10 Nov 2022 Journal

I really need to go to the stationary stall to buy some stuff for office. some stupid stickers for the keys. I put it off just now, feeling that I don't want to carry my heavy bag with my laptop inside walking all around trying to find some stickers.

I guess I should go now. I impulsively scheduled another session, hopping that that will keep my mind off trying to kill myself over the weekend. Should I do it, or not.

Why is my life worth so little for me to think about death so easily. Well. I guess that's the problem. Feeling like my life doesn't matter and has 0 value in this world.

I'm not sure what's the point in scheduling the session. I understand that a lot of work needs to be done by myself. I just really don't know what to do or how to stop feeling this way. 

I was feeling better, and then worse. and now I just feel too discourage. I'm just upset over the random intrusive suicidal thoughts. Maybe it IS the meds that are giving me trouble.

I know that the side effects affected me a lot. But like what should I do. I'm just so sick of all of this already.

What should I even say in session when I feel like I've already gone through almost everything about my past abuse with my mother. What do we even do in session if I have nothing to share.

Idle chats? Ask about him? lol..

He casually threw in some words last session. Which made me gripped internally, but, I don't think I showed any expression, I hoped. Actually I don't even remember clearly what he said, just the intense need to run away. What did he say actually? That it was too complicated and that's why he doesn't do trauma? Then why should I tell him anyway if it is too complicated for him.

We just cant talk about it. Literally, physically, unable to speak about it.

9 Nov 2022

 I was late for session, time blindness. I shouldn't have been late. Session didn't go so well. I wasn't feeling really good anyway these past week. I guess we should have talked about it rather than go into cbt/dbt.

I felt very discourage when I see them. Hearing that I was resistant made me felt more discourage too, even though I was unaware of it. He's right that I kept justifying what she did. It's not that I don't recognized the abuse, I guess I just felt bad that I have been saying so many bad things about her.

I just ... I don't know. Her birthday is coming soon. I used to buy her flowers and cakes. I didn't last year. This month I'm kinda broke with all the medical bills from counselling and imh, and my room light just had to suddenly stopped working, meaning I have to spend money to replace them.

The cuts on my wrist really hurts. The scare are getting ugly and I hate them.

The suicidal thoughts were quite persistent for the past few days. I was looking up where to cut, how deep to cut, overdosing on pills since I have a bunch of them now.

When the session started with Michael asking me How I've been, I felt bad because I have backtracked to my suicidal thoughts. I shouldn't have felt bad about it, and should have tried talking about it. but instead we went right into cbt/dbt. I think I didn't have enough time to adjust myself into starting to talk about what I've been feeling.

I really felt like zoning out just now, but he seems uncertain on what to say. Which made me feel bad, so I tried to look okay so that he wouldn't feel so bad. He always knows when I starts getting emotionally overwhelm, so instead of zoning out, I tried to bring back my focus. 

The session was ending anyway. How could I say I was not okay, that I feel like just giving up and killing myself. I think that would be a bit overstepping on his boundaries and time limit.

He said he would send me the test and the dbt details later when he reached home. I wish he would keep to what he said. but he didn't. Like the imh doctor who asked for my report book and then forgot about it.

Like my mom or sister who never really cared about me since I was a kid. Like my father, who cared about me, but was simply always not around or sleeping because he was tired from work. He used to work 2 jobs.

Sometimes I really wished for the simplest thing. for someone to give a damn about how I felt or to care a little bit about me. but no one did. When I finally grew up and when someone finally did cared for me, I just threw it away because I was messed up. Why is this kind of life worth living?

I know, maybe the depression is talking. but i did seek help and I didn't get better. go through another round of seeking help from nuh? why? how? I feel too exhausted already. I just want to give up.

We just don't feel like doing it anymore. We really hate that we are still struggling to live while also hopping to die. Maybe we should really just do it and get it over with. Maybe weekends we can try again, instead of cutting, falling to death has a higher success rate.

 Just now I took a lift to the highest floor on another block. I was surprise that the wall corridor wasn't as high as I thought. I could easily climb over them. I was also surprise that the highest floor was tenth and when I looked down, it didn't feel really high. I wondered if I would really die if I fall from tenth story.

I looked down for some time, just imagining myself falling to death.

7 November 2022 Journal

 The kids took turn playing with my pc. My sister told me to fix the wire cable that suddenly came lose and was a tripping hazard. 

My mom purposely asked me to sort out the wire loudly in front of my sister and started pitifully complaining to my sis about how dangerous it was.

I was not surprise when she came into my room and told me to do something about it. As if I would purposely leave it lying loosely around to trip our parents and make them fall.

The only difference between that day and last time was that she was less harsh and was using a normal non aggressive tone. How nice. I guess knowing that I was depressive and was admitted into imh has it's benefits. 

It still didn't stop the anger and resentment building up. As she tried to be "helpful" and asked about how to trunk the wires to the data point, I automatically started tuning out. 

After she left our room, we started tearing silently behind the kids, having some thoughts of just walking out to take a lift and jumping to death.

I'm not excited to write journals anymore. It's really not very fun to write about my thoughts, which are constantly about self harm and suicide.

My suicidal thoughts are getting worse. I was holding the penknife and briefly thought of just plunging it into my neck. As I was cutting myself on my wrist, I had the crazy thought of stabbing it through my wrist.

Some times I don't feel very real. Like I'm on auto pilot. I looked at the mirror and didn't know who she is, and asked her "who are you"

I took the train, and kept missing my stop in the intersection at City hall. I probably cross over and changed side about 6 times. Who would believe that is possible? Maybe my mom, because she has always said that there is some thing WRONG with me.

