30 May 2023, Journal

 I only have $10 left in my bank, Luckily, finally, no delays in salary.

It's still not so bad, because I saved a little extra last month, even though I did bought some stuff.

I think medical bills will definitely be higher since my Medi save has run out, it makes no senses that the rest of my Medi save is not available to use even if there is a huge chunk of it. -insert eye roll-

Last session was interesting. Dr Geoffrey kept asking me what is causing my low moods. Maybe I should have asked him, what is there worth to be alive for. ok ok, depression talking maybe.

I seriously find it so hard to answer his questions, like WHAT exactly is causing my suicide ideations and low moods exactly? I could only come up with my existence.  

We previously thought that, it's not that we can't recover. Rather we just don't want to anymore. Like we just have had enough of "life".

Maybe it seems that everything is just a cycle, and that even if we had recover, nothing would have change. Probably.

So if meds are not working, then what is wrong exactly? Michael had said so frequently that I probably shouldn't even be on meds.

I think maybe I know what's wrong. It feels like logically I know what is going on and I think I understand and accepted what is.

The problem is the other parts that I kept buried, because they are too emotional. Dr Geoffrey often say therapy is for them, which kinda makes me wana roll my eyes at him.

I don't know what to do with them or how to express them! It's like ever since they surfaced, I just can't bury them anymore, like I don't know how to go back to last time when I could deal with stuff at home. 

Maybe we could, but we just don't see the point.

NEVER NEVER NEVER

 It was really more pain and grief then anger. Anger was still part of it, but the pain was so much that it felt blinding. The nature of my cries are silent. So quiet yet raging in my mind.

The thought of killing myself kept dancing in my mind. The pain lasted for a long time, even after I disconnected myself, hours later the pain comes back and eats at me.

Anger was blind so we cut, but I still have more control now. So we didn't bleed.

Anger was right, so I listened this time. and because Anger feels attached to therapy, there wasn't an insane need to walk out to kill ourselves.

The thought just kept dancing around in our mind.

We don't deserve to live, we are nothing. We don't matter. Anger keeps chanting, but yet also still wishing for therapy soon. so that someone will comfort her.

Anger doesn't wish to understand, but I know better. Therapy will also come to an end eventually. Maybe by then, we would have learn something or have something else.

In order for  Anger to be gone, I need to die. In order for me to be gone, I need to die. Maybe the solution IS for me to die.

The sister is a joke and we hate her so much. We don't want to hide that fact anymore. I just can't do it. It hurts so much to let someone we care about hurt us REPEATEDLY. WE SHOULD NOT HAVE ALLOW IT.

NEVER.NEVER.NEVER.

HIDDING IN THE CLOSET

 Suddenly, the image of the inside of a closet wouldn't leave my mind. Like my brain suddenly finds it entertaining to keep showing me part memory of it. 

What the inside look like, how I was curled up inside it. Hiding. Then we were lock inside.

Were we? Locked inside? How?

So anxious. This feeling of anxiety creeps into me. 

I would very much like to stop seeing it. stop showing me images of my past memories!

18 May 2023

We slept like a baby last night, which was quite a surprise. I dozed off, my painting half finished. I half expected myself to have just took a short nap and still wake up after 1-2 hours. I was surprise when I woke up and saw that it was 2.30am.

I was half awake, dimly aware that I need to take my meds before falling back asleep, or half wondered if I should get up. In the midst of my thoughts, I soon lost conscious and fell back asleep.

I woke up earlier then usual, thinking about the random dreams, and the awareness of being half awake again around 5 am.

It felt pretty good to finally catch up on my sleep. A bad interaction and breakfast with my dad ruined our precious good morning.

The ruminating of hate, anger and sadness stayed with us for awhile. Seemly deciding that not being present is better, we blankly waited for the bus and made our way to work.

We thought a lot about our session, and felt really uncertain about expressing half of how we felt.

The seemly difficult child that hated Dr Geoffrey and sessions seems quieter now, after a huge cry and tantrum on Monday. Now she realized she doesn't hate it, and seem attached to him. Like a father figure. Someone who should have treated us with care and love us.

The pain of feeling abandon and rejected again scream in our heads for awhile. It didn't matter to her what the logical part of me said. That emotional child does not listen to me. Maybe she doesn't listen to me, because I don't listen to her most of the time anyway.

