I have been feeling quite tired of everything. It feels like I have seek help for my depression but it has only gotten worse. I feel like I've tried, but there's too much to work on.
It feels really hard and hopeless. Why bother. I have been on meds for so many weeks but I don't feel any significant improvement.
The imh doctor felt that I am stable now since I have seek private counselling and decided that our next appointment is 10 weeks away. The report book from primary school was in my bag but I never showed it to him, even though he was the one who asked for it and forgot.
It felt like a child eagerly holding on to the report card wanting to show the parents her result, but they never bothered. The child was excited with her results, and then was disappointed and hurt that they forgot or just never bothered with how well she did. She could only put it away and pretend that she never bothered too so that it wouldn't seem so painful.
I wished that I could have told someone what happen. but even when I am alone, I couldn't even say what happened to me to myself because I was in a lot of denial. I kept avoiding it.
I think I finally realized why I lost so many friends. All my friends are related to her and every time her name comes up I felt so uncomfortable and so much unease. I must have slowly started cutting off all my friends because she was part of the group. Maybe?
I remember now. When we meet up and when I see her, I would always feel quite unwell. I don't think I even realized at that point of time. If I met up A and B and they brought up S, I would be so uncomfortable and resentful but I kept smiling and pretended. The funniest part is that she was one of my best friend, and so people would constantly start talking about her or even ask me about her. I got sick of everything and decided not to be part of the group anymore.
Every time I see her, I got reminded of what happened. I wanted to avoid her and everything related to her so that I could forget what had happened.
I could still constantly see the image, she and I were in the toilet.
The moment when I froze, the moment when I felt betrayed. The moment when I thought of telling her and changed my mind. The moment when I realized I have lost a friend. The moment when I realized I could never tell anyone. I really don't remember very clearly what we said, but those feelings was what I felt. Someone else was a better friend then her. I really wished I could remember better.
There were also words that could never be forgotten, even though I absolutely loathe remembering them. I really feel like dying every time I recall. I really really really really hated what happened.
I resented her, but the other one person that I resented and hated most, was myself.
It doesn't make sense.
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