted to resign, and I thought that if I am finally jobless, I would be really be ready to die, because it's just prove that I'm really useless to the point where I cant hold on to jobs long enough, but we are still clinging on.

We are still clinging on by going for counseling sessions. Is tenth story really high enough to die? It really doesn't seem high. It would be really awkward to survive and be crippled for the rest of our live.