What else is new?

 So the gaming really helped. Not sure about being too hyperfocus on it, but whatever?

so of course I'm feeling bored again in office. We did have a small measly task that we could finish so easily and quickly.

I think my boss even gave up on talking to me about my attendance, because July is probably the WORST ever attendance. Like I don't even care if I got fired, not actually not caring but just really couldn't get my act together. Of course we kept wondering why he has not fired us. Maybe he is someone really nice. or maybe i am actually good at my work, but how can that be when there is barely any work at all.. lol.

I had a lot of fun playing a new game. It has help us move away from our dark thoughts, but the hurt and pain is minimally there. The new people that I am playing games with is for sure the main reason I felt better after playing it, because god knows I need some social interaction.....~

We're still hesitant about this imh thing now. 

Time to draw a line and cut the ties.

This lingering pain in us, is a sad story about trust..

I'm not update the leave summary, cause I'm afraid to see that I got no more leave left. I feel like I am unable to keep going to work, but I must...

It's my ticket, out of hell. If only we could have gotten a flat sooner.

Ash is still missing, slowly.. the posters are lesser, the fb post are not as frequent. She's just gone.. no matter what I do, I can't find her. Here I go again, overwhelm and start tearing SO ANNOYING.

I play game and forgot about everything. no work, no meds, no appointments, no pain, no sadness, no boredom. At least I am coping... what else....? I have only 1 or 2 pill left, I definately made it last longer because i forgot about everything else so I forgot to take the meds on some days.. just wondering if i should even bother going down to take meds..

There is no next appointment, well isn't it great to just get too emo and start tearing in office.. PMS for sure. dont know anymore. Kira is quite adorable.. he really made me laugh.. but Ash is still the sweetest.. just gone..

painful thoughts

 We were left abandoned. I know I said it a few times. That feeling just lingers, the feeling of hurt. The pain of not being cared for, forgotten, left alone, dismissed.

The pain of having no one that care about us. Dr Geoffrey casually just stops our appointment without even bothering to give us a call, Like we didn't matter at all.

We probably didn't because it isn't too hard to call and let us know. it only takes 60 seconds. a min. I'm sure he would he say was too busy.

When someone is too busy to spare even a minute, it really just means that they don't care. He didn't understand our anxiety, if we would have a session, if he did, he could have let us know even 1 day earlier. but no, he could only get someone else to call and inform us on that very morning.

he couldn't care less. his family and of course his little ballon of joy is his main focus. not a broken needy patient. why would he have time for her.

of course it was hard. especially with a monster in our house. that insane girl is in our head, it's like i could almost see her, the image in our head.

our mood got worse, being in this house with a monster makes it harder. we slept lesser, we forgot our meds, we couldn't go to work, we missed our appointment. and amongst all this, we still operate at the bare minimum, of finally going to work on thursday. 

So we wonder yet again, why is it not okay to die? why? why? why? We really struggled to do self care. i think we did, somehow, in some ways, i think we did...?

work or what

 I had taken my 2nd dose, and my brain is fire and wants to work,, but hold and behold there is no work to do. I tried to plan some part time work, but that was hard, and needed really just photos. I am kinda stuck with that.

Obviously we had a terrible last few weeks because of this women. Thoughts and conversations kept running through our heads and it's really exhausting.

I know there is a lot of frustration and helplessness. The emotional pain seems to be amplified and I would much rather NOT feel it. I make a conscious decision to Turn it off. It's quite funny because it reminded me of vampire diary.

Believing that he had completely forgotten about us and too busy to bother himself about our appointment, we were left with a tough pill to swallow when we found out on Tuesday that he's gone gone gone.

So much bitterness, abandonment and insecurity all related to our childhood.

The uncertainty of dinner and emotional reaction that comes with it makes us crumble with a extreme need to just die right then.

 

INTENTIONAL OR NOT

 Someone lives in my head, and she is often in a state of screaming in agony. When emotions are too much, I ran away or maybe got buried. The overwhelming certain thoughts take over.

They are very specific. Like to buy liquor, and get dumb enough to actually proceed to the take off point and jump. 