I thought about what happens after I died of suicide, I thought about my sister reaction. Would she feel bad? guilty? would she remember that she strangled my neck when I was a kid? Would she remember how she had always been so critical and judgmental of me? would she remember how she had never shown concern for me or how harsh she has always been to me? well I guess the exception would be only recently when she realized I was warded.

The irony is that, even with my death, I would probably STILL be blame for choosing to kill myself. For choosing to be selfish and for hurting my parents.

Maybe the increase in dosage for Sertraline had worsen my suicidal thoughts, who the fuck knows.

4 Nov 2022 Journal

I have been feeling quite tired of everything. It feels like I have seek help for my depression but it has only gotten worse. I feel like I've tried, but there's too much to work on.

It feels really hard and hopeless. Why bother. I have been on meds for so many weeks but I don't feel any significant improvement. 

The imh doctor felt that I am stable now since I have seek private counselling and decided that our next appointment is 10 weeks away. The report book from primary school was in my bag but I never showed it to him, even though he was the one who asked for it and forgot.

It felt like a child eagerly holding on to the report card wanting to show the parents her result, but they never bothered. The child was excited with her results, and then was disappointed and hurt that they forgot or just never bothered with how well she did. She could only put it away and pretend that she never bothered too so that it wouldn't seem so painful.

I wished that I could have told someone what happen. but even when I am alone, I couldn't even say what happened to me to myself because I was in a lot of denial. I kept avoiding it.

I think I finally realized why I lost so many friends. All my friends are related to her and every time her name comes up I felt so uncomfortable and so much unease. I must have slowly started cutting off all my friends because she was part of the group. Maybe?

I remember now. When we meet up and when I see her, I would always feel quite unwell. I don't think I even realized at that point of time. If I met up A and B and they brought up S, I would be so uncomfortable and resentful but I kept smiling and pretended. The funniest part is that she was one of my best friend, and so people would constantly start talking about her or even ask me about her. I got sick of everything and decided not to be part of the group anymore.

Every time I see her, I got reminded of what happened. I wanted to avoid her and everything related to her so that I could forget what had happened.

I could still constantly see the image, she and I were in the toilet. 

The moment when I froze, the moment when I felt betrayed. The moment when I thought of telling her and changed my mind. The moment when I realized I have lost a friend. The moment when I realized I could never tell anyone. I really don't remember very clearly what we said, but those feelings was what I felt. Someone else was a better friend then her. I really wished I could remember better.

There were also words that could never be forgotten, even though I absolutely loathe remembering them. I really feel like dying every time I recall. I really really really really hated what happened.

I resented her, but the other one person that I resented and hated most, was myself.

It doesn't make sense. 

3 Nov 2022 Journal

 Maybe I can just bury it all over again and stop thinking of getting it resolved. Surely, if it stays buried and I stopped everything that would remind me of it, it would stop coming back to haunt me.

Pretend that everything is back to normal, that I am not broken or depressed anymore. Would that help.

imagine looking for trauma therapy, and then just siting in session not being able to talk about what happened. how stupid would that be.

1 November 2022 Journal

 Oh no oh no, All this decisions that I need to make, is so hard for me. my god, I'm so undecisive. 

First is the interview tomorrow, I guess I just have to go right? Since the agent actually put so much effort to coordinate this interview, I would feel really bad if I cancel on them. I should probably go and find out more on the work.

2nd is my sessions with Michael, should I continue with weekly session or just once every 2 weeks?

hmmmmm. I should probably find someone with more experience in trauma and dissociation disorder?

But I don't want to change counselor though. and I  probably shouldn't bother, since I can't talk about it.

$320 or $640 🤔 Should I flip a coin?

But, what should we do when we struggle with the memory, get too overwhelm and start cutting ourselves again.

I think it really hurts us when we see what we do to ourselves and watch ourselves bleed.

Conversation with mom just now:

ME: Mommy~ did you see my black beaded bracelet?

MOM: what do u mean?  You're always disorganized and losing you stuff why are you asking me? Your room is dirty and messy, I don't even touch your stuff! 

ME: You just re organized my desk yesterday, what do you mean you don't touch my stuff.

MOM: smiles cheekily and quietly walks away.

ME: ROLL EYES

1 Nov 2022 Journal

 I was really struggling in session just now. I was quite silent and I thought Michael look quite bored at some point, and I pointed it out. I felt bad for laughing, but I really needed to get the tension off me. I really wished he could have done more to pull me out of the state. He told me to take deep breaths, but he didn't follow through with it and then I got stuck in the state again. I wonder if he is familiar with dissociation. If he is, why didn't he pull me out, I was drowning just now, and he just sat there mumbling some words.

I don't think we should ever speak of it again in session.

I think he was quite tired, I felt his attention drifted away for only a little bit. I shouldn't have pushed for earlier time slot, and should have given him more time to recollect/rest himself.

Instead of throwing those angry post into drafts, I decided to post it because I don't want to hide them. I just feel that it's quite weird. I told Michael to read them because I wanted to know what he thought about it, but I forgot to ask him?

I just don't know how to say that those anger are like another part of me, but still me I guess? it's confusing.

When I reached home just now, my mother, once again, moved our stuff around. and reorganized our desk base on what she thinks is better. I was honestly too fucking tired to even react. Just a slight annoyance and them too tired to give a damn. I probably just don't even need to bother reacting and creating drama about it.

My interview with nuh is tomorrow. Am I really even considering to change job? If not, why do I still bother to go? They have really fixed and longer work hours, and of course not as flexible as the current one. I am just so scared that I will screw it up because I cant function normally. I really hate myself for this.