ANGER

 Our mother screamed at us. money money money, everything is about money, everything is about HER happiness. 0 compassion, 0 empathy. abusive, and simply the worse of the worse.

Her casual cruelty is HATEFUL. Even the death of her daughter would eventually give her more FREEDOM.

Such people should not be allowed to breed. Such terror should not exist in this world. But of course this IS what the world is, something that I had known and question even ten years ago. 

Seems pointless to bring this up. The Anger felt overwhelming. The urge to find somewhere to die.

To go up and fall off.

To cut and bleed to death.

Let's apply what was discussed in therapy:

try to understand that I am going through hard time, that it's hard, and it's okay to feel this bad.

huh?why?why should we feel this way? why should we keep getting hurt and feeling pain all over again and again, over and over again. WHY?

Why should we try to understand?

plans and goals. plan that is helpful, yes it WOULD be helpful to simply die. that WILL change my life to the better. To exist in such a pathetic and miserable way, not existing IS better.

Let's try again: we have been working hard, to feel better, and we had made progress.

Working so hard for what exactly? to get bullied? to get scream at and be blame for every single fucking thing? to be reminded that we are useless and worthless and nothing we do is good enough?

Then WHY shouldn't we DIE? What's so hard to understand here?

HELPLESS

 We felt quite helpless, Ash is gone and we can't find her. She is less than 2 years old, but she is gone because of the stupidity of human.

I'm not sure if I should be more angry at myself or the helper. I shouldn't have trusted someone else with Ash's life.

I think it's my fault more than anything, but I really resent this helper now because Ash missing is something very preventable and I hate all the circumstances in this house that caused us Ash.

We hate the mother, and the helper.

Hate. Such a strange unhelpful but strong emotion.

Moody

 We had been so moody for the past weeks. Not sure how to shake it off. I didn't think it could get worse until we found out that Ash had gone missing.

Ash seems to be gone for good. The sweet lovely Ash is gone. The quiet but funny, playful Ash is gone.

I'm not sure if I should blame myself more or mee thin more. Now I hate her, and I feel bad for feeling that.

I feel bad that I can't be who I should be towards her. I feel a lot of resentment and anger towards her but I'm not used to expressing it, and I don't want to express it because I don't want her to feel bad too.

So I just bottle up all the sadness in me. When we seriously think about dying again, we count the number of things that matter to us and try to remember them. Sometimes we are angry enough to want to just throw away everything, but dr geoffrey, does what he does. annoyingly comforting us and encouraging us, which feels nice, but weird at the same time.

Sometimes we look at him and wonder why is he being so nice., I wonder how is he so patience.

Maybe because we never really experience that when we grew up, a harsh respond is usually what we get.

many times recently pictures and images kept forcing their way into our minds. Seeing a picture makes us angry and that overwhelming sense in us drives me crazy. I suddenly wonder, why am I so scared?

APRIL FOOL

 We were very mad on the weekends. the anxiety eats at us, and when my dad's friend finally decided not to help, we snapped.

We were exhausted and mad. all the voices and images ran through our mind, making us spiral down into the chaos of broken memories.

all the what, why, and how kept repeating in our minds, the feeling of rage kept rising and the Anger buried us and finally takes over.

We finally stopped crying, and occasional sob escaped and the Anger snuffed it out, angrily.

There was a chillness when Anger thinks about death, and some of us starts to protest.

We watched silently, and felt a little bit scared.

22nd March 2024

 We felt better when we had a session last week. Which then now reminded us again that these sessions are going to end during October. So, it IS hopeless and pointless.

I read the symptom's of caregiver's burnout, some of them being crying more often, feeling guilty and all that.

We had reach a point of not crying since long time ago anyway. We are often quite familiar with not crying and simply functioning for the sake of it. I wonder if that is a good or bad thing. We are used to just being kinda dissociated and sometimes not really being there. 

The very deep pain and hurt can simply be buried and thrown away. Which then lead us to feeling depressed and suicidal and not knowing why.

isn't that weird? 

Maybe the more we bury them, the harder it is to feel happiness. The thoughts of simply dying these days keeps coming up and they are quite relentless.

Maybe the problem is not knowing what to do with all these Anger. We were told that it was okay to be Angry. Sometimes I am, but that is very hard to handle. Maybe because we never HAD to deal with her.

Some times we argue a lot in our head, sometimes she makes a lot of noise when Dr Geoffrey says something. My brain feels like it doesn't have so much capacity. Some times we want to listen to Anger, and think that She IS right, and all this is enough. That we've had enough.

This image wouldn't leave us, like there's nothing I can do about it. stop showing me that...

MOODY

 So our mood is really low these days. Doesn't take a genius to figure out why. I really wished that he could tell us all these information bit by bit. or maybe he did but it still feels a lot.

There's a heaviness knowing that he had been married a long time, knowing that he is expecting a child, feeling like he's just going to cut us off soon.

We just want a little bit of his time. once a week 50mins. Why is that too much to ask?

Okay, the hard truth is, we want to be that wife, or that child. We want to be that someone who matter.

We want to be cared for, or want someone to love us.

He reminded us that there could be more, and it started to feel like we could want more. We are still dancing around that idea.

Why is he going to abandon us now. or in 6 months time. So the stupid thing is that he didn't say it's going to end, but the emotional part of me is just convinced that he would leave with all sorts of reasons.

self fulfilling prophecy, everyone will leave us eventually. nothing good will happen to us. yup. i think i really do believe that. how could anyone love us when even our mother couldn't love us or my sister just treating us like nothing. how did she make me feel? i said an ant, but another word came up and I didn't dare say it. it's a toy. like a broken rugged toy for people to play with. A lifeless doll, that gives people sick satisfaction and pleasure. am I just a toy?

Where did the list of question go. they went missing.

DOOMSDAY

 There is a sense of impending doom, and that is of course exaggerated. We voiced out our fear of abandonment, and as if to confirm our fears he then told us that there was a contract, and it ends on October.

It did not feel like assurance, more like a reminder that this too will end. Of course it was said oh we will discuss when the time comes, and decide where to go from there.

Why do I feel like we are going to be betrayed? Like we trusted him, but now he's going to abandon us.

Like everyone else in our so called family. I guess you can't be abandon if it's something you never had, except for her.

All these respond of course doesn't make sense.

An image of a helpless child crying pops into our head.

The Anger is scary. so scary. Our mood swings and still I have to maintain a mask in office.

The logical side of me thinks that, yes, when the time comes, we will talk about it and decide from there even though the emotional part of me already feel or "know" that session will end during October, Dr Geoffrey will say he thinks he cant help us anymore and give a bunch of reason.

For a short and wild moment, part of us think that we should just die already and start planning for it. We don't want to die when he is expecting a child. We don't want news of our death to loom around his moments of happiness, then again, we probably don't matter that much for him to be affected at all. Then we thought maybe we could die and be reincarnated as his child. This seems to convinced Anger that we should definitely start planning to die. I think this whole thought process is just simply too wild for it to actually exist in my mind.

I would be terribly ashamed and embarrassed if I actually read this to Dr Geoffrey. but maybe this is something that should be shared, who knows!!

Not gona lie, I actually started laughing at Anger's thought. I am a bit glad that I can laugh about it and lessen the darkness of these thoughts. As if it's a big joke.

I think about popping a 3rd pill, but I stopped myself. I could really see how easy it is to get addicted to adhd meds.  I barely felt anything on the first pop, and I pop 2nd one shortly after. I think writing helps because hey, Dr Geoffrey is married for a long time and is expecting a baby soon. then he is going to abandon us shortly after.

he will see less and less of us, until he thinks it's safe to cut us off.