I thought about dying when the family is on the holiday. I was surprise that the session went quite well with Michael.
The one thing, that I like about Michael is that he has always been able to acknowledge my suicidality, and not just brush it off, or say things like "there's a lot to live for" because obviously I feel that there is nothing to live off.
I wondered if I put him on a hard spot by asking him this question, why shouldn't I just die. I wondered if he had had a lot of clients asked him this before. I liked how he answered, it made me pause a little bit.
He said some words that really triggered me, and I tensed internally. It was just, I can't say. It made me angry and upset. I unintentionally started spacing out, his voice faded a little, but I caught on, on what's happening to me, and I tried to pull myself back. I didn't want him to know, and start bringing it up again.
I feel very angry and miserable when I think about it. So angry. So miserable.
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