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False memory

 I've always thought that my sister left our house when I was quite young. It really bugs me that, she did actually lived with us for quite some time.

I had a long chat with my mother, and I realized a lot of things. We lived at the 21st floor when I was in secondary school. It seem like I had completely forgotten that my sister had live with us even during those times. We each had our own room. Why had I completely forgotten about this? I seem to have always thought that she never lived with us.

It wasn't until my mom mentioned this, that triggered some memory of her room. Then.. I started recalling some other memories of her... which I think.. isn't worth mentioning. But I wondered for a moment just now, I imagined myself telling her, how would you feel, if I did that to Kaelyn, your daughter. Would you then think it was nothing?

My mom scoff and smirk, with a roll up paper pointing at me and standing over me. " all those words meant nothing, why did you take it seriously" 

"why did you have such thoughts when you are so young? Something is wrong with you!"

It's really my own fault, for thinking a second that she could acknowledge ANYTHING. I blame Michael for that, saying some stupid things about taking ownership.

I guess I shouldn't blame him. I should have known better. Imagine being stupid enough to think that I can actually have a slim hope that she would for once spare a thought or considered my feelings. How naïve.

No one will ever comprehend these hell that I have been through. I had a persistent headache the whole day.

To be honest, I was so confused when my mom told me that our sister had lived with us, and I even questioned her. She started telling me some tells that made me realized she DID lived with us. I was utterly confused and a little weirded out, seriously. I guess I had just forgotten..

I was also quite horrified.. to know about my family history.. talk about craziness.

I really find it too hard to process all this, or to live on and struggle through. I guess given my family history, it would actually make sense to have died by suicide.

I went up to the 20th floor again, hopping that it would calm me or help ease my headache. I listened to some youtube music for headache relief. well, it didn't work. Beside the life was a set of grill railings and I lean against it for awhile.

We could really feel the height because there's no wall so it felt like we were leaning against a transparent glass. It feels pretty crazy, imagining myself falling from such a high height.

Michael said that I am broken and had a lot of hurt, and it is true. I'm not sure how to fix myself, and it feels easier to just not do it anymore.

Maybe we should at least have our last Christmas. 

30 Nov 2022 Journal

 I think I'm literally going crazy. I just can't do it anymore. If anything, this job is giving me anxiety and depression due to having nothing to do at all.

Jos and I got into an argument last week and it was not good. There is no private room in this new office space. The colleagues heard our whole conversation and probably heard Jos yelling, I'm done! He yelled twice that he is done with me.

Of course it was very upsetting for me, he complained and picked on things that are so fucking minor that I have problems keeping up with him. It was simply a matter of preference and his need to have control of everything, which is the complete opposite of how I do my work. I am used to working independently, maybe I just couldn't adapt, and the slow pace of this work just drives me nuts. My adhd brain honestly don't give a shit and feel this work to be extremely boring and meaningless.

I wanted to try to at least finish December. I felt that I was so miserable on Sunday was partly because of knowing that I need to go to work the next day and just go through the same lifeless routine. Everything just starts adding up and I started to overwhelm myself .

I was going to stop all my appointments with Michael, and cancel all my appointment with imh on Monday and decided to just kill myself by this week. That was impulsive thinking.

I finally tendered my resignation. That's a nice way to put it. My last day is on 20 Jan 2023. I hope I die soon, so that I don't have to actually work until January.

On my way home, I kept tearing because it was miserable. We wanted to take the lift up again but I  walked away and bought lunch instead. I was still carrying my laptop.

Do people kill themselves impulsively? or did they do a lot of planning? Did they regret during the moments just before death? How will we ever know?

It has to be by falling, cutting and bleeding out wont work.

My head hurts.

28 Nov 2022 Journal

 I left work at 2pm, it's really good that I get to wfh in the afternoon due to the ongoing renovation in our new office. Honestly, my asthma was triggered just now with the chemicals that might have come from the painting jobs. I had to drink a lot of hot water to (try) open up my airway and I stepped out of office.

I stepped out 10mins before 11am to wait for the call from imh. I waited 5 mins. 1105. I waited some more 1115. At 1130 I got upset, and called my case manager, but his line was busy...

I went back to the office. It infuriates me because I felt extremely abandoned because 2 of my doctors abandoned me. I understand that I felt this way because of how I was brought up, but I haven't learn to change. Don't know how to. I really needed this call this morning because of last night.

I found a place that is 20 stories high. I didn't want to take the lift up. I stood at the crossroad and willed myself to walk away, but I couldn't. Last night I was overly emotional. I felt helpless and I wanted to give up and I started tearing a lot. I kept distracting myself the whole night, until I couldn't anymore. I knew that if I cut myself, I would hurt myself badly. So, I stepped out. I was shaky and upset.

It was like I couldn't control myself. We walked to the lift, and contemplated on which number to push. We felt that 14 is high enough to fall to death. It was breezy, and we looked down. We noticed a lot of things. The end of the corridor that has a unit at the corner. Along the other side of the lift, there was a unit with cctv and a Christmas wreath. The railings are filled with plants. The corridor wall, was not as high as we thought. There was a small stool outside one of the units. That would be helpful. We wondered briefly how bad they would feel, if they realized that the person who jumped has used their stool. We spent sometime looking around, looking down, for a good amount of time.

We took the lift up to the 20th floor. We calmed down a lot. We stared far, there was a quick streak of lighting. It looked nice. We looked at the opposite buildings, wondering if anyone would see us and call the police. Probably not. We were not sitting or climbing the corridors ledge. Just some one standing around strangely. We looked down again, at the hard concrete floor below us. Wondering what it feels like while falling to death. We imagined it to be 3-5 seconds. 

