Wishing for a bubble

 So when the medication wears off, i get bored bored and bored. still I had already taken my 2nd half of my meds and it feels like i could handle 1 tab maybe, but that would last too short.

Reading the notes from the doctor puts me at a bad place. Like the bubbles finally bursting and what's left is the emptiness.

A hard reality check, with words shouting at us that he is declining, and he would be gone soon.

Just not too long ago, I was even feeling resentful and wishing more from him for when I was younger.

but the truth is, he had a even more miserable and sad life really. all because of getting married to a wrong person and choosing not to divorce is just the biggest mistake for everyone except her i guess.

I wanted to write a long list of what I was resentful about, but I am too tired or lazy to even complain. Like why does it even matter.

Why does anything matter. wow. When will I ever recover from depression? is this still depression or am I just permanently not able to feel happiness anymore. well i am sure there is. self fulfilling prophecy, hmm interesting. yes i think i do have that, feeling like i would just never be happy again. Dr Geoffrey was just slightly off the mark.

Recently I had spent some time imagining or thinking about what would make me happy. I know that being love and feeling wanted would make me happy. well duh, obviously. but i don't want to rely on someone for my happiness though, that's just wierd and unhealthy and would probably lead me down to a possesive and obsessive relationship. I want to be able to BE happy, with me, and THEN have someone to share our life. It's not like I have never been happy before, right?

But WHY is she gone? Why is there just Anger left? doubting and hating those that hurt her and feeling insecure unsafe and unwanted. What should I do with HER?

Idealized reality

 As my adhd meds kicks in.

My brain finally starts working.

Here's a cheer to our Idealized Reality

All the almost perfection endless scrolling

So here's a seemly happy picture of me

who suffers from depression for eternity.

Would probably die without therapy.

Yet strangely, suppose to look happy.

how many likes, and how many hearts

someone to finally acknowledges us!

So another cheer, this time for the crazies.

Let this place be, here I am, a celebrity wannabe.

Jokes aside, no one is THAT happy, and that is perfectly.. okie!

#realsmile 

SOCIAL MEDIA

 Being back on social media felt so strange.

All the beauty and pretty things reminded us of the living.

A random ig post brings us back to reality.

It reminded us again how far away we had been.

All this self-love and self-growth, honestly makes a wounded child grin.

The stupidity of what’s beneath, no one can even see.

Let go of this pain? Again, why should we?

I hold on to her pain, so I’m always here for WE.

I rolled my eyes as I got ready.

The messages would probably roll in.

I’m fine, She’s fine, We’re fine, and the white lies begin!

doppelgänger

 A shocking yet strange encounter. The resemblance is uncanny. I ignore it the first few times, but of course I couldn't stay away. How could I?

A gentle soothing voice, like soft wind passing through our ears. 

A Mannerism so familiar, like the Teddy bear that's so dear.

The deep desire pulled him into our dreams. 

There was so much love that it filled us to the brim

A dream in a dream, the lighted candles slowly dim

An evil twin slip in, the day and night echoes within

Everything stays between us. Wicked scream or pathetic dream.

The women grin as we ran, unseen.

The living is annoying, if only we could dream and never again be seen.

MIA

 I've made a lot of choices, and they don't sit well with me.

It was hard to cancel, it was hard when people cancel but I shrugged it off. My emotional reaction was goodbye. Now it's not like that anymore, I didn't reply after too many times. I just let her come to me when she is ready, which honestly, probably another 10 years later.

I said no to Chelsa, even though I was the one who initiated it. I was sad actually and wished I could have went to her house. I dislike myself for isolating so much. The truth is I do want these connections.

As I struggle in going back to the norms, I still struggle with who I am now.

Why is she gone? Why have I changed? Did I changed or is the truth of myself?

Years of memories flashing in my mind, years of ignoring it and shrugging it off.

Pain of feeling that I had missed out a lot. Why was I never someone motivated and engaged? I always had such low energy. Did I had those times, or had they passed me by already?

I don't think that age is the matter here. It's not even being able to make the effort anymore.

I fell off my bed twice, once getting a bruise on my knee, another times i scratched my heels and it bled.

I left my wallet on my chair, yet it's on my bed when I woke up. Often I looked at something in puzzlement, not knowing why I had it, or what had caused it.

Feeling like I don't fully exist, or wishing that someone could take over. Why is she gone?

2 dumb fks

 It's very frustrating to think that I would be having a session only to find out how stupid the patient and therapist was.

There was obviously no next week.

We spent the whole week thinking that we would feel better after a session, trying to hangon, only to realize that there was no session at all.

The anger and frustration hits us, and makes us mad (again). tempting to cut, and stop, thinking to cut, and stop. we finally did cut a little, and then stop, again.

It's like our body goes into fight or flight mode, we tense, we felt dread. We felt like dying. is this what it means for trauma to still live in our body?

Dr Geoffrey says we keep living the trauma again, like we have a choice not to live through it again. Saying that we didn't have to give them the power. Not let them have the power to still do that to us.

That's not the point though. There's still anger, and what should we do with the anger?

Acknowledging the Anger doesn't make Her go away. Why does Dr Geoffrey keep thinking that we should just let go of Anger? What's going to happen to her?

It felt like it's our own fault, for not being able to let go. He doesn't understand our pain.

We hold on to our pain because it protects us from her. It's better to die than to see or hear her again.

A CIRCLE

 So here we go again, after a much difficult January, we are now in the process of feeling better again. 

We still occasionally think of the different methods, but not as strongly now. Which is annoying, but i guess it's suppose to be a good thing.

I bought new clothes, like I am going visiting during CNY, but we are not going.

We struggle with a lot of anxiety, everytime we think how we should hide ourselves during cny.

Which is of course a stupid thing, but I think I am suppose to acknowledge the unease I feel if she comes.

It's crazy to realize how much better I feel after taking the meds. I don't dread work as much, I don't feel that boredom so much anymore. The boredom that eats at me and drives me crazy, that feeling is gone.

How can I now work properly without so much frustration and pain? is it really as simple as having my adhdmeds. that's just crazy. It really makes one wonder how different my life could be if we had help earlier. I could have led a normal life..

like the IQ test that I took, and deemed it too boring and frustrating that I simply didn't care to finish it.