Aside from feeling like a failure at work, I also recently remembered about hanging myself. I really wished to know what the hell was a young kid trying to do, hanging herself on a cupboard. which is pretty hilarious if you ask me. Was she just doing it out of curiosity?

I couldn't say too much, but there was the impression of feeling suffocated when I hang myself, and I struggled to pulled that thing around my neck away. There was a struggle, and my neck really hurt. I thought I almost died. An accidental death would be great, or maybe not.

The huge thing that really bothers me is the huge chunk of missing memories from primary school. Like is that normal? I had remember even when I was a child, like why didn't I remember a lot of things. so much doesn't make sense.

The hanging thing could very well just be a fake memory. No reason to trust that it's real. Dr Geoffrey again asked, how the context of me hanging or drowning came up. 

It felt very awkward to say that maybe I had "casually" tried drowning myself before. So I didn't say anything.

He seem to think we have a lot of secrets. and I keep trying to minimize everything, so that I am not dramatic, attention seeking or whatever. Why do I keep doing that? To try and seem normal, like I'm not crazy or needy. Is that resistance or avoidance? I think for therapy to work, I should say more about things that I don't want to say.

Sometimes I want to say that I am just over telling stories, but the truth is they did actually happened. No matter how much I want to wish it away, they won't disappear. 

Since the hanging didn't make sense, it's probably safe to say maybe it's a fake memory. No evidence or proof to show if that actually happened. Fake memory.

It's not funny if someone's kid tried to hang themself. Yet I used the word hilarious to describe myself.

I guess there is very little compassion for myself.

My limited source of energy has run out and I can't focus on my work anymore, BIG SIGH.

PLAYTIME

 It was pitched dark for a long time.

We tried to knock, but we stumbled about.

We were crouched, squeezed in like a tiny ball.

Tiny bits of fear started pounding into our hearts.

We couldn’t see.

We try calling out loudly, but no one hears us.

That didn’t felt right, then we tried to push through the doors.

We cry out in terror when we realize that it’s lock.

A glimpse of air and light, and we screamed out to her in fright.

We feel an icy chill, as she laughs with all her might.

Suffocated and struggling, under a cotton pillow.

Strangled, against a wall, our tears starts to roll.

Detest and fear, too much for a young child.

so, she pretends and smile, like it's just a game.

just a game, just a game, all these memories are not real.

big fucking nothing

 My brain really hurts. Like my soul and mind is in excruciating pain. Because of work. The dumb things to do and not do makes me wana go crazy and I feel the slightest of anxiety over literally nothing?

I am so frustrated over the nothingness' going on in my LIFE. Big huge empty nothingness. Even the emptiness of work makes me feel so bad that it doesn't make sense.

The logic of what we should have, professionalism and some work standards. it's just a BIG FAT ZERO.

I don't know why I can't deal with that. Maybe knowing that I am moving backwards just hurts my soul.

I really feel like quitting, and that's just what I do all the time. Every job, there's a expiration date. I get help and hoped that things get better. It isn't getting better.

Some part wishes for us to be just dead, but nope.

SOP. PLEASE. That's like literally the one thing that I CANT STAND.  and i have to redo it, why? because I actually uses it? NO.

What IS the point of SOP when NOTHING goes according to it??????? why then. please tell me why i need to waste my limited brain cells on things that i dont use or dont care. it's so fucking tiring.

YES, and I still smile and say SURE, as if I am excited about doing a goddam useless sop document.

TAPPING ON A RAINBOW CLOUD

Humans are replicates of each other, replicates of emotions, and sensation. Constantly seeking desires and power. 

A little bit of good, here and there. We connect with people, and some of them touch us with gentleness and love.

Mostly, unlucky people, only know of pain and betrayal. The people in their life makes them see this world differently, through the eyes of someone who wished they don't belong in this world anymore.

The beauty of this world and universe, is so much more, then the pettiness and ugliness of human.

We switch between ourselves, someone confident and friendly, someone cheerful with a bit of childishness, or someone loving and understanding to people who don't even care that much for us.

Sometimes, we only wish to be done here, and wish to be somewhere else. Running through forest, floating through cities. Just being an observer, with no attachments to anything. 

To feel bliss, that this earth gives.

So simple, and simple.