The immediate thought was to harm myself, but I didn't want to. As I was taking a call, and my mind races without my consent, it was wild enough that I would casually take the penknife and slice my wrist in anger, while calmly waiting on the line.

I sometimes really wonder how real I am, or if I am real? That thought is weird again.

There was pain pain and more pain. 

Like the world is drowning with rain, in all this pain.

it is always in vain, in vain, and in vain.

The mad feeling of being lost, as we get abandon, yet again. It's always the same, same and same.

Nothing had changed, why am we still in this place. 

No wonder really understands, that is just too much and that we really wish we could never see them.

We don't understand, why it's fun to terrorize us. Why, why, and why?

Dream

Dad is confuse, insisting he is clear on what he wants and really needed. we went to a herbal shop to find what he wanted, spelling clearly each word, and each pronunciation. something that would help with his failing health.

Time past and I lost sight of him, mom wonders around, not giving a damn about anything and eventually heads home herself. i look at the time, and it was getting late. I wondered through the shopping mall hoping to get a glimpse of him somwhere. Anxiety and panicked sets in as I thought about how he's lost and might not find a way back. I could not comprehend what happened or where he went. surely he didn't head home himself by himself and left me here panicking all alone?

I went home with a sense of doom. As I opened the door, I felt relief to see him, that he had some how mange to find his way home. it was short lived as he insisted on going out again, he had the keys and had open the door. I took time to reassure him, and comfort him, that I will surely get it next time, and it's getting too late now. All the while, making a mental note to remember not to let him have access to the keys and wondering if I could even find what he wanted. He finally conceded. 

I was somehow naked and panicking. I was told to change and my clothes had gone missing. I had some kind of towel around me, I went to hid in the room, found  someone's clothes but didn't dare to take it as that women was just outside. she was taking care of her child. I somehow manage to find my old clothes and went back to office in relief. I saw a pot of old tea and thought to throw it out, I thought I should check first before throwing it out. A random boss in his own office room had a guest, i brought the tea pot in, thinking that i should asked him before i throw it out.

I knocked on his door before entering, : "this tea..." he looks up and sees the tea, : "sure why not." misunderstanding that I was offering him tea. I realized my mistake and thought myself to be quite foolish. I replied quickly to give me a sec, and raced off to prepare tea. I searched though the somewhat untidy old school pantry and casually pops a sugar coated gummy candy. I asked around, if we had tea, and a colleague replied that of course the office had tea. I thought I was a bit defensive as I said, no one showed or mentioned it when I just joined the company. Another lady left and spilled a whole 5L of some barley water. I was preparing the tea and I see the content spilled over as she left. I went to pick up the bottle, thinking that I might some how get blamed for this. The water for my tea had just boiled, I poured it into the cup and waited "2 minutes" grateful towards that nice colleague. 

Idiotic Mother

 This women lives in our house, and thinks she reigns like a queen

Her pride and ego defies all, adding in her fantasies gore.

Her cruelty and sinister ways, lets her live in all ways.

Now she had grown old, like a lost sicken soul.

If you ever pissed her off, she makes you pay like hell, even now.

She is disguised as a frail old lady, that would only lead to your demised.

There is no escape, no matter how much time is gone...

Forever in this house, like a useless puppet toy... for their pleasure, for their lust, even on a small child..

AN IDIOTIC CS

 As the time ticks down, our anxiety grew.

Yet we still sat unmoving, a little slouch on this chair.

Our brain mindlessly watch, the story on the screen.

We had a nagging brief thought, that we couldn't really see.

More like, didn't really want to see...

The dragging feeling, heaviness, pressure.

"what are you feeling right now?"

"nothing" we don't want to feel.

"nothing" is really better.

"nothing" is really safer, but it's not, is what we were told.

It reminded us of that time, when we sat quietly watching them. Feeling safe in our little cave.

They were so far, and quiet, we didn't feel the pain.

"it's better, to face them. So that we can heal and feel less fear" is what we were told.

We think he lies, our time had already past.

He's gone, and it's always not us, never will be us..