I lay on my bed for over an hour, but we couldn't fall asleep. Some intrusive memory slips in and we quickly think about other stuff. and then we got up. the idea of cutting ourselves again looms over us.
The cuts are still hurting. We saw dr ej just now. glad it was him. We haven't seen him for awhile and its good to see him again. not so good when.. we had to show him the cuts. He saw, and said, poor thing. He had always been a caring doctor. He also gave me a friendly rub on the shoulder to comfort me when I said it was because of depression. He was really nice.
I left saying, thank you and that it was good to see him. he waved his hand a little.
The celebration wasn't great, my sister came late and that made my mom very unhappy. She was complaining and grumbling to me while I was at the kitchen stealing food here and there. We usually have our dinner around 5.30-6pm. It was already 7pm. My mom got mad and said tell them I went to bed. and slam her door shut.
When they finally arrive, my mom went on to grumble and my sister look awkward. I felt bad for her. I felt that I shouldn't have texted her to remind her of mom's birthday. It's my fault?
The tension eased, I quickly finished my dinner and washed my own bowl, intending to run back into my room to hide. but I felt bad for the huge pile of dishes that needs to be washed. I didn't want my mom to do it, and it didn't feel right for my sister to do them too. so I volunteered and helped to wash the huge piles of dishes.
I finally went back into my room, closed the door firmly and locked it as I usually did. I wasn't feeling great and didn't want to interact with anyone. It felt exhausting. The kids kept knocking on my door, they wanted to play games on my pc again. I pretended that I needed to work and open up my laptop, wishing that they would go away. Kaelyn had good sense and automatically left, Kaen followed shortly.
After a while, Kaen came back and started knocking on my door again. Kaelyn came back in too. I sighed inwardly, asking them if they want to watch anything on YouTube. It's just so hard to keep them away. It's really so strange why they like to stick with me.
Kaen wanted to play game, but I didn't let them. Kaelyn is really so hyped over Genshin and I could tell she really wanted me to play it too. Every single time she sees me she kept asking if I had updated the game, I think she already asked like 10 times. I had the game but mobile games bore me easily.
I've been so moody, maybe because I didn't go to work again. Just the usual feeling of being a failure... Which make me think about just killing myself again. The family is going to be away for 4 days.
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