Just seconds and everything will be over. Would our leg land first and crushed the rest of our body? or will we splatter our brains out if we land head first? Would we feel every bones crushing or would we just snapped out and die once we hit the floor?

Should we do it now? I thought as I looked again and consider climbing onto the corridor wall ledge? We didn't want people staring at us if we climbed up and sat there. We didn't want the police to catch us if we didn't jump. We wondered how desperate someone is, to have been able to let themselves fall to death, what were their last thoughts, did they do it impulsively? Or did they calmly decide that they don't want to live anymore and just fall to death?

The twirling lights of what we thought might be an ambulance alarmed us, we had been looking out just in case, if there were any police cars. We definitely didn't want to be caught and thrown into imh ward again. We quickly turned and took the lift down.

We brought food and went home. Maybe next time. 

The case manager called me back, at the end of the day, dr g  finally called me. I really thought he was not going to even call us back.

I felt relief, being able to tell him what happened. I appreciate that he asked me how I felt when he didn't called that morning. It was a relief to be able to tell him that I was angry, and he apologised properly again. It felt like this was how normal emotions should be discussed, expressed and processed.

When we get angry, hurt, and neglected, we don't have to bury this emotions or get scared of what might happened if we say how we felt.

24 Nov 2022

 I thought about dying when the family is on the holiday. I was surprise that the session went quite well with Michael.

The one thing, that I like about Michael is that he has always been able to acknowledge my suicidality, and not just brush it off, or say things like "there's a lot to live for" because obviously I feel that there is nothing to live off.

I wondered if I put him on a hard spot by asking him this question, why shouldn't I just die. I wondered if he had had a lot of clients asked him this before. I liked how he answered, it made me pause a little bit.

He said some words that really triggered me, and I tensed internally. It was just, I can't say. It made me angry and upset. I unintentionally started spacing out, his voice faded a little, but I caught on, on what's happening to me, and I tried to pull myself back. I didn't want him to know, and start bringing it up again.

I feel very angry and miserable when I think about it. So angry. So miserable.

23 Nov 2022 Journal

 I lay on my bed for over an hour, but we couldn't fall asleep. Some intrusive memory slips in and we quickly think about other stuff. and then we got up. the idea of cutting ourselves again looms over us.

The cuts are still hurting. We saw dr ej just now. glad it was him. We haven't seen him for awhile and its good to see him again. not so good when.. we had to show him the cuts. He saw, and said, poor thing. He had always been a caring doctor. He also gave me a friendly rub on the shoulder to comfort me when I said it was because of depression. He was really nice.

I left saying, thank you and that it was good to see him. he waved his hand a little.

The celebration wasn't great, my sister came late and that made my mom very unhappy. She was complaining and grumbling to me while I was at the kitchen stealing food here and there. We usually have our dinner around 5.30-6pm. It was already 7pm. My mom got mad and said tell them I went to bed. and slam her door shut.

When they finally arrive, my mom went on to grumble and my sister look awkward. I felt bad for her. I felt that I shouldn't have texted her to remind her of mom's birthday. It's my fault?

The tension eased, I quickly finished my dinner and washed my own bowl, intending to run back into my room to hide. but I felt bad for the huge pile of dishes that needs to be washed. I didn't want my mom to do it, and it didn't feel right for my sister to do them too. so I volunteered and helped to wash the huge piles of dishes.

I finally went back into my room, closed the door firmly and locked it as I usually did. I wasn't feeling great and didn't want to interact with anyone. It felt exhausting. The kids kept knocking on my door, they wanted to play games on my pc again. I pretended that I needed to work and open up my laptop, wishing that they would go away. Kaelyn had good sense and automatically left, Kaen followed shortly.

After a while, Kaen came back and started knocking on my door again. Kaelyn came back in too. I sighed inwardly, asking them if they want to watch anything on YouTube. It's just so hard to keep them away. It's really so strange why they like to stick with me.

Kaen wanted to play game, but I didn't let them. Kaelyn is really so hyped over Genshin and I could tell she really wanted me to play it too. Every single time she sees me she kept asking if I had updated the game, I think she already asked like 10 times. I had the game but mobile games bore me easily.

I've been so moody, maybe because I didn't go to work again. Just the usual feeling of being a failure... Which make me think about just killing myself again. The family is going to be away for 4 days.

21 Nov 2022 Journal

 Today is my mom's birthday, since she didn't appreciate flowers and prefer money. That's what we gave her. I was planning to highlight my hair, but I think I probably shouldn't since my cash flow is really low these days.

The medical bills are really taking a toll on my already limited salary. Sigh. Simple is enough, and be contented. Appreciate and remember what I have, and be thankful for them.

I am okay with not being rich, just enough to survive. If only... she wouldn't keep talking about it like I'm a failure for not giving more.

Day in day out, she compare how much more other people earn, day in day out, she keeps naming all the prices and how unhappy she is, lamenting on how hard her life is...

Well. Let's just stop here...

The family are going for cruise on the 28. I just can't help thinking, maybe that's a good time to die. Ironically, there's a call scheduled with imh on 28.

Even though it is what it is, it doesn't change what I have become, and I can't change myself in this short period of time. 

We wonder daily, what is there to live for. Since we have established that we don't matter, what's the point in struggling on.

Our life has very little value, so it's easy to think about death. The question is just simple, should we really just do it. I feel that I probably won't act on it. We just entertain the idea.